Understanding and Healing Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
- Jackie Schwartz, LMFT
- Jun 2
- 4 min read
As a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in couples work, one of the most common patterns I see in my private practice is anxious attachment. Partners navigating this attachment style often feel confused, frustrated, and emotionally vulnerable—oscillating between craving closeness and fearing abandonment.
If you’ve ever felt like you love "too much," constantly worry about your partner’s feelings for you, or struggle to feel secure—even in a committed relationship—you may be experiencing symptoms of anxious attachment.
The good news? Attachment styles are not permanent. With awareness, intention, and the right support, you can shift from anxious attachment to a more secure, balanced, and connected way of loving.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory helps explain how we form emotional bonds—especially in close relationships. Our attachment style is shaped in early childhood, usually through interactions with primary caregivers, and it often carries into adulthood, influencing how we relate to romantic partners.
The Four Main Adult Attachment Styles:
Secure Attachment Comfortable with emotional intimacy, good at communicating needs, and able to trust without constant reassurance.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Often worries about their partner’s love or commitment. Needs high levels of reassurance and fears abandonment.
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment Values independence, tends to downplay emotions, and pulls away when relationships feel too close.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment Wants closeness but also fears it—creating a confusing push-pull dynamic often rooted in trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
Signs of Anxious Attachment
Do any of these sound familiar?
Constantly thinking about your partner or relationship status
Fear your partner will leave or stop loving you
Frequently seeking reassurance
Reading into texts, tone, or delays as signs of rejection
Feeling uneasy when not in contact
Over-giving or people-pleasing to stay close
Emotionally reactive when you feel disconnected
These patterns can feel exhausting—but they often come from a deep and very human need to feel loved and secure.
How It Affects Your Relationships
Anxious attachment often leads to the classic pursuer-distancer dynamic—especially if your partner is avoidant. One partner reaches for closeness; the other pulls away. This cycle can be frustrating and painful, even in otherwise strong relationships.
You might recognize this in your own life:
You don’t get a reply right away, and your mind spirals: “Are they upset? Are they losing interest?”
Your partner seems distracted, and you interpret it as rejection
You monitor their tone, mood, or habits, searching for signs something is wrong
This often leads to self-doubt, emotional distress, and patterns that unintentionally push your partner further away.
But here’s the truth: You can break this cycle.
From Anxious to Secure: A Healing Roadmap
Healing anxious attachment doesn’t mean changing who you are. It means becoming more connected to yourself, learning to express your needs in healthy ways, and choosing relationships where you feel emotionally safe.
1. Build Self-Awareness
Recognize when your attachment system is triggered. Ask:
“What story am I telling myself right now?”
“Is this based on the present or my past?”
“What do I need to feel secure right now?”
Journaling, mindfulness, and therapy can help you tune in and gain clarity.
2. Practice Self-Soothing
Learn to regulate your emotions before reacting. Try:
Deep breathing or grounding exercises
Positive self-talk: “I am okay. I can handle this feeling.”
Engaging in hobbies, friendships, and routines outside your relationship
3. Challenge Cognitive Distortions
Don’t believe everything you think. Anxious thoughts often sound like:
“If they don’t reply, they don’t care.”
“If I express needs, they’ll leave.”
“I have to earn love by being perfect.”
Try replacing these with balanced thoughts:
“They’re probably just busy—it doesn’t mean they’re pulling away.”
“I have a right to express my needs respectfully.”
“I am lovable just as I am.”
4. Set Healthy Boundaries
Healthy love requires space and self-respect. Learn to say no, express your needs clearly, and respect your partner’s boundaries too. Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re the framework for safe connection.
5. Communicate Your Needs
Instead of withdrawing, clinging, or criticizing, try open vulnerability:
“I notice I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you. I know it’s not necessarily about you, but I feel more connected when we check in during the day.”
“I want us to be close, and I’d love to understand you better.”
This kind of communication builds trust and emotional intimacy.
6. Choose Emotionally Available Partners
Healing is much harder if your partner is emotionally distant or inconsistent. Ask:
Do they respond with care, even when things are hard?
Do I feel accepted and emotionally safe with them?
You deserve a relationship where your needs are met with compassion, not criticism.
7. Work with a Therapist
Therapy is one of the most effective ways to change attachment patterns. A skilled therapist can help you explore the roots of your attachment style, develop healthier coping strategies, and strengthen communication—whether you're working individually or with a partner.
You’re Not Broken—You’re Human
If you relate to anxious attachment, know this: There is nothing wrong with you. Your sensitivity, your desire for connection, and your emotional depth are strengths—not flaws.
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety altogether. It’s to build the tools to navigate it with confidence, clarity, and care. Over time, you can create relationships that are secure, loving, and sustainable—not just with others, but with yourself.
Ready to Start Your Healing Journey?
At Bayview Therapy, we specialize in helping adults and couples build secure, thriving relationships. Whether you're navigating anxious attachment or just looking to strengthen your emotional well-being, we’re here to support you every step of the way.
📞 Call us today at 954-391-5305 to schedule a complimentary consultation with one of our expert therapists. Let’s work together to help you feel safe, seen, and deeply connected in your relationships—and in your life.
We provide counseling for adults and couples therapy at our offices in Fort Lauderdale, Coral Springs, and Plantation, Florida. We also provide online therapy via our secure telehealth platform for those who reside in Florida.
For more information about Jackie Schwartz and her approach to counseling for adults and couples counseling, click here.
