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“I’m at my wit’s end.” “I’m tapped out.” “I don’t know how much more I can take!” I’m sure you are no stranger to these statements. They’ve grown more and more familiar as we moved through 2020 and into 2021. It was and remains a time of great unrest and uncertainty, and the sense of despair and helplessness has become palpable. These feelings are nothing new. The fact is we (as people, as humans) face uncertainty daily. We feel anger and fear and are impacted by all kinds of stress and discomfort. We move through these emotions, sometimes destabilizing, experiences all the while expected to fulfill our roles and responsibilities. A salesperson smiles and greets customers warmly in the face of declining sales, a physician provides care and encouragement for a patient with a terminal illness, a parent remains loving and supportive of a teenager rebelling against them. We work through difficult situations that require more of our patience, concentration, and tolerance. And it is work. We feel drained and exhausted, emptied of our motivation and energy. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild coined the terms emotion work and emotional labor which refer to the efforts and strategies you use to manage your emotions to achieve a specific goal, personal and professional. Emotion work looks like the effort used by a parent to understand their child’s perspective, or of the adult children caring for their aging parents. Emotional labor is the energy and patience used by a delivery driver to manage the stress of rush hour traffic, or the surgeon maintaining intense focus and concentration while performing a life-altering surgical procedure. Every day, we move through the routine stresses and demands of our lives, all of which require us to use our personal resources. Like physical labor, the emotional labor of pursuing our goals in the face of trying circumstances requires exertion. And like physical exertion, we feel the effects on our bodies and our minds. Fatigue, agitation, poor concentration, anxiety are all common signs of our personal resources being drained. And like filling up our car with fuel, our personal resources also require refilling so we can keep moving. There is no shortage of information and tips on self-care. A quick search on our digital device provides a vast amount of material regarding the benefits of mindfulness of self-care. But if you are anything like me (like most people really), having this wealth of information typically does not lead to any meaningful change in how we care for ourselves. Awareness is necessary but not sufficient for change. What can be done? Developing achievable goals, seeking support, and capitalizing on small successes are all part of what makes effective change possible. And while these steps might seem obvious, it’s very common to struggle to put these ideas into action. Change doesn’t happen in the vacuum of our own heads, and working with a therapist is often a necessary (and helpful) part of the growth and change process. If you’d like to reach out to see how I can help you overcome burnout and fatigue, please give me a call at 954-391-5305. I am excited to explore how I can help you reach your goals. I offer sessions in Fort Lauderdale and Coral Springs. For more information about self-care, or tips to recover from burnout, click here.

Is your independence extremely important? Do you feel that, once you start to get closer to the person you are dating, that you feel s/he is infringing on that independence? Perhaps you also find it difficult to depend on romantic partners. Additionally, you might find that intimacy is challenging for you. In this blog, I will help you make sense of this, as well as practical tools you could take today to sustain a mutually healthy and beneficial intimate relationship. Many of us experience commitment phobia because of the impact of childhood experiences and genetics. Specifically, when we are babies, we depend on our caregivers for the right kind of consistent attention to our needs. Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller write, in their groundbreaking book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love, “If your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you should have a secure attachment style; if they were inconsistently responsive, you should develop an anxious attachment style; and if they were distant, rigid, and unresponsive, you should develop an avoidant attachment style” (pg. 9). They go on to write that other factors, such as genetics, also play critical roles in one’s development of their attachment style. Specifically, consider that there is a notable portion of us are simply born with a higher degree of emotional sensitivity, which can make it more challenging for caregivers to regularly help us calm down. Decades of research have revealed that about 50% of the population have a secure attachment style, while about 20% of us have an anxious attachment style and 25% of us have an avoidant attachment style. This blog is about this last category. While the research also informs us that the need to be in a close, intimate relationship is hardwired into our genes, for the 1 out of 4 of us who developed this avoidant attachment style, this need is very challenging to meet. The following quote can help elaborate on this reality: “All of these people [people with avoidant attachment style] feel a deep-rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship. Whereas people with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept their partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique – for avoidant people such a stance is a major life challenge. If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with someone else – the emotional equivalent of finding a home – is a condition that you find difficult to maintain” (Levine & Heller, 2010, p. 115). Here are some strategies you could start using today to stop pushing the kind of peaceful, joyful, and mutually rewarding intimate relationship you may want and of which the science tells us you (and all of us) need: Remind Yourself that You Need Intimacy, Even Though it Makes You Uncomfortable Try to regularly pause yourself from acting impulsively regarding thoughts of “s/he isn’t right for me.” The reason is that this voice inside you could be a deeply unconscious strategy designed to keep relationships at a distance, even though you may not actually want this. Ask yourself questions such as, “Are all those small imperfections I’m starting to notice really my attachment system’s way of making me step back? Remind yourself that the picture is skewed and that you need intimacy, despite your discomfort with it. If you thought s/he was great, to begin with, you have a lot to lose by pushing him or her away” (Levine & Heller, 2010, p. 127-128). Create a Relationship Gratitude List Regularly remind yourself that you are in an unfortunate habit of thinking negatively about your partner or date. This is simply a part of the avoidant attachment style. When you regularly notice, highlight, and list your partner’s actions and traits in which you value, it will help to replace this unhealthy, avoidant pattern. “Take time every evening to think back on the events of the day. List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life” (Levine & Heller, 2010, p. 129). I can help you better understand your relationship difficulties and replace them with much healthier patterns of thinking and behaving. I invite you to contact me at 954.391.5305 so we can discuss how I can help. I provide telehealth sessions through a HIPAA compliant video or phone session or see you in person at our Coral Springs, FL office. I (Jordan Zipkin, LMFT) look forward to speaking with you! For more information about commitment phobia causes and cures, click here.

In couples therapy, I am often helping my couples to re-spark the emotional, physical, and intimate connection in their relationship. Over time, relationships shift and routines are developed, they get “comfortable” and may even lose the passion, spontaneity, and lightheartedness that they once had. Life can get in the way, with work, cooking, cleaning, and parenting. It's a lot! One thing that I find a lot of my couples are neglecting is creating time for fun! More specifically, dating. Date nights are an essential part of keeping the spark alive in the relationship. It’s a chance to disconnect from the stress and hustle and bustle of everyday life and focus solely on having a good time, a new experience with your partner. Dr. Gary Chapman studied patterns within relationships focused on the wants and needs for couples that he coined into a concept called “The Five Languages of Love''. This concept was designed to help couples determine what their specific wants and needs are and how to help these needs be fulfilled. The love languages are as follows: 1 - Acts of Service 2 - Words Of Affirmation 3 - Physical Touch 4 - Gift Giving 5 - Quality Time Find out more about your specific love language by taking the Love Languages Quiz! Quality Time is a recurring love language I see present in relationships of all ages/stages. Whether or not it is your #1 love language, it is an essential one to prioritize. Quality time can look like many things from a grand romantic vacation to taking a nice sunset walk together. I am always encouraging my couples to prioritize more quality time, even giving them homework to plan more date nights! Fort Lauderdale, Florida is a pretty amazing place. It’s got everything from views, food, drinks, to beautiful beaches. There is ALWAYS something to do. As a huge advocate for quality time and date nights, I wanted to help make the choices easier by reviewing some of the best date spots in Fort Lauderdale. I've asked friends, couples, and colleagues to weigh in on their favorite suggestions to come up with the best date night options for you! Check out what we came up with! Shooters Waterfront - Located along the intercostal off of Oakland Park Blvd, it's got it all from beautiful views, tasty drinks, and amazing food. They have an awesome happy hour as well if you want to relax by the waterfront with your partner, watch the sunset, and share some delicious appetizers and drinks. Shooters are one of my favorite places to hang out, and it definitely fits the script for a romantic date night out! Heritage - I've been here myself recently and can not WAIT to go back. Located in Flagler Village, it's a chic little Italian restaurant that hits the spot! Nothing says quality time like enjoying good food with your loved one and this food truly was bliss. You can't go wrong with a food-focused date night at Heritage! The Spa at Auberge Beach - Schedule a spa day experience for you and your partner at the beautiful and relaxing spa at Auberge Beach in Fort Lauderdale. They have amazing amenities such as a salt suite, infrared sauna, open-air treatment rooms, and a private beach setup after your treatments. You could even make a date night out of it by getting dressed up and going to the restaurant on the property for a fresh locally sourced farm-to-table dining experience. They have a weekly happy hour outside with light bites. Make sure to sit fireside after dinner and enjoy live music on the weekends. Hugh Taylor Birch State Park - Not all dates have to be fancy! Taking a stroll through the park might seem a little cliche, but it's the perfect date spot to save a little money, get a little active, and see some amazing views. You can bike, rollerblade/skate, or walk through the park. They even offer kayaks and guided tours if that's more your speed. You'll most likely work up an appetite. Luckily it has a built-in eatery, Park and Ocean, that has tasty food, live music, and craft drinks overlooking the beach. I highly recommend spending a day-date at Hugh Taylor! Sistrunk Marketplace and Brewery - I love it here! This is such a fun, casual date spot. It's a food hall with a built-in brewery. There are SO many food options, something for everyone. They often have live music and the vibe is just on-point. This place is just all-around fun. Chops + Hops Axe Throwing Lodge - I haven't had the pleasure of attending this place myself yet, but I have heard rave reviews from many of my clients that this is a fun spot and perfect for something a little different than your average dinner-date night. I love the idea of trying new things and quality time is all about creating experiences together, and what's more of an experience than… throwing axes? There's nothing like a little friendly competition to keep the spark alive. Wine Garden - Now this place is ROMANTIC! If you go at night, the draped string lights, music, and amazing wine/food selection will certainly set the mood. Plus it's walking distance from the beach if you're craving a little ocean breeze after! Everyone deserves a little romance, and this is the spot! Louie Bossi's Ristorante Bar Pizzeria - A classic Italian restaurant located on the famous Las Olas Blvd, Louie Bossi is one of my favorite restaurants in Fort Lauderdale. It has an amazing vibe inside and an awesome outdoor back patio for those of you who prefer the fresh air. It has the best food and wine selection for a perfect romantic dinner out. Because it's so popular, it is really hard to get a reservation, so book for you and your partner early! Riverfront Gondola Tours - I wanted to include something unique in this list, special to Fort Lauderdale. It's not everywhere you can take a gondola out on the water for date night, but you can here! This company provides various options from standard gondola rides to dinner cruise options. I don't know about you, but cruising on the intercoastal in a gondola gives me some Venetian, movie-level romance vibes. Someone try this and give me your review! Takato - Recommended by various couples as one of their favorite spots for date night. Takato is a Japanese-Korean Fusion restaurant on Fort Lauderdale beach inside The Conrad. Dinner on the beach? Yes, please. Not to mention you can take a romantic walk along the beach after, what can be better for quality time than that! I hope you have as much fun trying these places as I have! Happy dating! If you and your partner can benefit from working on your own relationship and connection or are interested in learning more about couples therapy in our Fort Lauderdale or Coral Springs offices, call today at 954-391-5305 for your complimentary consultation or visit Jamie Ratowski at Brightside Therapy Services. I look forward to speaking with you!

The practice of gratitude and forgiveness are interrelated concepts that often get separated as if they exist independently of one another. I have found, time and time again, in the course of my life and in the work I do with my clients, that these two concepts are essential and necessary to living a life that is fierce, wholehearted, and purposeful. The practice of gratitude and forgiveness are at the center of a non-contentious heart. And they are just that, they are practices. We cannot artificially or forcefully forgive, nor can we be passive when it comes to practicing gratitude. Forgiveness is not something that you choose once- it’s something you choose constantly; it is a daily and deliberate choice. I have found that a grateful heart is often a forgiving one, and in the same way, forgiveness can awaken our sense of gratitude; they are reciprocal and reinforcing. A contentious heart is one that harbors anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, hate, and negativity. A non-contentious heart is one that breeds compassion, understanding, courage, perseverance, and true joy for others. Those with a non-contentious heart are not free from suffering, but they have a different relationship with their pain; they choose to not be defined by it. Both gratitude and forgiveness help to make this possible. Below I will describe some of the benefits of these practices. (There are many more, of course!) You will notice that some of the benefits overlap, and that is due to the fact that gratitude and forgiveness often go hand in hand. I will then give some pointers on how to begin implementing these practices into your daily life. The Benefits of Forgiveness It helps us to stop dwelling: Dwelling is costly and exhausting! It keeps us stuck in our negative emotions, which only perpetuates more of what we don’t want. It strengthens our relationships (with ourselves and others): Forgiveness creates room for possibility. When we don’t forgive, we close doors that have the potential to enrich our lives. Forgiveness shifts our energy and focuses on what really matters: Through forgiveness, we gain clarity, we take the energy invested in holding a grudge and can place it into rebuilding, into compassion, into understanding. Helps us to respond rather than react: Not forgiving keeps us connected to pain and negative emotions. When we are in this place, we tend to not respond with thoughtfulness or courage; we react out of a place of hurt and fear. This is so limiting, and there is so much more to life than that. Allows us to experience empathy: An entire blog series could be devoted to empathy, but I will briefly say this, forgiving people are also empathic ones. Empathy is what makes forgiveness possible. The Benefits of Gratitude Helps to re-energize our faith in life: When we stay focused on what we don’t have, or what we are lacking, we pour our precious life energy down the drain. Gratitude helps us to re-energize and focus on the multitude of blessings that surround us. Takes us out of self-absorption: When we are not actively practicing gratitude, it’s easy to lose sight of how we impact others. Practicing gratitude allows us to step into a more empathic relationship with the people around us. Helps us to respond rather than react: When we are in a place of gratitude, we tend to have more thoughtful responses, as opposed to emotional-based reactions. Gratitude helps us to respond with thoughtfulness and courage as opposed to fear. Allows us to make room for what really matters: Gratitude frees us from focusing on the small stressors in life. When we aren’t in a grateful mindset, small stressors feel like avalanches. A truly grateful heart is not shaken by these things, but is able to handle them and respond to them. Here are 4 pointers on how to begin living more intentionally, with gratitude at your center: It starts with awareness. Remember, this isn’t a race, there is no finish line. Begin with noticing your inner dialogue, check in with yourself throughout the day. Are the messages you are feeding yourself negatively? If they are, interrupt them by shifting your focus to something you feel truly grateful for. This can be extremely powerful. If you notice your inner dialogue and it is positive, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Allow yourself to stay in that place for an extra few seconds. How is this different than the times you feed yourself negative messages? Set an alarm. A great idea a client of mine had recently was to set an alarm on her iPhone that reminds her to re-center. She sets this alarm to go off during her morning routine. I love this idea and you can incorporate it in so many ways. It could be an alarm in the morning, or multiple times throughout the day, that literally interrupts the daily grind and forces you to focus for a minute on gratitude. The alarm itself could be a reminder, or you can set your reminder with a specific message. This can be extremely grounding, and can really help to shift your perspective. Re-Engage in practices that make you feel truly joyful! This can be cooking, exercising, writing, connecting with friends, etc. Be intentional and make time for this! Your heart needs it. When we fill our emotional cups we only have more to give others. Begin and end your day with a gratitude or forgiveness mantra. This can be an opportunity for prayer or meditation; whatever helps to realign you with what really matters. (This link has some great forgiveness and gratitude meditations: jackkornfield.com) Do this for five to ten minutes every morning and watch and see how these small shifts transform your day, and over time, your life! These practices are more than techniques or tactics, they are a way of being and knowing the world around us. When we are able to make this constant commitment to live in gratitude, we begin to radiate something magnificent. Call it positive energy, call it calmness, call it what you like- but gratitude and forgiveness are at the center of this contagious energy. I leave you with these words: “In our hardships, we discover the courage not to succumb, not to retreat, not to strike out in fear and anger. And by resting in a non-contentious heart we become a lamp, a medicine, a strong presence; we become the healing the world so dearly needs”. –Jack Kornfield If you're struggling to let go of the past and forgiveness, contact Alex Gard, LMFT located within the beautiful Bayview Therapeutic Services offices to schedule a session at 954.391.5305. Alex provides individual counseling for adults and teen counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

The holidays are intended to be a festive time where loved ones come together, but let's face it... the holidays can be stressful! The pressure to meet various expectations and obligations of family, friends, and work, not to mention decorating, can make you want to reach for an extra cup of eggnog or holiday cookie! As you prepare for the holiday season, remember you can shift your experience by making a few small changes. Here are 5 tips for stressing less this holiday season, while getting into the holiday spirit. Express Gratitude: What we focus on magnifies! This season, focus your attitude on gratitude. Research shows that thankfulness significantly reduces stress while cultivating joy, confidence, happiness, positivity, and optimism. During the holidays, take a few minutes to reflect on the positive things in your life. Find creative ways to express gratitude to others. The greatest gift you can give someone is to let them know how much you care and appreciate them. Be Realistic: People put a lot of unnecessary pressure on themselves when trying to have the "perfect" holiday. You don't have to be Martha Stewart when decorating your house this year. Make a conscious effort to keep things in perspective, create new memories, and most importantly have fun! Maintain Balance: Don't overcommit yourself. You have my full permission to say "Yes" when you want to and "No" when you need to. Look for ways to lighten your load by delegating tasks and sharing responsibilities. Balance, or lack thereof, can have a dramatic effect on your ability to enjoy the holidays. If you find yourself out of balance, slow down, breathe, and ask yourself what YOU need to do to take care of yourself. Be Kind to Yourself: Despite the holiday frenzy, seek peace and serenity to recharge your batteries. Remember the holidays are about giving, not just to others, but also to yourself. A little self-care goes a long way! Indulge yourself with a spa day, take a yoga class, enjoy a walk on the beach, chat with friends, or visit your place of worship. Remember the Reason for the Season: Whatever family, culture, or religious background you come from, it's important to remember the reason for the season. Whether you keep old traditions alive or start new ones this year, make them meaningful in your own way. Holidays can be the best of times or the worst of times, depending on your outlook and how you manage stress. If you need additional support while coping with stressors or want to enhance your relationships, call 954-391-5305 ext. 1 or visit www.BayviewTherapy.com. Dr. Kate provides anxiety treatment, stress management therapy, and individual counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Wishing you a Wonderful Holiday Season,

Have you ever been in a foul mood or a negative state of mind and had someone tell you to simply “change your perspective.” Rarely, if ever, while you’re drowning in that negative tunnel do you stop to take heed of such advice. However, think twice, as we really should… changing our perspective and practicing positive self-talk can drastically increase our moods and elevate happiness. Here's why you need to incorporate positive self-talk today. Our thoughts affect and dictate our actions. So theoretically if we were to change what goes on between our ears and re-wire our thoughts to a more positive point of view our actions, behaviors, and daily routines would change for the better. Practicing and adopting positive self-talk can help us set in motion events that will present us with greater rewards. Curiously enough we spend a lot of time immersed in our own thoughts. But some of these thoughts can be far more destructive than others. We tend to remember insults and painful exchanges much more than compliments received and praises given. In practicing positive self-talk we must first challenge that internal negative chatter and work towards erasing any insulting or scaring messages. It’s easier said than done. Making efforts to cultivate more positive self-talk takes work and in recognizing that, you’re already showing signs that you’re well on your way to peace of mind. Below are some helpful “how-to’s” that may not take place overnight, but can absolutely build a bridge to betterment in looking at things more optimistically and finding hope in any situation. Accentuate the positives and stop focusing on the negative. What you focus on magnifies! Observe how your chartered thoughts are making you feel, recognize when you’re on an emotional high, and map when you’re feeling particularly low. Harness those feelings to recreate what you like and discontinue what you don’t When you’re faced with a seemingly debilitating rut, shift your perspective and incorporate some positive affirmations to give you an extra boost. Positive self-talk is a known practice among optimists. You can be well on your way to a glass-half-full kind of vision… you’re already halfway there! For relationship support in individual therapy, marriage counseling, or couples therapy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, call Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT at 954-391-5305 ext. 1.

It’s fall, even though it doesn’t quite feel that way in sunny south Florida yet! Fall is often considered the most beloved of all the seasons and with good reason, too. The fall season brings with it a special kind of beauty; richer sunsets, the subtly changing colors of leaves, a reprieve from stifling summer heat with cooler temperatures (hopefully soon for us Florida folks), and the anticipation of the holiday season right around the corner. Many seem to have capitalized on our current love of all things fall, from specialty coffee drinks only available during this season to the infamous Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales. Fall can be its own kind of new year, not one marked on the calendar by January 1st, one that's marked in your mind or your heart as your turn over a new leaf. It’s the perfect opportunity to make a change you've been thinking about, or refresh yourself spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Begin Again: Most might answer the question “Can you Fall Back in Love with your Partner?” with a resounding, “No” but the authors at Psychology Today have a different answer; “Yes”. The first step is to begin again. Begin your relationship again by acting the way you did when you first met. Create New Memories: Part of the appeal of a new relationship is exactly that, it’s new! We’re learning so much about our partner in those first few days and months of the relationship, the novelty is taken for granted. You might find yourself thinking you know all there is about your partner after one, two, three years, or even a decade together. This isn’t true. Explore the new facets of your partner (and your relationship) by learning about what interests your partner now, what he or she likes or dislikes on TV, etc. You’ll find yourself surprised and intrigued as you learn about your partner’s growth and changes. Listen to the Same Music: Music has the ability to transport us back in time, whether to happy or sad places. Perhaps there’s a song that comes on the radio and it immediately reminds you of your partner (the song you danced to at your wedding, on your first date, or just driving in the car with him or her). Take a minute to go back in time with a song that reminds you and your partner of good times. Look in the Mirror: Sometimes, our own unhappiness gets in the way of our happiness with others. The old saying “You have to love yourself before you love someone else” rings true for relationships, especially those who feel the waning of romance. Unhappy at work? Unsatisfied with how you feel or look? All of these could be contributing to your less than enthusiastic relationship. Check-in with yourself to see if something within you needs to change. Get Physical: As relationships, age so does the desire to be physically close with your partner, which is a shame because there are numerous benefits to cuddling. Cuddling releases all those feel-good chemicals in brains and strengthens bonding between partners. Think you already cuddle enough? Take up a physical activity together (running, biking, swimming, yoga, the list is endless!). You’ll get the added benefit of releasing those same feel-good chemicals while also getting healthier with your partner. Create a Tradition: Traditions are fun things that individuals look forward to, no matter what time of year. I know a couple who buy a shot class every new place they visit for either vacation or work (their collection is extensive) and when one travels without the other, it makes for a nice memento to bring home. Be Kind: It can be hard to practice kindness in a relationship when it’s feeling stale. Keep in mind that sometimes the children who most need love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. Perhaps you’re frustrated with how your partner is behaving, either things done or undone, and you’re not feeling your most kind. Although now filing for divorce, Brad Pitt’s famous statement about the positive change in his wife upon showing her love is a lesson to all of us; when the flower doesn’t bloom, we don’t blame the flower, we look at the environment. Create a kind and positive environment for love to bloom. Change Your Mind: “Change yourself and you change your world.” - Norman Vincent Peale. Our thoughts are our reality. If we think we are unhappy we will act accordingly. There is power in our thoughts and if we think that we are in love again with our partner, it’s true. So much of our world is shaped by our interpretation and our perception of events, we can get caught up in how we feel (or don’t feel) that we stop looking at what may be right in front of us. While your love might no longer be in Gottman’s Limerence phase of love, you and your partner may have moved into a deeper phase of love and as such can honor the strides you’ve made together. Speak with Love: When you talk to your partner and about your partner to others, speak only from a place of love. This can be coupled with tip number 1 “Begin Again”. After some time, your partner’s goofy grin or penchant for taking an hour too long to get ready might wear on you. Remembering that these were the things that originally attracted you to your partner will help you choose your words carefully when speaking to you about your partner. Nothing is more toxic than speaking ill of your partner and when you open that door for yourself, you allow your partner to walk through it and speak disparagingly about you. Set Goals Together: In dating, everyone wants to know when you’re getting engaged. After the engagement, everyone wants to know when you’re getting married. After marriage, they want to know when you’re having kids, etc. Slowly, the little goals you’ve set at the beginning of your relationship are completed and it might feel like there isn’t much more to look forward to. Set a goal together and work towards making that goal happen. Want to go on an around the world trip to Australia? Plan it! Want to finally buy that vacation home in the mountains? Go for it! This helps create those new memories we discussed in tip number two and gives you and your partner something to look forward to as the years pass by. There you have it, the Top 10 Ways to Fall Back in Love with your Partner. Want to add your own tips? Or looking to find your own way to fall back in love with your partner? Dr. Kate Campbell is just a phone call (954. 391.5305 ext. 1) away. Dr. Kate provides pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

When someone you love betrays your trust, it’s absolutely devastating! Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner is essential, but once the trust is broken it’s replaced with a mix of fear, anger, sadness, resentment, and disappointment. Trust is a powerful thing… It can take a lifetime to build and mere seconds to destroy. Many couples struggle with how to build T.R.U.S.T. after a betrayal. As a relationship expert, I help individuals and couples recover from relationship injuries such as lying, secrets, and the ultimate betrayal - having an affair. For more information on How to Affair-Proof Your Relationship in the Age of Technology, check out my previous blog. Depending on how deep the betrayal was, it can be difficult to recover from, but not impossible. The first step is to assess whether the relationship is salvageable and whether each partner is willing to do the work toward repairing, reconnecting, and recovering. Once couples decide to move forward, here are my suggestions for How to Build T.R.U.S.T. After a Betrayal. T- Take Responsibility for your actions. If you’re the one who betrayed, it’s time to come clean. You must take ownership, express genuine remorse, and begin to make amends. Trust is a two-way street. Regardless of what side you’re on, both partners need to take ownership for their part and the necessary steps toward healing. R- Be Reliable for your partner. Follow through with what you say you’re going to do and do that over and over again. Show your partner that you have their back. Make a commitment to do what it takes to get your relationship back on track. Keep in mind, it’s the little things during daily life that make a big difference. U- Understand your partner’s perspective and honor their reality. Listen with an open heart to your partner’s perspective and validate their emotional experience. Make sure you’re aware of your partner’s needs and turn toward them to connect within those emotional experiences even though it may be difficult at times. Couples therapy is a wonderful resource to help navigate this delicate process. S- Speak openly and honestly with your partner. Communicating effectively with your partner is essential, especially after a betrayal. Be patient with yourself and your partner while discussing a wide range of emotions, thoughts, fears, doubts, hopes, needs, and longings. Ask your partner what kind of reassurance they need to feel safe and connected with you. T- Trust-building behaviors. There’s a saying, “actions speak louder than words” and it’s vital when rebuilding trust. Partners must give each other the opportunity to prove they are worthy of repairing the relationship and slowly rebuilding the foundation of trust. This takes time so it’s important to be patient, dependable, and consistent with trust-building behaviors. Depending on the nature of the betrayal, this process may take weeks, months, or even years. Talk with your partner about the specific trust-building behaviors they want to see and make a list to ensure you’re following through with them. No doubt betrayals are very difficult to overcome, but if you put these tips in action, your relationships can grow stronger and pain will drift farther away over time. Reconciliation is possible for those willing to work for it. Watch Dr. Kate's interview on how to rebuild T.R.U.S.T after a betrayal on The Couples Corner. If you need assistance in the process of rebuilding your relationship after a betrayal, contact Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT at Bayview Therapeutic Services in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at Info@BayviewTherapy.com or 954.391.5305 ext. 1. Dr. Kate provides pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. She specializes in seeing individuals and couples repair trust and affair recovery.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a specific type of psychotherapy treatment that helps alleviate the distress that individuals are experiencing due to a traumatic experience. The level of emotional distress is decreased and an individual’s capacity to improve their well-being and mental health is also enhanced. Recent research shows that EMDR therapy is a safe and effective form of psychotherapy for teens, especially for teens who find it very difficult to express themselves and talk about their feelings. EMDR can also be a great alternative to teens taking psychotropic medications as it is a natural way to decrease the symptoms they are experiencing. Here are 5 important ways EMDR therapy can help teens: Improvement in quality of sleep - It is common for teens to experience nightmares after a traumatic experience and EMDR therapy can treat the traumatic memories. After engaging in EMDR, teens are able to have a better night’s rest as the nightmares are reduced and eliminated. More confidence and independence - EMDR therapy helps teens heal emotionally and physically which allows them to have a stronger sense of self. This stronger sense of self helps them feel more secure in their connections with peers and family members. More confidence and independence will position teens to create meaningful relationships which can enhance their overall well-being. Promotes resilience - EMDR therapy increases teens’ ability to cope with stress and change in their personal life. Their capacity to handle and navigate negative situations strengthens and they continue to grow from their past experiences as well as feel more prepared for the future. Instead of avoiding stress, they are confident in their ability to manage and cope with stress. Focus better in school - Traumatic experiences negatively affect a teen’s ability to focus in daily life, especially in school. EMDR therapy helps heal the memories that can be overwhelming and distracting so teens can effectively focus and complete their schoolwork. Heal from loss - Whether a teen is experiencing their parent’s divorce, losing friends at school, or the loss of a loved one, the loss can have an intense impact on a teen’s life. Teens experience a myriad of emotions which can be extremely challenging and can also affect a teen’s self-esteem and view of self. EMDR therapy assists teens in processing the loss they are experiencing so they have a deeper understanding of what is going on in their world. This understanding is essential for teens to grow and heal from the loss instead of blaming themselves or others. Do you know of a teen who is experiencing anxiety or other symptoms from a traumatic experience? Contact Bayview Therapy at 954.391.5305 and we would love to answer any questions you have and connect you to a therapist trained in EMDR. Hope and help are always available and we would love to connect with you. We look forward to speaking with you!

We all have a brain in our head, that’s not the news I’m sure. And in the world of mental health treatment and therapy, that brain gets a lot of attention. But what if I told you that you have a second brain living in your gut and it’s communicating with your main brain ALL the time?? Our gut is sending us signals that we often overlook. Have you ever heard someone say that they have “butterflies” in their belly? Or maybe you’ve sensed that something is just not right and you begin to feel a pit in your stomach. These are examples of communication from what scientists refer to as the Enteric Nervous System (ENS). The ENS is made up of nerve cells that live in the lining of your gastrointestinal tract and it’s the CEO of digestive processes (The brain-gut Connection, n.d.). It’s responsible for everything from swallowing to breaking down food and helping with nutrient absorption to elimination. As problems occur within the digestive process, the ENS will send signals to your Central Nervous System (CNS), aka your brain and spinal cord, that trigger changes in your mood. These two systems are on the phone with each other constantly, sharing information and initiating responses in the body. They have a bi-directional relationship. Here’s an example of what I mean: First Brain (CNS) Perceives a Threat → Induces Stress Response → Affects Movement in the Body and Digestive System Second Brain, AKA Your Gut (ENS) Experiences Pain or Dysfunction → Signals to the CNS → Triggers Mood Changes, Anxiety, Depression, etc. (Publishing, 2012) So, what’s the point? Why is it important to understand the role of gut health when considering your mental health? Well for starters, it gives us a new approach to the treatment of mental health disorders. We are able to zoom out and view our struggles from a whole-body perspective and target symptoms with interventions that have an effect on multiple systems within the body. There are loads of research studies and articles that you can explore to learn more about this, but I’d like to highlight one of the most interesting finds I’ve come across. Researchers at Johns Hopkins Center for Neurogastroenterology have found that mind-body therapies and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have been effective treatments for their patients with GI disorders (The Brain-Gut Connection, n.d.). It’s intriguing to consider that these methods often used in mental health therapy have been successful in physical health treatment as well. In fact, neuropsychologists have also speculated that certain psychological and neurological disorders, like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, Alzheimer's, anxiety, and depression, are associated with fluctuations in gut health (McQuillan, 2018). Do you see the connection?!? We can heal and restore our mental wellbeing by improving the health of our gut with nutrition and other holistic treatments, just as many have seen improvement in their digestive system with the use of cognitive and mind-body therapies. If you’ve ever felt like you’re losing control over your mind and emotions, let me reassure you that there are solutions. As a therapist, I wholeheartedly believe in the essential role of one-on-one therapy as a component of the healing process, but what you do and how you live outside of a session is just as important. In my work with you, I will educate and empower you to take the reins and create change through action. I use an integrative approach to support you and your specific needs. Together we will find answers and implement strategies that allow you to live your best life. For more information, visit my bio contact or call me at 954-391-5305 to schedule your complimentary consultation. Let’s get to work! References: The brain-gut connection. (n.d.). Retrieved April 01, 2021, from Hopkins Medicine. McQuillan, S. (2018, November 18). The Gut Brain Connection: How gut health affects mental health. Retrieved April 04, 2021, from PSYCOM. Publishing, H. (2012). The gut-brain connection. Retrieved April 04, 2021, from Harvard Health Publishing.

What could possibly be troublesome about demanding perfection? Isn’t that a good thing? If we’re not working hard to be the best then what’s the point of working at all? I hear questions like these a lot from the over-achiever, goal-oriented folks I see and I have to say it’s tough to hold a position on the topic. It’s one that has two sides and both have valid points that deserve to be explored. What is Perfectionism? The short definition is “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” Not super descriptive and I don’t love that we’re defining a word with the same word, but let’s unpack this a little further. Essentially as a perfectionist, you will not accept anything that does not meet your particular standards of what is flawless. There are three types of perfectionism: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed. Self-oriented perfectionism is when you impose on yourself a specific set of standards (often unrealistic) to define perfection. Other-oriented perfectionism means you are imposing your standards and expectations for perfection on other people. And socially prescribed perfectionism is when you are perceiving or believing that others expect perfection from you. Here’s the problem...to know whether or not you or someone else is meeting the standard you have set or fulfilling expectations there must be ongoing critique and evaluation. For an adaptive perfectionist - someone that is flexible in their expectations - this isn’t a huge issue. It may help them to set clear goals and solve problems more effectively. But for someone that struggles with the fear of failure and all-or-nothing thinking, perfectionism can become incredibly unhealthy and detrimental. What Causes Perfectionism? There are many factors that could contribute to the development of perfectionism as a personality trait, but I’ve found that often it stems from influence and experience during childhood. Sometimes a children will adopt perfectionism because their caregivers are perfectionists and this is what they have learned is “normal.” Sometimes a child will develop perfectionism as a defense mechanism because they are living in a critical environment under constant scrutiny to meet the seemingly impossible expectations of the people around them. Growing up with an ongoing analysis of whether you’re good or bad, right or wrong, can lead you to develop insecurity in yourself, fear of disapproval, and fear of failure. The Ugly Truth Underlying Perfectionism Having unrealistic or unattainable standards and expectations for yourself can fuel negative beliefs that have an impact on your self-esteem and trigger issues with anxiety, panic, depression, OCD, and PTSD. Perfectionism often leads to an overactive inner critic - that voice in your head that says “you’ll never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough…you do everything wrong...no one likes you...you don’t deserve to be happy or loved.” It’s very hard to live a healthy life when your mind is filled with thoughts like these. Your inner critic will hold you back. It will cloud the lens that you use to view yourself and the world around you. Perfectionism can create a dysfunctional pattern of self-sabotage that’s easy to get stuck in. For example, you set a positive goal for yourself, but you demand perfection to achieve it. And because of that maybe you become overwhelmed and procrastinate to avoid that stress. Then when you are not able to accomplish the goal as planned “perfectly,” you knock yourself down with negative thoughts about your worth and abilities. Over time it’s harder and harder to get out of this cycle, but it’s imperative that you do if you are to get on a path towards true fulfillment and self-love. Let Me Help You! Some of the best work in therapy is breaking down old patterns of thinking and behavior to figure out where the heck it comes up and why we keep doing it if it’s not benefiting us. Our minds are incredibly complex and sometimes the software needs an update. For solid change to happen, we have to be willing to acknowledge the ways we may be perpetuating our own struggles. I’d love the chance to support you in the process to learn more adaptive perspectives and strategies to live by. If you’re ready to overcome life challenges and invest in your success, let’s chat! Call me at 954.391.5305 for your complimentary consultation. For more information about my approach, read my bio.

Reaching 10 years in my marriage is a milestone that I have been looking forward to for quite some time. The only unfortunate part is that I was looking forward to celebrating this milestone on a cruise, but Corona kind of got in the way. So instead of celebrating by the poolside with a margarita, I figured I would pass along the 10 lessons that I have learned, not only through my training as a marriage counselor but through personal experience. And yes … marriage counselors have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. We aren’t all in perfect marriages, we are human. We have flaws and we have to learn from them. It is from the flaws and the good times that we (meaning everyone) can prosper and create the relationships that reach 10+ year milestones. So diving into it… what are my 10 lessons? Well, sit back and enjoy some reading because condensing everything into a list of just 10 was very hard! 1. Talk about expectation – The unfortunate part of being in a long-term relationship is that we EXPECT our partners to know what we think, what we want, and what we need. That is NOT the case, which is why it is important to talk about expectations in a relationship. Especially because things change as our relationship evolves. So having conversations, on a regular basis, about our expectations will help keep both of you on the same page of where your relationship is and where you are heading. 2. Understanding “I”, “You” and “We” statements – Now this is a bit of a tricky tip. It takes finesse and conscious awareness of what we say. Which sounds impossible and bound for mishaps. However, as we continue to practice and work, it becomes natural. So what are “I”, “you” and “we” statements, and why are they so important? Well, depending on how you deliver content it will help determine how that specific content is received, and in some cases, the response you get back. a. “I” statements – For me, I statements are an opportunity to come from a place of vulnerability about how you feel and what you need. It is hard to refute how a person feels. Example: “I get scared when I don’t know what is happening and it makes me really anxious.” b. “You” statements – These types of statements have a time and a place and within the conflict, “you” statements don’t normally end well. “You” statements often create the feeling of criticism and defensiveness. Example: “When you don’t call or let me know what is going on, it is like you don’t care.” c. “We” statements – “We” statements help foster feelings of connection and unity. They also allow you both to feel ownership towards finding a solution to whatever conflict arises, versus making one partner feel more responsible to change. Example: “Can we come up with a plan to check in with each other more often?” 3. Conflict is normal – Often times we tend to romanticize the perfect relationship as one that never has conflict, but conflict is normal. Conflict is healthy. Conflict allows a couple to come together, work together, learn how to communicate, and bond at a deeper level. Issues arise with conflict when couples aren’t fighting fairly and when there is no repair. That is when conflict becomes unhealthy. You want to ensure that when conflict does come up in a relationship that you maintain respect for your partner and remember that the ultimate goal is to find a resolution for the betterment of the relationship. Now, the repair is the most crucial part of conflict and one that goes ignored. Repair is how couples come together after a conflict, come to a place of understanding while dropping the need to protect one’s ego. 4. Learn your partner’s love language – The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is a really easy read. If you don’t have the time, you can easily take the quiz to learn about the 5 love languages. To give you a quick summary, the 5 love languages address how we each like to RECEIVE love. You can learn more about your love languages by CLICKING HERE. So learning how your partner wants to receive love can help foster a feeling of appreciation. It helps your partner feel like you know them and that you care about what they need to feel loved. 5. Individual time is important – We don’t need to be with our partner 24/7, in fact, having individual time is healthy for relationships. It allows you to miss your partner, gives you something to talk to your partner about, and gives you space to de-stress. Plus, I am sure your partner would want to be able to spend time doing the things that they enjoy. For example, my husband is into archery. That is not really my thing, but I am more than happy to let him shoot arrows by himself so he can destress while I happily enjoy screaming at Mario for not avoiding Goombas. (That is a Nintendo reference… I enjoy playing video games). 6. Create an appreciation list – So this tip is something that my husband actually started. We created a list of 5 things that we would love to have on a crappy day or a random day that would make us feel good. For example, my husband loves fries from Wingstop, while I enjoy a nice beverage from Starbucks. So, on a random day or on a day where we may have had a crappy day, we pull from the list to make each other feel better. It is a simple tool that can help bring you and your partner together. 7. Communication is essential – This seems obvious, right? However, many couples don’t really take the time to work on communication and communication has many different levels. a. On a small scale, talking with your partner for 5 minutes a day on how your day helped foster emotional intimacy and makes each other feel included. b. At a productive level, having a “meeting of the minds” weekly conversation with your partner on the to-dos that need to be done during the week. Here you guys can talk about bills that are due, appointments that need to be scheduled, or ideally when to go out on a date night. c. At a large scale, having conversations about things that are not working and what is needed to get the both of you on the same page. What I have noticed in my work with couples is that most couples tend to avoid big conversations in order to not create conflict. Finances are oftentimes one of those conversations that couples tend to avoid. By avoiding talking about big topics, the problem builds to a boiling point. Therefore, it is important to talk about heavy topics instead of ignoring them. If this is a problem in your relationship and you don’t know how to start this type of conversation try scheduling it out in advance (maybe during your “meeting of the minds” conversation) so that you both can be prepared mentally to talk things through. 8. Make time as a couple – Time is often a luxury and the responsibilities of life tend to chip away at any free time that we have. When in a relationship it is important to make it a priority, therefore, we need to put in the effort to make time as a couple. Now, it doesn’t always have to be an extravagant night out on the town. It can be simple things that you do together as a way to connect. It can be something as simple as doing a puzzle together, watching a documentary and talking about it together, drinking out on the patio together, etc. As long as it is time for the two of you (no kids involved) to spend time together. If creativity isn’t your thing or if there isn’t much to do, you can opt to have subscription date night boxes sent your way or even download apps on your phone. For example, an app that I recommend for couples as a way to connect is Gottman Love Cards. It is free plus a good way to help foster communication as well. 9. Go to bed angry (if needed) - I know the old saying is “never go to bed angry,” but science has shown that going to bed angry is actually beneficial. Having space and time between argument allows us to process the events of what just happened, maybe think differently and less hastily and often times gives a chance to reflect on what we could have done differently. Let’s say that you are in an argument with your partner during the daytime … in that situation, I would recommend taking a break if things become too heated to allow both of you to have that space to cool off and think more rationally. That usually takes about an hour, biologically speaking, so take that time to do something else to allow you and your partner to decompress. HOWEVER, two crucial things are important to take into account. The first being that the time apart can NOT be longer than 24 hours. I believe that anything beyond 24 hours means that we are now in grudge/resentment territory and that is not where we want to be. So make sure to come back to it within a reasonable timeframe. The second part is to make sure that there are a repair and ownership of your responsibility in the problem. Everyone owns some level of responsibility so it is important to acknowledge that in order for the repair to be successful. 10. Be a safe space for your partner – At a core level in a romantic relationship, we need to create a space where we feel safe. That helps create a feeling of connection, intimacy, and vulnerability. In order to help facilitate that in a relationship, we need to break down the barriers that we have created throughout our lifetime, and allow our partners to be there for us. Granted, this is a space that is earned in a relationship, but it is important that you give your partner some feeling of connection and vulnerability as you slowly chip away at your walls to allow them in. One important thing to understand that being a safe space for your partner doesn’t mean that you are their problem solver. It means that you are there to hear them out and vent, with your ears … not anything else (unless they ask for it). Wow… that was A LOT of lessons that I have learned over the past ten years as a partner and as a marriage counselor. I know that there are many more that I can share with you but I think this is a good foundation for you to start to create the relationship that will hopefully get you to that 10+ year mark as well. So now, I will drink a margarita on my couch with my husband as we dream about the cruise that would have been … LOL … and reflect back on the good times we had together. Can’t wait! If you're wanting some help with your relationship, give me a call at 954.391.5305 for your complimentary consultation. I am offering in-person sessions at our Coral Springs, Florida office or online via a secure telehealth platform. I look forward to speaking with you! *For more information about Jessica Jefferson, LMFT click here.