“We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” — Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight
Some couples seem to have it all… solid careers, money in the bank, health, a strong friend circle. On the outside, things look good. But internally, partners may find themselves in a painful loop where conflict rules the roost. One dynamic I often see incouples therapyis called the Pursuit-Withdraw Cycle:
One partner pushes hard for closeness. Internally, they may feel anxious or unsettled when issues aren’t aired and discussed - afraid their complaints won’t be heard, and that they’ll be left hurt and alone, on-their-own to figure out solutions to the couple’s problems.
Family of origin histories, past traumas and other painful experiences often fuel the worry of the pursuer. They learned if they don’t do something, something bad (or nothing good) is going to happen. Unable to sit long with the primary feeling of sadness or helplessness, they will protest. Loudly. That is, after all, what gets a partner’s attention, isn’t it? If they can just get their partner to listen, they can tell them what’s wrong and how to fix it.
Withdrawing Partner’s Response:
The withdrawing partner retreats in silence or runs for cover. They withdraw to gain space, time and to put distance from the heat of conflict. The withdrawer’s “flight” move is often concretized long before the marriage, a strategy to survive the pressures and demands of childhood and earlier relationships.
If pressed beyond their limits, the withdrawing partner will double down on finding solace. They move away not because they don’t care or don’t want to listen, but because they need space for things to cool off and for emotions to settle. They want to move rationally and calmly, or not at all.
However:
As the protesting partner sees their partner back away from an argument, their sadness and loneliness anticipate abandonment. Primary emotions escalate into anger or rage, which mask the good intentions of the pursuer. Gripped in emotion, an anxious partner may sling mud or hurl insults, doing anything to halt their partner from retreating in silence. I call this invoking the nuclear option.
But the nuclear option doesn’t work:
If solace is blocked by a pursuer, the withdrawing partner typically shuts down further, closing off emotional connection, barricading themselves behind a wall, and if necessary, scaling the wall and running away (to work, hobbies, isolation, anywhere to avoid conflict). This painful pattern distresses couples, leading some to want to call it quits.
However, as a world renowned couple’s researcher, trainer and author John Gottman reminds us: Conflict is not the problem. It’s how you manage it that determines the success of your relationship. Unfortunately, when caught in a cycle of conflict, neither partner sees that beneath these protective moves lies something rather beautiful: a longing to connect.
“Pursuers” and “withdrawers” are terms of art in attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) founded by Dr. Sue Johnson. While we all can be a bit of both, one role likely predominates. In EFCT, I look for the good motivations behind the protective moves of pursuers and withdrawers, bringing them out of a couple’s blind spots into the light. I may normalize that:
- Pursuers often move toward an issue … with big energy - criticizing, pleading, even demanding. It sounds harsh, but it’s fueled by hope: “If I push, maybe you’ll see me.”
- Withdrawers tend to move away - shutting down, rationalizing, or distracting. It looks cold, but it’s often driven by fear: “If I stay quiet, maybe I won’t make it worse.”
Here are some more ways the Pursuit-Withdraw cycle can play out at home:
Move (Protective Strategy)
How it Looks
The Good Reason Behind It
Example
- Pursuer: Criticism
- “You never listen!”
- Wants reassurance of worth
- Vacation conflict: “The credit card is maxed out again.” They really mean: “Do I matter in your priorities?”
- Pursuer: Pleading
- “Please just talk to me.”
- Fear of abandonment
- One partner spends more time with friends; the pursuer feels left out.
- Withdrawer: Silence
- Not engaging, “I don’t know.”
- Prevents escalation, self-soothes
- Conflict over drinking; silence is meant to keep things calm.
- Withdrawer: Grumpiness
- Irritability, distance
- Protects against rejection
- When sex feels out of reach, pulling away feels safer than expressing longing.
Although educating and coaching a couple about these issues can be insightful, EFCT aims for the couple to identify, experience and unwind their maladaptive moves in session. Through “enactments,” we create opportunities for each partner to say new things and make new moves toward harmony. When done enough times in session, couples can develop and perpetuate a positive cycle themselves, outside the therapy room.
What’s Happening Inside: Amplifying the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Work
In EFCT, we walk couples through TEMPO, an acronym used to explore the process of emotion dysregulation. As live wires are tripped in session, we work 1:1 with each distressed partner (in front of the other partner), taking a deep dive into:
Triggers: What set off the cycle? What did their partner say or do? What cue or signal did they get from the tone, facial expression or words of their partner?
Emotion: What primary and secondary feelings showed up? That is, what emotion did they show on the outside (e.g. rage) and what lies below the rage (e.g., loneliness or helplessness)
Meaning: What story did the client tell themself about what? What did they assume their partner meant? What negative connotations are implied or ascribed to their partner or themselves?
Protection (or Action Tendency): What was the automatic, self-protective action taken in response to the trigger. This can include withdrawing, criticizing, lashing out, or stonewalling.
Organization: The therapist slows down the cycle to understand the triggers, emotions, and protective actions, and then organizes these elements to see the pattern and choose a different response.
To assist couples with TEMPO, I provide clients a workbook of helpful interventions for between-session practice which includes the Gottman Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident(ARI). ARI closely tracks TEMPO, in my opinion, and provides a structured intervention couples can practice when I am not around. I also provide and review the Model of Emotion as described in Handout 5 of the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Training Handouts and Workbook, 2d Edition.
Similar to TEMPO, the DBT Model deconstructs emotion to look at its various components including:
1) The Event: the trigger, a sigh, look, a late arrival,
2) Interpretation: how partners instantly make meaning (“She doesn’t care” / “He’s disappointed in me”),
3) Biological Arousal: Our hearts race, muscles tighten, cortisol floods,
4) Action Urges: Pursuers feel the urge to push louder, while withdrawers feel the urge to retreat, and
5) Action Tendencies: Those urges turn into behaviors such as criticism, silence, sarcasm.
I also educate clients regarding Gottman’s research on the corrosive effect of the Four Horsemen, strategies that run amuck in a pursuit-withdraw negative cycle. More importantly, I highlight the antidotes and Gottman’s Repair Checklist for clients, as they point the way toward positive cycles of engagement.
- Gentle Start-up instead of criticism: “I feel worried when we overspend; can we plan together?”
- Taking responsibility instead of defensiveness: “You’re right, I was late. I’ll try to plan better.”
- Appreciation and respect instead of contempt: “I admire how hard you work for us.”
- Self-soothing instead of stonewalling: taking a pause, deep breathing, or walking away with a plan to return.
As a couples therapist and marriage counselor, I consider all my training as a relationship toolbox and do my best to find the best tool that fits the moment. To foster co-regulation of emotion, I sometimes integrate practices for soothing and distress tolerance into sessions. These may include resourcing, as integrated from my training in Attachment Focused Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (AF-EMDR) and hypnosis. The intention is to guide couples into calmer states where tenderness and a memory of love can resurface.
For a sample of a brief guided meditation I might practice with distressed clients,click here.
Ultimately, my goal as a therapist is to help the couple decode their partner’s protective moves, so they can see the hope in the pursuer’s fire and the safety in the withdrawer’s silence. Together, we seek to transform mudslinging into a dance of repair.
Need Additional Support in Your Relationship, Couples Therapy Can Help!
If you’re in need of additional support for your relationship, couples counseling can help! We offer counseling for adults and couples who want to improve their relationships. Our therapists are experts in working with children, families, couples, and adults struggling with a wide variety of life’s challenges.
We provide counseling at our Fort Lauderdale, Coral Springs, and Plantation offices for those who reside in south Florida. We also provide online therapy via our secure telehealth platform. Call us at 954-391-5305 for your complimentary consultation so we can discuss how we can help. For more information about Carla Barrow, LMFT and her approach to counseling for adults or couples, click here.
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