Should We Stay or Go? How Discernment Counseling Helps Couples Find Clarity Before Deciding on Divorce

Bayview Therapy
13 minutes ago
5 min read

At Bayview Therapy, we offer compassionate, evidence-based counseling for couples and discernment therapy for those who need more clarity on their relationship goals.

Many couples reach a point in their relationship where they feel stuck in limbo, unsure whether to continue working on the marriage or move toward separation. One partner may be leaning out, feeling emotionally disconnected or uncertain about the future. The other may be leaning in, still hoping to save the relationship. This painful gray area is where discernment counseling can become a powerful and transformative resource.

If you've found yourself or your partner saying things like:

"I'm not sure if I love you anymore." "I don't know if this relationship is fixable." "Should we try therapy or go our separate ways?"

…then discernment counseling may be exactly what you need.

In this post, we’ll explore what discernment counseling is, how it works, who it’s best for, and how it can help couples gain clarity, whether that leads to healing the relationship or parting ways with greater understanding and respect.

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is a short-term, structured form of therapy created for couples who feel uncertain about the future of their relationship. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes that both partners are fully committed to working on the relationship, discernment counseling begins from a place of ambiguity.

Often, one partner is seriously contemplating divorce while the other is still invested in making the relationship work. This imbalance can lead to confusion, frustration, and repeated but ineffective efforts to repair things.

The goal of discernment counseling is not to fix the relationship immediately. Instead, it helps both partners pause, reflect, and gain deeper insight before making a decision about which path to take. Those paths typically include:

Staying in the relationship without making immediate changes
Choosing to separate or divorce
Committing to structured couples therapy for a specific period of time with the goal of rebuilding the relationship

Who Is Discernment Counseling For?

Discernment counseling is designed for couples who are contemplating separation or divorce but are not ready to make a final decision. It can be especially helpful when:

One partner feels emotionally done or is considering leaving
The other partner wants to work on saving the marriage
There is high emotional conflict, confusion, or repeated arguments
Previous therapy efforts have stalled due to differing levels of commitment

However, discernment counseling may not be appropriate in situations involving ongoing domestic violence or when one or both partners are not willing to engage honestly in the process.

How Is Discernment Counseling Different from Couples Therapy?

Many couples enter couples therapy hoping to improve communication, rebuild trust, or deepen

intimacy. But when one person is unsure if they want to continue the relationship at all, traditional therapy can feel like too much too soon.

Discernment counseling offers a different approach. Here is how it compares:

Traditional Couples Therapy	Discernment Counseling
Focuses on improving the relationship	Focuses on deciding whether to work on the relationship
Assumes both partners want to stay together	Accepts that one partner may be unsure or leaning out
Can be long-term	Short-term (usually one to five sessions)
Works on skills like communication and trust	Helps gain clarity and direction

What Happens in a Discernment Counseling Session?

Discernment counseling sessions typically last about 90 minutes and include both joint and individual conversations with the therapist.

Here’s what to expect:

1. Exploring Three Paths

The counselor helps both partners examine three potential options:

Maintaining the relationship as it is
Separating or divorcing
Committing to intensive couples therapy for at least six months

Each option is discussed in depth so that both individuals can better understand the emotional and practical implications before making a decision.

2. Individual Reflection Time

Unlike traditional therapy, discernment counseling includes time for each person to meet privately with the counselor. This gives space for honest, non-defensive reflection. During these one-on-one conversations, the therapist helps each person:

Explore their personal role in the relationship
Reflect on what has and hasn’t worked
Assess their openness to change

This reflection often leads to more meaningful insights and more grounded decisions.

3. Joint Discussion and Next Steps

After the individual time, the couple and therapist reconvene to share insights and discuss possible next steps. The goal is not to resolve every issue but rather to determine the most appropriate direction for the relationship moving forward.

By the end of the process, couples typically arrive at one of three outcomes:

A mutual decision to separate or divorce with clarity and compassion
A joint commitment to engage in couples therapy
A decision to remain in the relationship for now with greater understanding

What Are the Benefits of Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling provides a calm and structured environment that encourages thoughtful, respectful decision-making. Here are some of the key benefits:

Clarity
- One of the greatest strengths of discernment counseling is that it helps both partners clearly understand their feelings, values, and hopes for the future.
Confidence in the Decision
- Couples often leave discernment counseling with greater confidence in their decision, whether it’s to stay or to part ways. There’s less lingering doubt and fewer regrets down the road.
Respectful Communication
- Even when the future is uncertain, the counseling process promotes respectful dialogue. This is particularly valuable for couples with children or shared responsibilities.
Personal Growth
- Each person is encouraged to reflect on how they have contributed to the relationship’s challenges. This self-awareness can support healing, growth, and healthier future relationships.

Common Misconceptions About Discernment Counseling

Myth #1: It’s just couples therapy with a different name

Truth: Discernment counseling is specifically structured for couples with mixed agendas. It is designed to support clarity, not resolution of relationship issues.

Myth #2: The therapist will try to save the marriage

Truth: The therapist does not take sides or push for any particular outcome. Their role is to help each person reflect and decide what is best for them.

Myth #3: Agreeing to do this means we’re breaking up

Truth: On the contrary, participating in discernment counseling shows a willingness to thoughtfully consider the relationship rather than acting impulsively.

What If Only One Partner Is Interested?

It is not unusual for one partner to initiate discernment counseling while the other is unsure or hesitant. Because the process allows for individual sessions, both partners can explore their own thoughts and feelings at their own pace. The structure supports openness, even if the couple is at different places emotionally.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for You?

If you are feeling torn about the future of your relationship or your partner is considering leaving and you feel uncertain about what to do next, discernment counseling may be a valuable step.

This process is not about fixing everything overnight. It is about understanding the core issues more clearly and making an informed decision based on truth, not pressure or fear.

You Deserve Clarity and Support

If you’re in need of additional support for your relationship, counseling can help. At Bayview Therapy, we offer compassionate, evidence-based counseling for adults and couples (marriage therapy and couples therapy) who want to improve or evaluate their relationships.

Our experienced relationship therapists are here to help you:

Explore the next right step for your relationship
Navigate difficult conversations with care and clarity
Find peace in your decision, whatever it may be

Bayview Therapy provides counseling and psychological evaluations for children, teens, adults, couples and families in Fort Lauderdale, Coral Springs, and Plantation, Florida.

We provide counseling for children, teens, adults, couples and families at our Fort Lauderdale, Coral Springs, and Plantation offices for those who reside in South Florida. We also offer online therapy via a secure telehealth platform so you can receive support from the comfort of your home.