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This past year as a new mom has been a whirlwind filled with exciting new memories, challenging experiences, and numerous life lessons. As I write about the “7 realizations about being a new mom”, I’m sitting in a salon getting a much-needed pedicure and multitasking (as usual- haha!). If you’re a mom, especially a working mom, you know how hard it is to do things you used to not think twice about - like run errands or schedule time for self-care or even write a blog. It has been way too long since my last post, so here we go! 7 Realizations About Being a New Mom: Self-Compassion is essential: I’ve heard people joke about “mom guilt”, but had no clue it was an actual thing until I had my son. Of course, I had a vast amount of joy, excitement, and happiness about my precious baby boy. However, the mom's guilt was present too. It made me question whether I was spending enough time with him, reading enough, playing enough, going outside enough, socializing enough, and the list goes on. It was especially intense when I first went back to work. When I left my son in the nanny’s care to go to work, I felt guilty and when I took time off to be with him, I felt guilty about not working enough. It was quite the double bind! Over time, I learned to set boundaries with that guilt and have a good handle on it now, but it can definitely get the best of you if you let it. Have realistic expectations of yourself and others: The transition from a household of 2 to 3 is HUGE so it takes time to adjust. I love to have a clean and organized home, but I had to lower my expectations after having a baby. Learning to accept my limitations and the fact that I couldn’t be everything to everyone all the time was not easy and I thank God for my husband’s active involvement! We quickly figured out that we needed to split up responsibilities, take shifts in the middle of the night, and preplan meals for the week. We even decided to eat off of plastic plates for the first few months after he was born, lol. One of the things that were helpful for me was to focus on all the things we WERE doing versus what we were not. After all, there’s only so much time in the day and it’s impossible to get everything done, especially if you value sleep as much as I do! Be present and enjoy the moment: As an entrepreneur managing 2 businesses (Bayview Therapeutic Services and K2 Visionaries), I used to think time flew, but add a baby on top of it and it really flies! Since I own my own businesses, it’s difficult for me to completely disconnect from work when I’m at home. To focus on work when I’m at work and focus on my son when I’m with him, I had to up the ante with my support network (nanny, babysitters, and family). It really does take a village! I constantly check myself to make sure I’m fully present so I can experience all of the amazing “firsts” with my son. Attaining balance is key: Notice I said attaining, not maintaining? The search for work/life balance has been an ongoing theme in my life. Since I’m super ambitious and love what I do for work, it makes it very difficult to stay in balance, especially after my bundle of joy arrived. I love spending time with my son, husband, family, and friends as well. If one responsibility is overtaking the others, I take the necessary steps to reorganize and regain balance. I’ve learned that balance is not a stable thing and that both sides are always fluctuating. Prioritize your couple relationship: The first few months after our son was born, we were in “survival mode”. Since all of our energy was going toward our little one alone time as a couple of times was the last thing on our minds. Once we found our rhythm as new parents, we were able to realign our relationship as a priority. We found good babysitters for date nights and had fun creating new memories together as a couple and as a family. In my practice, I’ve worked with countless couples who neglected their relationship after having kids, and years later they were in my office complaining of disconnection, unhappiness, and some even on the brink of divorce. Those stories motivate me to ensure I create time for my husband and nurture our relationship. Self-care is a must: I’m in the profession of caring for others. Add a little person on top of that and my self-care can plummet to the bottom of the list. To be as effective as I need to be for my son, my family, and my clients, it’s VITAL that I schedule self-care. It’s amazing what a little dose of Florida sunshine or a walk outside can do for me and if I don’t make it to Pilates twice a week, I feel totally out of whack. When I really need a self-care splurge, a little retail therapy works wonders! Figure out what your self-care sweet spots are and make sure you schedule them. Perfection doesn’t exist: There is a HUGE learning curve for first-time parents. No matter how much I read and research, I often wondered whether I was doing things the “right” way. I quickly learned through experience that the only right way is the one that works best for me, my child, and my family. This doesn’t mean don’t read and don’t prepare, it simply means to take your own spin on things and it’s ok if things don’t go by the book. Since becoming a mom, I’ve experienced the most profound love for another human being, which no words could describe. I’ve realized that being a mom is the MOST challenging, yet MOST rewarding job ever. I’ve always had respect for mothers and parents in general, but that respect and admiration has increased 10 fold. I’m so grateful to call myself a mom and feel honored to be amongst this amazing group of women. For women who are thinking about having children, I hope this inspires you. For all the mothers out there, I wish you a warm and happy Mother’s Day. Each day, each of you is truly inspirational in your own way! If you need more support along the motherhood continuum, reach out to schedule a session with Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT, or the team at BayviewTherapy.com. Give us a call today at 954.391.5305. Dr. Kate provides individual counseling for new moms, marriage therapy for expectant couples, couples counseling for new parents, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Imagine having dinner with friends. While catching up, you listen to them talk about their wonderful, positive relationships. When it’s your turn, they ask, ‘So how about you? You pause and realize you’re the ONLY one who isn’t happy with your relationship. Come to think of it, you’ve been settling for someone just for the sake of being in a relationship, and deep down you’re afraid of being alone. Feeling discouraged you say, everything’s great and quickly changes the subject. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. There are many reasons people stay in unfulfilling relationships, but the most common is the fear of being alone. Deciding to leave an unhealthy relationship is tough, which is why many partners stay for much longer than desired. In my practice, I see lots of people struggling with the fear of being alone and they’re often consumed by the ‘what ifs’. What if I never find the right partner? What if I’m single forever? What if I break it off and I’m even more miserable? What if this partner is the best I can find? Fear can trap you if you let it. Ironically, you can feel even more alone in an unhealthy relationship than in no relationship at all. Regardless of your relationship status, here are 3 strategies to get over the fear of being alone: 1) Reconnect with Yourself. One of the most important relationships you will ever have is the one with yourself. Discover what makes you happy by focusing on personal growth and professional development. Explore your interests, passions, and aspirations. Be positive and have patience! When you least expect it, you’ll attract the right partner. 2) Evaluate Your Relational Belief System. Explore your relationship beliefs and values with the following questions. Where did you learn about relationships? What does a healthy relationship mean to you? What’s your relationship wish list? Do you have realistic expectations? 3) Visualize Yourself in a Healthy Relationship. Visualization is a powerful tool for making your dreams become reality! Imagine being in a healthy, loving relationship where your needs are being met. Journaling, collaging, or creating a vision board can help your vision become more concrete. If you need additional help changing your beliefs and relationship patterns, Dr. Kate Campbell, Ph.D. is just a phone call at 954.391.5305 away to discuss your options and how we can work together to get you the life and relationship you want.

In their campaign on 'Real Beauty', Dove conducted a compelling social experiment on women and their self-perceptions. Dove hired a forensic artist to draw blind sketches of women as they described their physical appearance. Then the artist drew a second sketch based on how a stranger described them. Comparisons of the two drawings proved that people's perceptions of themselves are often dramatically different from how they truly are. This video was quite powerful to watch because it highlights similar experiences clients struggle with within therapy. Here's my take on the 3 reasons why Dove's ad on 'Real Beauty' is important. 1) Both men and women fall into the trap of being their own worst critics. We've all experienced that harsh critical voice inside our head aka negative 'self-talk'. Although the video shows mostly women, anyone can struggle with a negative self-image. Self-criticism has no bounds. I see so many incredible clients who are successful, accomplished, and beautiful on the inside and out. At the same time, they struggle with anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, and body-image issues. Just as I do with clients, I challenge you to reject the critical voice and replace it with a positive coach. Notice how it makes a difference in your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships. 2) Set yourself free from the chains of perfectionism. As the video showed, people were really harsh toward themselves, most likely, because they compare themselves to unattainable beauty. Instead of comparing yourself to others and feeling like you're not good enough, learn to accept yourself just as you are. In my opinion, perfection doesn't exist. It's the imperfections that make us beautiful. And we are all imperfectly perfect. Find a way to embrace unique qualities, attributes, and strengths. Self-acceptance and confidence are empowering and allow us to radiate beauty from the inside out. Beauty is a state of mind! 3) The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. When people become hyper-focused on perceived flaws, they aren't able to see the whole picture. The video demonstrated how people magnify minor imperfections and classify themselves as unattractive, because of a tiny flaw. Instead of focusing on one small aspect, take a step back and see yourself as a whole person. Discover aspects that you do like about yourself. What we focus on magnifies! Curious about what contributes to our self-perceptions? In my opinion, the most powerful influences are the media, South Florida culture, relationships, family dynamics, and previous life experiences. My advice? Channel the criticism in a more useful direction by becoming a critical viewer of social and media messages. Although our society places a strong emphasis on physical beauty, beauty isn't only skin deep. I agree with Dove, "We are more beautiful than we think!!" For additional support, contact Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT, or the team at Bayview Therapeutic Services at 954.391.5305. Dr. Kate provides individual counseling, pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

You may not have heard of Snapchat, the mobile app that enables users to capture videos and images that self-destruct after a few seconds. But if there's a teen or young adult in your life, it's pretty safe to assume they have. Imagine your 14-year-old daughter receives a message on Snapchat from a group of mean kids at school. The "Snap" is a video of hurtful comments aimed at humiliating your teen. Embarrassed and upset, she comes to talk to you about the disturbing message, but before you even have a chance to see it with your own eyes…poof… it’s gone! So is Snapchat the latest cyberbullying tactic? With the prevalence of social media and modern technology, cyberbullying is more common than you think and Snapchat provides the perfect platform. Snapchat was introduced two years ago by Standford undergrads and now clocks about 200 million snaps a day (CNBC). The app has become wildly popular with teens and college students as a fun and fast way to share moments with friends. However, I've noticed an alarming trend in my practice where teens and even pre-teens are suffering from unexpected cyberbullying attacks via Snapchat. According to the i-SAFE foundation, over 50% of teens have been bullied online and about the same number have participated in cyberbullying. Cyberbullying involves the use of technology to harass another person and is extremely damaging to adolescents. Snapchat is especially challenging. Although the Snaps disappear without a trace, their messages can leave lasting impacts. Cyberbullying leads to anxiety, low self-esteem, social withdraw, depression, and even suicide. Sadly, the statistics show that only 10% of teens actually tell a parent when they’ve experienced cyberbullying. Because of these virtual challenges, parents need to be more involved than ever by providing unconditional love and support coupled with stability and structure. It's a lot easier to monitor a teen’s involvement on social media if the computer is kept in a shared space such as the family room. Also, make sure you have access to their email and cell phone accounts. My advice for parents is to calmly talk with their kids about social media, photo-sharing apps, and cyberbullying. Find out what they already know and whether they use these apps. Encourage your teen to tell an adult if they know of cyberbullying. Remind them that no one deserves to be bullied and they won’t be punished if they disclose that someone is bullying them. Here are a few suggestions for how to address cyberbullying and help reduce the risk: Talk to the parents of the cyberbully and inform the school if it's school-related Don't open messages from cyberbullies Block the person from your teen's phone and social media apps Get off Snapchat and social media altogether Change your teen's phone number or email address Contact the police if the messages are threatening or sexual in nature If you want to learn more about Snapchat and how to limit your teen's involvement, check out the guide for parents. For additional support or to set up a therapy session, contact Dr. Kate Campbell at 954-391-5305 at Bayview Therapeutic Services. Dr. Kate provides individual counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

“Our relationship is falling apart and my partner just won’t come to therapy. I’m so scared that things will never change. Will I be able to help my relationship if I’m the only one going to therapy? Do couples therapy for one really exist?” If this is a question you have, you’re not alone. This is a very common concern for people considering couples therapy. There is a tendency for the more distressed partner to initiate therapy, and if this is you, I admire your courage. Painfully, I’ve met people who waited too long before seeking professional help, because they thought couples therapy would only work if both partners attended. Of course, it's optimal when both partners are directly involved in the therapeutic process. However, when that’s not an option, couples therapy for one can help. When both partners are committed to the relationship, but only one partner is willing to seek therapeutic support, it’s possible for that partner to initiate positive changes in their relationship. As a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), I have witnessed many clients enhance their relational fulfillment and satisfaction through individual therapy. I think of it as a ripple effect where a small change in one person expands to affect change for the couple. Change is both scary and exciting. It's important to remember that people change when they are open to the possibilities of change and that change is a process that’s different for everyone. During our sessions, we will focus on identifying the strengths that are already present in your relationship, while developing more effective interactional patterns between you and your partner. The key to a healthy relationship is learning how to become a happier person from within, instead of expecting your partner to create happiness for you. Creating small shifts in how you relate to yourself and your partner can lead to a happier and healthier relationship over time. If you’re interested in couples therapy but have been waiting for your partner to agree, then wait no more. Individual counseling with a relationship expert can help you make positive changes in your life and your relationship, making it even stronger than it was before. For relationship support in individual therapy or couples therapy, call Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT at 954-391-5305. Dr. Kate provides pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

If I asked how often you made YOU a priority, would you say something like, “I’ll put that question on my never-ending ‘to-do' list and get back to you ASAP”? If this sounds like you, let me invite you to take a deep breath and slowly repeat after me, “whoooosah”! With the hustle and bustle of daily life, many of us get so busy focusing on different tasks and taking care of other people’s needs that we forget to take care of ourselves. In our attempts to manage multiple roles, relationships, and responsibilities, we mindlessly move from one thing to another trying to fit it all in. While it may seem counterproductive to slow down and take a break, ‘me-time,’ aka self-care, actually helps us to better manage stress, maintain a sense of balance, AND respond more effectively in relationships. Unfortunately, self-care is rarely a top priority and can be especially tricky in relationships. It’s difficult to navigate me-time vs. we-time to find a balance with self-care in relationships. Happy couples are more likely to have a balance between ‘me-time’ and ‘we-time’ otherwise known as togetherness and separateness. Studies show that when people neglect their own needs in relationships, they are at a higher risk for depression, resentment, anxiety, deflated self-esteem, and burnout. When working with couples, I commonly hear relationship complaints that are a direct result of intense we-teaming such as: “Lately, every little thing he does irritates me” or “I’m frustrated, because I haven’t seen my friends in forever” or “I just don’t feel appreciated anymore.” Couples who are hesitant to take ‘me-time’ often feel on edge, stressed out, easily agitated, overwhelmed, and under-appreciated due to various interpersonal demands. Why does this happen? Sometimes, it’s because WE feel obligated to place other people’s needs before our own or get caught up in acts of people-pleasing when we really just want to say no. Partners need to be in tune with one another by letting each other know when personal space is needed. The key is to talk about it and reach a shared understanding of the relationship. Self-care is not a selfish act nor should it threaten the relationship. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. When communicated effectively, ‘ME-time’ can enhance and strengthen the relationship. Once a couple has room to breathe, they are better able to connect with themselves and each other, balancing ‘ME’ with ‘WE’. For additional support with finding balance individually or as a couple, contact Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT, or the team at Bayview Therapeutic Services today at 954.391.5305. Dr. Kate provides individual therapy, pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Spring has always been one of my favorite seasons! It represents hope, growth, possibilities, and new beginnings. Now that I live in South Florida, the seasons are much more subtle, but I’m always mindful of them. Just as the seasons change, people, partners, and relationships change. I specialize in working with couples who are experiencing various life transitions. Some transitions are obvious such as the excitement of bringing home a newborn or the painful process of going through a divorce. Others are subtle such as losing sight of your relationship while raising children or drifting apart over time due to busy work schedules. With spring in the air, it’s the perfect time to reflect on the climate of your relationship and identify areas where you might need to do a little ‘spring cleaning’. According to relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, couples with the most relational satisfaction are those who maintain positive regard, deep friendship, and support each other's hopes for the future. Here are 5 tips to spring clean your relationship informed by Gottman’s research: 1) Maintain a Positive Perspective. Your outlook directly influences what you see in your partner and how you experience the relationship. Notice the things you appreciate and let your partner know about them! When a relationship hits a rough patch, it’s easy to fall into the trap of minimizing, dismissing, or ignoring the positive things that happen. This builds negativity over time. Don’t take things for granted! Plant seeds of fondness and appreciation within your relationship and watch the positivity grow. 2) Strengthen Your Friendship. How well do you know your partner? Do you know their likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams? Deep friendships are the foundation for trust, commitment, intimacy, and sexual satisfaction in relationships. To deepen your friendship, ask your partner opened-ended questions, share meaningful stories, spend quality time together, try new activities, and have fun creating new memories! 3) Invest in Your Emotional Bank Account. We all know what a financial bank account is, but how often do you make deposits in your relationship’s emotional bank account? Each time you turn toward your partner to offer support, kindness, affection, humor or engage in a meaningful conversation, you’re building up a reserve. This savings account represents trust and security, which can help you weather the storm when conflict arises and stay connected through times of difficultly. 4) Manage Conflict Constructively. Everyone experiences conflict in relationships. Whether it’s a small disagreement or a blow-out fight, it’s the way they’re discussed that makes the difference. Constructive conflict can help you learn to better love and understand your partner. To avoid destructive conflict, take some time to calm down before dialoguing about problems. Most importantly, keep criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness at bay aka the ‘Four Horsemen’. 5) Build Shared Meaning. Talk with your partner about their life dreams and explore how to make them become a reality. When you build visions of the future together, you’re connecting on a deeper and more meaningful level. Discover ways to create shared meaning in your daily life through rituals of connection such as greeting each other when you come home, saying I love you before bed, scheduling regular date nights, and celebrating birthdays or special holiday traditions. What are your thoughts about these 5 tips to spring clean your relationship? Which are your strengths and which ones do you need to focus more on developing in your relationship? Which ones inspire you to do something different? If you want to talk more about relationship building, or a relationship revival, contact Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT, and the team at Bayview Therapeutic Services at (954)391-5305 . Dr. Kate provides pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

One of the most transformative moments in the life of a teen is when they realize that inside them, they already have all the strength and ability necessary to solve their own problems. That realization gives them such a sense of empowerment that it immediately elevates their self-esteem and sense of well-being. One way to help them see they have all of the strengths and resources inside of them, is to separate their problem from themselves. In Narrative Therapy, we call this “externalizing the problem”, where the problem is the problem and the person is not the problem. Once the teen realizes they are not the problem, they can use their strengths and expertise to deal with the determined issue bothering them, be it anxiety, anger, or negative thoughts. It can be very helpful to use images and metaphors to depict the presenting problem. Kids and Teens have a wonderful ability to use their imagination and really look at “anger” or “anxiety” as an actual independent entity that comes to pester them. We can take it a step further by helping the teen give the problem a name, making it even more removed from themselves. In this way, “anger” becomes the character, “Stripe” (from the Gremlins), and anxiety becomes “Boog” (from the movie Open Season), who like to come “visit” and many times attempt to control teens. In counseling, problems that can be resolved in this way are numerous, from anger, performance anxiety, poor self-esteem, social anxiety, negative thoughts, depression, and bad habits. In today’s cyber world, where avatars and virtual creatures are so personified and viewed with such importance, there is an ease for teens to envision this externalized entity and furthermore, communicate with it. Working with kids and teens, we give meaning to these problems and help them negotiate the best way to help them make peace with themselves despite their problematic parts. As an illustration, I had one teen make friends with “anxiety”, because she realized that anxiety was there to warn her about danger. In that session, clinician and teen noticed how “Boog” convinced her to feel negatively and do things that weren’t useful. The teen then gave meaning to what “Boog” was trying to do, understood how and what it thought, and realized where it was wrong or weak. She realized that unlike him, she is strong and caring and that she could make “Boog” feel better by hugging him and making him safe, consequently healing them both. In this way, she completely eliminated her anxiety about that situation. When I asked her in the next session how her anxiety was, she just said, “Oh Boog? He only visits sometimes and now I know how to calm him down.” The key to dissolving the heart of the problem is a technique called “deconstructing the problem”. Since the teen is the expert in their own life, deconstructing the problem down to its most detailed meaning helps create the best solution for that specific core issue. This is a non-judgmental exploration of the problem and how it relates to the many other parts of the teen’s life. The teen realizes that on one hand they have a fearful part, but on the other hand they also have strong and bold parts. Therapy can help teens learn how to use its strong and resourceful parts to help whatever parts were creating pain.  This creates an opportunity for children and teens to know themselves in a more positive light, increase their confidence, and promote real and lasting healthy changes in their lives. If you want to learn more about how to invite lasting changes into your teen’s life, contact Alexa von Oertzen, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at 954-391-5305. Alexa sees teens and families at the beautiful, serene counseling offices at Bayview Therapy in Fort Lauderdale or through a secure online counseling portal. Call today for your free consultation. #teencounseling #anxiety

Yes. I am speaking to you, the man in the relationship. Have you been wondering what happened to the passion and connection you used to have with your partner? You knew her thoughts at the beginning of your relationship, had plenty of affection between you, and had so much fun together. Lately, you don't understand why she is so irritable and guarded. Everything you say seems wrong, so you try your best to stay away and keep conversation to a minimum to make sure there are no arguments. You both haven't been intimate in a while, and when you have, it has been mechanical and awkward. The new norm is lonely and unsatisfying. You spend half your time wondering if she has someone else in her life and the other half wondering if you should even stay in this relationship. You are not alone! Many couples feel their connection is so good in the beginning that they think they don't need to continue to put as much effort to keep it fresh through time. Communication is the essential part of maintaining the bond between couples. Unfortunately, outside sources, misunderstandings, resentments, and unmet expectations can create a rift over time that feels as lonely as single life. What if you could turn things around to know that you had your partner back? She would look at you with admiring eyes again, laugh at your jokes, do little thoughtful things for you, and hold you tight at night. You would get back to the same wavelength and regain that sense of belonging. Maybe there is that special thing that she used to do that made you feel special. You have a lot more control over your relationship than you think. You might think it is hopeless to try to do this alone. It might not be easy at first, but if you take the below actions, you can fundamentally impact your relationship for the better. Some of the tips might seem counterintuitive, but this is why they are so vital to have in your relationship toolbox. Avoid Stonewalling. Whether you have a misunderstanding or an actual offense committed by either of you, there is no resolution without purposeful conversation. Going to sleep without offering some solution, ignoring your partner's pleas, or creating a continuous pattern of withdrawing behavior, will raise the level of resentment in your partner and compound the problem. Stonewalling, a term utilized by The Gottman Institute is the emotional and physical withdrawal of a partner when confronted by criticism. It is one of the leading causes of divorce. Interestingly, studies show that "85% of Dr. Gottman's stonewallers are males". The key here is to address the situation as soon as possible by listening and stating your stance with honesty and respect. Take some time to regain your calm. On the other side of the spectrum, you could be someone who needs to solve everything right away, causing you to become very intense and even intimidating. The more your partner complains or opposes your views, the louder you feel you need to go to win the argument. You end up saying things you don't mean and make her concur even if this goes against her true feelings. How long can a partner pretend to agree with you before they get tired of not being true to themselves? If you know you are getting frustrated or angry, a walk around the block would be a good solution. After taking a few breaths and walking off your anger, think of how resolving this issue will bring you all back to a peaceful place. Take responsibility and self-reflect. A heartfelt "I'm sorry" and taking responsibility for your part in a disagreement can go a long way with your partner. I don't mean you have to be sorry for everything. It takes two people to cause an argument. You can feel sorry for how she feels, even if it was not your intention to hurt her. You can show her you understand her side by making changes in your behavior. Take a moment to look at the issue from her perspective. Step into her shoes and try to notice how you would feel if you were in her situation. Taking inventory of yourself, your thoughts, and your behaviors can help ensure that you live up to your values and the most genuine you. Show your feelings. Few are comfortable with showing vulnerability. What if our partner will use it to hurt us even more? We tend to protect our ego by appearing strong and in control. The issue is that when we don't allow our partners into our inner emotions, we cut off the possibility of them being there for us, and we destroy any opportunity for meaningful connection. When you become brave enough to open up emotionally, that gives your partner the safety to share her deeper parts. The result is more connection and joy. Avoid blaming and fixing. We have to stop looking at disagreements as "it's their fault." This type of thinking is like quarreling about what came first, the egg or the chicken. Relationships are not about 'good or bad,' 'should or shouldn't.' The fact is that nobody is perfect. We all have done something that annoyed our partner. An example can be: the more you demand intimacy with your partner, the more she will feel pressured and avoid being close. The more she avoids contact, the more you complain or insult her for not wanting to be intimate with you, and around the circle you go. The way out of the blame cycle is to gain a broader perspective and shift the negative pattern by starting with yourself. Create positive and meaningful times together. When you get to the point that your memories are mostly negative, it is essential to start building a good number of positive ones to help tip the scales. Agree not to discuss the issues you currently have and plan a 'date' with your partner. Spend time doing something you both enjoy. Talk about a happy memory you have from when you first met. Tell her one thing you admire or love about her. Make it a consistent practice to add fun to your times together, to surprise each other with a thoughtful gesture. Have her follow your lead. She will be proud that you are championing your relationship. Know when you need additional help. Based on information gained from the Gottman Institute, "only "19% of couples seek help". This statistic points to missed opportunities and could be related to the country's high percentages of divorce. Consider this when thinking about hiring professional help for your relationship. You can also seek individual counseling if you want a better understanding of your relationship's condition. Why should you seek individual therapy in connection with your work in couple's therapy? Because your relationship's health and growth are directly related to your personal development. I have been successfully facilitating individual sessions with men to improve their relationships since 2014. This work often occurs either before couples' sessions are requested or concurrently with his work in couple's therapy. Individual therapy allows people to dive deeper into the issues from their perspective and face their feelings without their partner's pressure in the room. It validates their view of the situation and helps them take inventory of themselves. They can better understand what they want and how to achieve it. I mostly enjoy helping them improve their communication skills to ensure smoother sailings ahead. Call me today at 954-391-5305 to start repairing your relationship and building a more meaningful life.

If you are reading this more than likely you are interested in Postpartum Depression. Maybe you’ve just had a baby, are pregnant, or know someone you are concerned about. Postpartum Depression is not an easy subject to discuss. Unfortunately, this subject does not get the attention it deserves or the awareness it demands. My hope is that after reading this article you feel empowered to get help or to help someone that may be suffering from Postpartum Depression. You see my goal is to reduce the stigma associated with this illness. Because postpartum depression is totally treatable and getting help can save lives. Some may say I’m being a little dramatic, but read on and decide for yourself. Here is a story of a woman who experienced Postpartum Depression: I had the perfect birth and I was so in love with my baby. For the first 5 weeks after my baby was born, I felt proud of how well everything was going. Although I was worn down by night after night of interrupted sleep, I enjoyed my baby and wanted my 3 month maternity leave to last forever. One night instead of collapsing into sleep the minute my baby went down for the four-hour stretch of what I called “night”, I couldn’t fall asleep for 2 hours! The next night it was three hours, then four. Those feelings of worry and dread overcame me. This spilled over into not only worrying about sleeping, but worrying about everything. I cried at the drop of a hat and the feeling of sadness slowly consumed me. I stopped eating. I stopped smiling. I stopped socializing. I stopped being me. Does this story sound familiar to you? You could be this mom; anyone of us could. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. So, what is Postpartum Depression? Postpartum Depression occurs in about 1 in 7 women after childbirth. The biggest risk factors for developing Postpartum Depression is having a history of depression or psychological factors like conflict with a partner, poor social support, and ongoing stressful life events such as moving or starting a new job. You probably all know the expected mom who sells their house and moves, gets a new puppy, and decides to remodel the kitchen at 8 months pregnant. But oftentimes what you don’t realize is how overwhelming having a new baby is and how much support you truly need. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time, how hard can it be, right? Well, not only is having children one of the most wonderful times in a mother’s life, it is also one of the hardest. More often than not, you are too ashamed or afraid to ask for help when you need it. A study looking at 6,000 women found that moms with minimal social support were 5 times more likely to experience postpartum depression. While it is not new information to anyone that mothers are sleep deprived, research suggests poor sleep is also a risk factor for depression and depression contributes to sleep issues. Women with postpartum depression experience less effective sleep and more daytime fatigue than women without postpartum depression.  Infants with sleeping problems and maternal fatigue are associated with postpartum depression. The symptoms of postpartum depression last longer than the “baby blues” and are more severe. These symptoms include but are not limited to: ● low mood or depressed mood, sadness and excessive crying ● loss of interest or pleasure in doing things ● agitation and irritability, anxiety and constant worry ● difficulty concentrating, disturbances in appetite and/or sleep, loss of energy ● feelings of guilt, shame, or hopelessness ● possible thoughts of harming yourself or your baby. Someone suffering from depression may experience some or all of these symptoms. Women are vulnerable to postpartum depression up to one-year following delivery. New mothers who find themselves overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, or depressed should not be silent or ashamed. You should know that you are not alone and help is available. Getting help does not mean you don’t love your baby. It does not mean you are not a good mother. It does not mean you are a failure. You, as a parent, do not know everything and cannot do everything. Sometimes your emotions feel out of control and life feels impossible. The sooner you can recognize symptoms of postpartum depression and get the help you need the sooner you can enjoy your new baby. Please give me a call for your free consultation at 954-391-5305. You are not alone, you are not to blame, and with my help, you will be well. #PostpartumDepression #MaternalMentalHealth

When many of us think of first responders, we envision the firefighter in full bunker gear bravely running into the burning building. Or the police officer facing off with the armed assailant threatening innocent lives. Though this image certainly rings true, what we do not tend to think of is that firefighter dragging himself across the threshold of his own home after a 24-hour shift, bedraggled and beaten down by the pain and misfortune of others. Or the police officer who is too emotionally exhausted to look at his child’s science project, because he has been functioning at the arousal level of a deer in the woods for the past ten years. Doing a job with one of the highest risk levels out there takes its toll. And make no mistake, being revered as the strongest and the bravest, being regarded as a real-life hero, well... it comes at a cost. When reading the research on mental health in the first responder community it quickly becomes apparent what that cost is. Rates of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance abuse are exponentially higher amongst first responders when compared to the general public. According to a report from the Ruderman Family Foundation in 2017, more firefighters and police officers die by suicide each year than in the line of duty. This is likely a vast under-representation. Additionally, the Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA) states that only 40%-45% of firefighter suicides are even reported. Just because they have taken on a job that most of us can only pretend to be as little children does not mean they are actually invincible. Just because we perceive them as heroes do not mean that their minds or bodies are immune to the effects of sleep deprivation, prolonged exposure to high stress, and trauma each and every day. Our first responders are humans. They are our partners, friends, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and children. And they need our help. How EMDR Helps First Responders: There is one treatment approach endorsed by the World Health Organization, the American Psychological Association, the US Department of Veteran Affairs, and many more high-level organizations as an effective treatment for trauma and its associated struggles: EMDR. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This incredible method was developed in the late 1980s by Dr. Francine Shapiro who discovered the connection between eye movement and the processing of distressing events. Though this may sound a bit “out there” it really comes as no surprise as the scientific community has known for decades that thought consolidation and adaptive processing typically occurs most actively during our deep sleep or REM stage which stands for, you guessed it… rapid eye movement! Don’t get too caught up on this though, as we have now discovered that it’s the bilateral stimulation (alternating left-right stimuli) that sparks up the brain’s natural healing capacity. So now many therapists institute other forms of bilateral stimulation besides eye movements like the use of hand-held vibrations (tappers) or headphones with alternating tones. So, how does EMDR work? When traumatic events occur, the brain can become stuck in the “fight or flight” reaction. Trapped along with that event are all the memories associated with it including sensory (the smell of the smoke, the sound of the gunshots, the color of the sky that day); thoughts (“I might not make it out of this,” or “That mother is never going to see her child again,” or “Did I do enough?”); and emotions (anger, fear, and pain). The bilateral stimulation utilized in EMDR, along with other components guided by your specially trained EMDR therapist awakens the brain’s natural healing process allowing you to make sense of and move past your trauma. EMDR is NOT brainwashing. EMDR will not erase your memory or trick your mind. We all have the capacity to heal naturally within us. Just think about how miraculous it is that a cut on your arm will heal over in time, all by itself. The brain has this power too! But what trauma does is it blocks this ability and gets the brain stuck in a loop of pain, self-doubt, despair, and impending doom. Because of the heightened level of awareness that first responders are forced to operate under and the repeated exposure to both their own trauma and vicarious trauma of those they serve, they can be some of the most ideal clients for the EMDR intervention. Benefits of EMDR for First Responders: EMDR does not require you to talk in detail about your traumatic event. As a matter of fact, the area of the brain that EMDR accesses does speak the language of words, details, facts, or descriptions. Often during the processing portion of EMDR clients are asked to speak as minimally as possible, just enough to let your therapist know where they are at. EMDR does not require homework in between sessions. Many therapeutic techniques request writing exercises, practicing new things, or completing activities outside of the office. Not to say that these are not effective, because they ARE, but we know that you are busy out there keeping us safe and your time is spread thin as it is. EMDR can often be completed in fewer sessions than many traditional talk therapy approaches. Your trauma has taken up enough of your precious time. Though self-care is a marathon and not a sprint, we want you to get back to being the best version of yourself as quickly as possible. For more information on the science behind EMDR or what to expect in your EMDR journey please visit the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing International Association website at www.emdria.org. First Responders have dedicated their entire life to taking care of and protecting us. Now it’s our time to take care of them. If you or someone you know could benefit from First Responder Counseling with an EMDR trained therapist, contact Bayview Therapy at 954-391-5305 to schedule a complimentary consultation to see how our Certified First Responder Counselors and EMDR trained therapists can help! We have offices in Coral Springs and Fort Lauderdale, Florida. ***This article was written by Sara Speed, LMHC who is a certified First Responder counselor providing therapy and EMDR for first responders and their partners in Coral Springs, Florida. She is also married to a FireFighter, which is another reason she is so passionate about helping first responders heal, overcome struggles, and build their resilience.

You have wanted to sit down with your family for some time, because many things have been left unsaid. Consequently, the tension has been building, and so has the hurt. Maybe the issue is with your siblings or perhaps it’s a rift with your parents. At the time, it might have seemed better to let it go and move on to adulthood, but the lack of communication left everyone feeling hostile, resentful, and defensive. Certain boundaries, behaviors, and coping skills utilized in your family of origin might not have been the healthiest. Now you notice that you are falling back on those behaviors with your new relationships. You try to do better with your partner, but sometimes you get triggered by an action that takes you back to when you were 15 years old and couldn’t advocate for yourself. That is when you might want to consider picking up the phone and trying to rally your family to come together for some much-needed communication and closure. You think to yourself, “How do I get the communication going? Who’s most at fault? Who can I rely on, from my family, to express the interest in getting everyone in a room to talk about what we wish we had resolved years ago? As relationship experts say, it is not about who is at fault; it is about the patterns of negative communication and behaviors that people create and get stuck in. Below are good signs it's time to work on your family relationships: A vital member of the family is shut down and detached. You can’t trust some of your family members. You feel you are walking on eggshells around certain members of your family. One of your family members is exhibiting risky behaviors or has an addiction. A traumatic event affected the whole family. Young adults are still at their parent’s home and show no signs of autonomy. Parents used their kids to hurt their ex-spouses. Parents and their (minor or adult) kids do not understand or accept each other’s views. Unhealthy family alliances or preferences for specific people hurt the other family members. There is little love, empathy, or support evidenced in the family. Suppose you know you fall into one of these scenarios. In that case, it is essential to think of the whole family, how it has been operating, what roles each member has played, and who would be the best ally to help get your family interested in engaging in respectful mediated talks. How can you get family members to come together? You can start by contacting your closest family member(s) and highlight the positive outcomes possible for each person, such as: how things would be different, how each person would gain stronger relationships, better support, and happier moods. Aligning your goals is another great way to get your family to try therapy. If there is one thing each family member agrees on, as a positive outcome, then that is the angle to be taken. For example, learning better communication skills, fixing behavioral problems, improving empathy, adjusting boundaries, or reducing conflict, are good motivators for families to come together. If none of the above methods work, invite members to support you as additional historians to ensure that past events are correct (non-biased). This way, you can more easily dissolve misunderstandings between you and the person you are working with towards conflict resolution. In addition, the extra family members can offer good points, serve as support, or end up wanting to resolve their issues with you or the other family member in the room. What are the positive outcomes of family therapy? What I find in my therapy sessions is that when the whole family comes together, each member benefits from hearing how and why they have been valuable in their family. They hear positive feedback that they would rarely hear without prompting from a professional. They also have the opportunity to voice their opinions and share their emotions without fearing retaliation. The therapist can ensure each member has a voice, is validated, and has their viewpoint translated so that the whole family can understand. Another crucial cognitive change for the family is to learn that there are no "at fault" or "problem" members. They realize that the other person's behavior had a reason based on that person's original understanding. Family members learn to utilize 'I- statements' to communicate their problems, take away blame, encourage sharing feelings, and focus on solutions. If you would like to gain some of these benefits and help create a healthy functioning family, consider taking some time and investing in family sessions. A family therapist can help you as an individual to recognize your worth and also help you connect better with your family of origin as well as your new relationships. You only have one family - Make it count Take the first step today and call me for a 15-minute complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305 if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment for family counseling in Coral Springs or Fort Lauderdale, Florida. For more information about my approach to counseling, click here.