Carla Barrow, JD, LMFT 
"Helping teens, adults, and couples catalyze change as they face difficult challenges and life transitions." 

How I Work With Couples in Their Intimate Relationships:

Who would we be in life without our intimate relationships? Relationships are a primary source of who we become and what roles we play in life. They greatly impact our wellbeing and quality of life.  When relationships aren’t working, we’re left feeling frustrated, drained, hurt, concerned, distracted or numb. 

Sometimes relationships involve the immense pain of betrayal, addiction, financial strain or the onset of other mental health issues. One or more of the partners may drift from fidelity into an emotional or sexual affair. Or the couple may begin to lead parallel lives and drift away from friendship, intimacy, and shared dreams. Once couples operate like separate units, expressing dissatisfaction, anger, fear, and mistrust, fights often become more frequent, with fewer repairs.  The marriage or relationship may seem unbearable and impossible to resolve. You want things to change but you don’t know how. 

That’s when you need help! 

While early intervention can make a difference, research shows couples often wait more than two years to get assistance.  I invite you to act now. A good assessment and explanation of what you’re doing that’s ineffective can prove invaluable. It’s also helpful to reinforce what is effective and does work between you, shoring up your resources. 

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Integrating Gottman Method Couples Therapy:

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I focus the majority of my time working with Couples and their family system. I have been trained to Level 3 in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy. This specific approach integrates research-based interventions and includes a thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship.  We develop a personalized therapeutic framework to bring about change. 

The Gottman Method has been successful for couples who are dealing with:

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• Frequent arguing

• Problems with communication

• Lack of emotional connection

• Lack of trust and intimacy

I teach clients what Gottman’s research has shown to be the skills and practices of relationship masters and disasters. I help clients identify what are called the Four Horsemen: Ineffective communication patterns that involve criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Once the couple’s patterns are evaluated, we employ the antidotes that help restore dialogue and understanding, including softened startups, taking responsibility, describing our own feelings and self-soothing. 

Integrating DBT Skills into Couples Therapy:  

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To complement Gottman Method Couples work, I also utilize DBT Skills in couples therapy and integrate learning based upon the research and principles of Dr. Alan Fruzzetti, author of The High Conflict Couple. 

I enjoy tailoring treatment to the unique needs of the couple. This may include:

• Affair Recovery: For couples who have experienced the betrayal of an affair through three important stages: Atonement, Attunement and Attachment, and provide helpful books and outside reading to support the couple’s learning.  

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• Sexual Intimacy: For couples struggling with intimacy, I utilize Gottman’s GottSex interventions to rekindle passion in their relationship. If upon further assessment, a specialist is needed, I can refer the couple to specialists.

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• Lost Connection: For couples who have gotten so caught up in life they have neglected fondness and admiration of the other, we will re-introduce the important practice of expressing appreciation. We will also spend time reflecting on the shared meanings and rituals in their life. 

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• Enduring Vulnerabilities: For couples where the wounds of past relationships are influencing present issues, we may explore “enduring vulnerabilities” and how they may lead us to respond in ways that turn away from or against our partners. I help clients distinguish where the past has crept into their present and work with them to develop more effective strategies to get their needs met.

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• Solutions and Negotiations: For couples who need assistance with conflict management, we learn ways to drop blame and fault in favor of understanding, problem solving and negotiating. Couples learn to set goals, establish rules of engagement, fight fair, and repair. 

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• Dealing with “Thirds”: Sometimes communication and conflict resolution involves the aftermath of an affair, and sometimes there’s a “third” in the relationship in the form of substances, work, trauma, or extra-marital activities. Our work assesses ways to rebuild a united front. I help you wade through what seems like a mess to restore yourselves to the best your relationship has to offer. 

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• DBT Skill Building: For couples with issues of high escalation, I provide in-session skills training to reduce escalation and increase tolerable discussions even on topics of disagreement. 

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• Breakups: For better or worse, not all relationships will survive, even after a healthy dose of couples therapy. However, not all breakups need to be hurtful. There are mindful ways to part from relationships, for each of the partners’ sake as well as that of their family, friends and pets. I help couples embrace peaceful endings, assisting them to clarify goals and objectives and complete their relationship in a way that minimizes conflict.

• Premarital Counseling: I provide counseling and psycho-education to couples who are considering marriage or who are engaged and looking for tips to maintain a good marriage. I craft sessions for couples, using Gottman’s 7 Principles of Marriage, Gottman Connect and the Sound Relationship House.