How To Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

What Is Sabotage In A Relationship?

Self-sabotaging is when someone is displaying a pattern of behaviors that are creating a negative effect on one’s life. These behaviors can come from both the conscious or unconscious state and result in unfortunate consequences.

In relationship terms, these behaviors result in conflict, arguments, and additional unhealthy dynamics including a relationship coming to an end. Being able to understand not only if you are self-sabotaging but what it looks like, why, and how to change these patterns is an essential part of growing and maturing both for yourself and your relationships.

What Can It Look Like?

Sabotaging relationships is something that can look different for many people as the reasons leading to the sabotaging are based on people’s experiences, personalities, mental health, and more. A relationship focused therapist can help you determine some of the reasons you may be self-sabotaging your relationship but may not fully understand why. However, there are some common patterns of what sabotaging relationships can look like.

Here are a few common self-sabotage patterns:

Four Horseman:

There’s a theory that's been highly studied and discussed in the therapy world coined by famous couples therapists, The Gottman’s. It’s called The Four Horsemen. The four horsemen in this context are toxic relationship behaviors that can essentially doom a relationship if not corrected. They are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

These behaviors are unhealthy patterns that can often be used in self-sabotage. It’s best to keep an eye out for any of the four horsemen if they are repeating themselves as they could be used as a way to push your partner away or put your partner down unnecessarily.

Infidelity:

A common way people push their partners away through sabotage is being unfaithful. Stepping outside the relationship whether emotionally or physically is often thought of as a sure-fire way to end a monogamous relationship, which explains why it is often used as a form of self-sabotage in this case.

Assumptions:

Oftentimes a relationship sabotager will jump to conclusions and make false assumptions about their partner. It could be displayed as assuming how they feel or why they did or didn't do something. It could also present itself in a way of assuming your partner is doing something they are not and creating this into your own reality. By doing so, you are leaving no room for mutual discussion and understanding. This is a common tactic used to push a partner away.

Expectations:

When we set expectations for someone we love and trust, they need to be communicated to give the person the opportunity to be able to fulfill these expectations. Or at the very least give them the chance to find a compromise about them.

Relationship sabotagers often set expectations that were not discussed or are not clear to the partner leaving them with little chance to be successful. These unfulfilled expectations are then used as a way to push your partner away by saying they are not happy, don't get what they deserve, want and need, and eventually use this as a reason to leave the relationship.