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As a couple’s therapist, I pay attention to and listen to the ways couples interact with one another. One of the most important ways a couple interacts is how they vie for one another’s attention and how each partner goes about meeting the other person’s needs. As a Gottman Method Couples Therapy trained therapist, I call making this sort of attempt to interact a bid for connection. The way we respond to our partner’s bids for connection is called “turning towards” or responding positively to our partner in such moments. Turning towards our partner’s bids is how we meet emotional needs and demonstrate our love and dedication to the relationship. Prioritizing the emotional needs of our partner means that we care about our partner’s feelings and how they are experiencing the relationship. We want our partner to feel loved, valued, appreciated, and respected, and meeting the emotional needs of our partner is how we accomplish this. Best-selling author Dr. Gary Chapman would refer to these efforts as speaking to our partner’s love language. The 5 love languages as written in his book are quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. People express love differently and understanding how our partner expresses love is vital for the purpose of knowing when our partner is showing us, love. Conversely, it’s just as important to understand what helps our partners feel loved so that we can demonstrate our love for them in ways they can receive. Understanding our partner’s love language/s can help with increasing connection, enhancing appreciation, improving communication and intimacy. Knowing our partner’s love language also assists with preventing problems in the relationship by managing expectations on what it means to be loved. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, “one of the most significant indicators of a successful relationship is your ability to connect with your partner on multiple levels. If you are trying to express love in a language that your partner doesn’t relate to, it will be no surprise that there will be dis-connect”. Knowing our partner’s love language can lead to fewer instances of miscommunication because it means that we understand how to reach our partner in an emotionally deeper way. Once we know and understand our partner’s love language, it becomes easier to recognize when our partner is making a concerted effort towards the relationship. It becomes more obvious when someone is being loving and dedicated to the relationship, which often leads to us feeling more fulfilled in the relationship. It should be noted that whenever we speak our partner’s love language (or vice versa) it’s like putting money into one’s emotional bank account. Whenever our emotional bank account is full, we have more to give back to the other person, thereby meeting their needs and speaking to their love language in return. To gain more understanding of our partner’s love language it’s important that we pay attention and tune in to our partner, looking for evidence of when they are feeling loved. If people are paying attention and partners are still missing each other on this level, it never hurts to ask questions and to continue seeking out information. Getting to know each other’s love language comes down to open and honest communication and taking a deep interest in how the other person experiences love and connection. If you and your partner need support or guidance in deepening your connection, improving your communication with love languages, or anything else in your relationship, I invite you to contact me today for your complimentary consultation. I offer couples counseling and counseling for individuals who want to improve their relationships in both Coral Springs and Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I look forward to speaking with you!

College can be an exciting time. You’re meeting new people, living on your own for the first time, choosing classes that you actually find interesting, learning new things about yourself, and getting your first taste of independence. …and then there’s a whole lot of pressure to succeed, pick a major, choose the right career, take care of yourself while living on your own for the first time, all while getting good grades so you can get your dream job and pay off all of that student loan debt. It’s okay if you feel anxious about college because it definitely can be stressful. Experiencing some anxiety can be helpful because it can act as a motivator; if you’re worried about a test, you’re more likely to take the time to study. It’s when that anxiety becomes overwhelming that problems can arise. If you’re experiencing overwhelming anxiety as a college student, you’re not alone. According to the Fall 2018 American College Health Assessment, 63% of US college students report overwhelming anxiety, and 23% report receiving an anxiety disorder diagnosis. These numbers have continued to rise, especially since the start of the pandemic. The good news is that coping with anxiety as a college student is totally manageable. Even creating small changes to your routine can decrease anxious feelings. Here are 4 tips you can use to cope with anxiety while you’re in college. Take small steps: When you’re feeling anxious, your first instinct might be to avoid what’s causing the anxiety. You might find yourself skipping class, pushing off assignments until the last minute, or isolating. This might delay feeling anxious at the moment but can create more problems in the future which will inevitably cause more stress. To tackle this, start by creating the smallest possible goals that will help you eventually get back on track. For example, if you’re worried about an exam try just opening your textbook to the first page. From there, continue creating small goals, like reading the first sentence of the page. These probably sound silly because of how easy they are, but that’s the point. You already know you can open your book and read a sentence, which means you can easily get it done. You might even feel motivated to read the next few sentences, which can turn into a paragraph, then eventually a chapter. Eventually completing these smaller goals will add up and you’ll achieve more than you would by avoiding studying together. Approaching a large task by breaking it down into smaller, manageable parts can help you feel more motivated and less overwhelmed. Watch out for negative self-talk It can be so easy to start criticizing yourself for not measuring up to your own standards. Tearing yourself apart doesn’t help in the long run and can cause you to feel more anxious and depressed. To become more aware of when that negative self-talk takes over, start noticing the situations that trigger these thoughts like what time of day it is, who you’re with, what you’re talking about, etc. Once you have a better idea of what triggers these thoughts, try imagining saying these critical thoughts out loud and directed to a friend. If you can’t imagine saying something so harsh to a friend or loved one, you don’t deserve to say it to yourself. You can also try thinking of objective facts that can prove that thought wrong. If you catch yourself thinking “I’ll never be able to do this, I’m a failure” try to think of times in your life when you accomplished something. Getting into college is a massive accomplishment so you can start there. By building evidence against this thought, you’re showing yourself how that thought is just a thought, not a fact. Get adequate sleep If you’re feeling anxious about grades you might consider pulling an all-nighter to cram before a big exam. This might seem like a good idea at the moment, but According to the American Sleep Association, lack of sleep can impair our memory, concentration, and it reduces our ability to complete mathematical calculations. Not sounding too good if you’re studying for a math exam, right? Lack of sleep also affects your emotions causing you to feel more irritable, depressed, or anxious. The CDC recommends an average of 7 hours of sleep per night for anyone 18 and older. This isn’t a PSA to go to bed at 9 every night, just give yourself enough time to get 7 hours of sleep. If you’re a night owl, try signing up for classes that are later in the day so you have time to sleep. Talk to someone Literally anyone. As a freshman, everyone is in the same boat as you and might be feeling the same way you do. Look for activities on campus for freshmen or new clubs/sports to join. If meeting new people is making you feel more anxious, try calling a friend from home or your family. Hearing from the people who care about you can help with feelings of loneliness. If you’ve tried one or all of these tips and still find that your worries are difficult to control, therapy might be a good option. Look into counseling resources on campus or local therapists in your area. At Bayview Therapy located in Coral Springs, Florida, I specialize in helping college students who want to find effective ways to cope with their anxiety and improve their self-esteem. Call me at 954-391-5305 for your complimentary consultation today. I would be happy to help you on your journey!

It seems like overnight, every single person on the planet has had to adjust to a new way of living. People have lost loved ones, jobs, support systems, and overall, we cannot do the day to day things we were all accustomed to doing. For most of us, the sense of uncertainty can be overwhelming. For moms, specifically, the burden is uniquely felt. It’s hard being a mom right now... for so many reasons. As I have written about before, it seems that with motherhood, there is an unspoken expectation that mom-ing should look a certain way; global pandemic or not. All moms feel this pressure, and we are all impacted by it.  There is a notion that we “shouldn’t complain” and should do all the 45887665366 motherly duties with a smile and positive attitude. But let’s be honest... That’s NOT reality. And it’s certainly NOT the reality in a global pandemic. As a mother, and a therapist who specializes in maternal mental health, I have had numerous conversations with moms about their daily struggles and how they are coping. I can tell you from those countless conversations (and my own experience) that despite whatever your circumstance is with motherhood, THIS IS REALLY EFFIN HARD. Moms are burnt-out! Here are some of the top things I am hearing right now: It’s hard to keep coming up with creative ideas to entertain your kids and it’s hard to continue wanting to. Shifting between mom-mode and professional-mode is exhausting both physically and mentally. Being at home with kids all day long with no breaks is draining and emotionally taxing. The house work never ends, and it leads to irritability and frustration. Cabin fever makes you feel like the walls are closing in. You are impacted by societal norms telling you that you should feel grateful and not complain. Moms are expected to maintain all the responsibilities they had pre-pandemic while adjusting to a whole new existence (with less help and less resources). So what can we do about it? What are some coping skills that have been helping other moms? Here is a list I have compiled after talking to lots of moms in this pandemic: Reach out for social support: Talk to friends who get it. Make time for zoom dates, front yard dates, or if that’s not possible, calls and texts. Connect, connect, connect. This will protect your mental health, and will help you feel less alone and less isolated. We all need our experiences validated from time to time. Exercise: For so many women, this is a mental health choice. It is a cathartic release. Research supports the importance of exercise when it comes to our emotional health. Get outside, go for long walks, prioritize staying active in any way you can. Practice self–care: Make this a priority. This looks different for all moms. For some it can be an uninterrupted long bath, for some journaling, for some its time with friends, for others it’s a long bed-time regimen where they can take time to care for themselves: blow drying hair, applying a skin care routine, etc. Communicate with your partner: It is important that you voice to your partner that they may need to help you in more ways than they did before. Negotiating and adjusting to this new normal, may mean that household tasks and childcare tasks may need to look differently and be divided up differently. Speak to your partner about how they can help, and what you need from them. You can’t do it all, and you should not have to. Start your day with a positive practice: I can’t emphasize this enough. Starting your day with thoughts that orient you toward gratitude and positivity are crucial. Intentionally set the tone for the day and make it a positive one. One good way of doing this is creating a list of 5 things you are thankful for waking up that day. Give yourself grace: Your house isn’t going to operate the way it did before. ITS OK. Learn to be okay with things being a little more off kilter. Dishes may pile up, ‘Frozen’ may be on repeat. You have to do what it takes to give yourself time to recharge and as long as your child is safe, and knows they are protected and loved, I promise they will be okay. And remember, they deserve the healthiest YOU… And the healthiest you needs to take breaks, needs time for herself, and needs to remember that she matters. This is an extremely stressful and overwhelming time. We are all feeling that in different ways for different reasons. Despite it being a crazy time, I think we can all agree that there have been some pretty special moments sprinkled in. Those are the moments I hold on to, as I brace myself for the road ahead. To all you moms out there, I see you, I am with you, and I am here to tell you that it’s okay to feel the way you feel.  This is really F’n hard. Please reach out for help if you need it.  I am always here if you need extra support, and just a phone call away. We will all get through this together, one very long day at a time. For moms out there who need my help, I'm offering phone or video sessions through a secure platform, click here to schedule an appointment today. #wellness #anxiety #parenting #motherhood #newparents

We have exciting news!!! We’ve expanded our counseling and psychology group practice with a brand new, luxurious office space in Coral Springs. We officially opened for business on February 1, 2021. Click here for the press release. Dr. Kate Campbell (Founder of Bayview Therapy) started searching for an ideal property in Coral Springs mid 2020 (yes in a pandemic, yikes). We searched and searched for the perfect office space to better serve the Coral Springs, Parkland, Coconut Creek, and Boca Raton communities. We found our beautiful, large office space in the heart of Coral Springs on Wiles Road in the “Whispering Woods” office complex. Over the past 6 months, we poured our hearts and souls into building and designing a beautiful, serene office space that our team and clients absolutely LOVE. Our new Coral Springs office includes a large waiting room, 6 uniquely designed counseling rooms, and a conference room. Each room was intentionally designed with a calming, yet inspiring vibe to create a special space where people can feel more relaxed and comfortable when seeking therapy and counseling. Our spa-like design provides the perfect space for healing and restoration of the mind, body, and spirit. Our team of caring and dedicated clinicians are thrilled to better serve the west side of Broward County with our new office. We're getting amazing feedback from everyone who sets foot in our space. We are grateful to have such a beautiful office to do what we love... making a difference in our community! We're happy to help you or your loved ones so give us a call (954.391.5305) to see how Bayview Therapy, Coral Springs, can help you reach your goals. Visit our website for more info about our team and services www.BayviewTherapy.com. Click here for the press release.

Questions I receive frequently are often “how do I build a better relationship with my partner,” “how do I stand up for myself to others (significant other, family, etc.),” “how can I communicate better with my co-workers and boss,” “how do I care less about what other people think?” Typically, my initial response is to ask: how is your relationship with yourself? Oftentimes when attending counseling, it is the first time you have dedicated time to yourself all day, all week or longer then you can remember or care to admit. We are creatures who aim to please. When asked, “when was the last time you did something for someone else?” the answer is almost always within the same day. However, when asked, “when was the last time you did something for YOU?” the answer oftentimes is, “I don’t even really know.” A few great questions to ask yourself are: Do I have a relationship with myself? What is my relationship with myself like? Do I like the way I treat and talk to myself? Do I understand what my needs and wants are? Do I take the time out of my schedule to meet my own wants and needs? Can I comfort/soothe myself when I’m upset or do I look to others? Do I trust my intuition and opinions, or do I find myself struggling to make decisions? Do I know what I do and don’t like? Do I know what sets me off? (what triggers me?) Can I be okay, even if others do not approve or are not happy with me? And lastly: do I betray my own needs? By this I mean: I set goals and intentions for myself and despite wanting to change, find that the mental resistance is just too strong. I find myself making every excuse in the book, and just put it off for another time. When we do this, we begin to wire our brains that we are not reliable. Despite our amazing abilities to show up for others and validate their needs, we are teaching ourselves that we are not to be trusted. When I have a need, it is unlikely to be fulfilled. I have trained myself I will not be able to and so “why try?” It’s not that we aren’t reliable- sometimes we’re very reliable people. I know exactly how to soothe my partner and how to make my friends laugh. But at the end of the day when I am alone, I’m unsure what to do and unsure how to soothe myself or make myself laugh. Why is it that we lose touch with ourselves and struggle so deeply to spark the relationship with self? Our relationship with self is the foundation, the basis for every relationship we ever have. Our relationship with ourselves is the longest relationship we will ever have. When I have a secure and positive relationship with myself, I allow myself to be free of the pressures of my relationships with others. When I enter into environments and am able to be fully present, grounded, secure and aware, I find that I can make decisions with ease and clarity, trusting that I am making the right choice or that I will be “okay” even if the outcome isn’t what I had hoped for. I no longer have to seek outside validation or ask for advice, but rather, I trust that the correct answers are within me- and always have been. TIP 1: Acknowledgement and Forgiveness To begin to form a better relationship with yourself, it is important to acknowledge the relationship you had with yourself. Forgiveness is key in moving forward with anything- and especially when strengthening your relationship with YOU. Remember, showing up imperfectly is better than not showing up at all. Acknowledge that doing something different is challenging. If you feel frustrated with yourself begin to ask, “what is this bringing up for me? What is my fear telling me right now? Is it true?” * Optional Practice Exercise: Read silently, read aloud or write out these phrases: (add what feels true to you too!) Change won’t always feel good- but it is a powerful teacher. I forgive myself for selling myself short. I forgive myself for the shame and guilt I carry. I forgive myself for putting my wellbeing and happiness in the hands of others. I forgive myself like I have graciously forgiven others. I forgive myself for looking for answers and validation from others. I will continue to do this work even when I fall short- I will forgive myself again. What you didn’t have then, you have now. I see you, I am here for you now. I am glad you have found your way. What are some ways you can forgive yourself and acknowledge how far you have come? TIP 2: Beginning the Work As with beginning anything new- you can expect to encounter challenges. Think: driving for the first time, playing a sport for the first time or even your first day of work at a new job. At one point, we had no idea what we were doing- but we gave ourselves a chance and learned. Grant yourself this chance and begin the work. What can I do? How do I start the work? Here are a few places to start. Observe the resistance with loving-kindness: Meet your inner critic with loving kindness. Approach them with curiosity. Allow yourself to simply co-exist with the resistance. Mantra: “I am not defined by my resistance.” Breathe: Never underestimate the power of breath. Try squared breathing. Set a timer on your phone for 30 seconds. Grant yourself 30 seconds. While sitting, breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, taking the breath into your stomach + watching your belly rise. Hold this breath for a count of 4. Release your breath through your mouth with a deep exhale for a count of 4. Repeat for 30 seconds or for 3-4 cycles. Feel the difference in your grounding and return to present moment. Reality testing: Is what is happening a story I’m telling myself or is it really happening? What has my conditioning led me to believe is happening that may not be fully true? Exercise: Release endorphins! Get up + moving. Allow what has been building up within you to release. Self-care: This looks different for everyone. Some ideas? Take a bath/shower, read a book, go for a walk. Journal: Think of it as ripping a page out of your book and starting fresh the next day. Unload the weight of the day onto your page. Become more aware of your habits. Write one thing you are grateful for at the end of each page. And most of all: PATIENCE. We will run into challenges, we will fail. But most importantly, we will learn and we will grow. Without discomfort, there is no growth. Trust yourself and trust the process. If you are looking for one-on-one support, I offer FREE 15-minute consultation calls where we can discuss if you are a good fit, as well as how to get started! Feel free to call me at 954.391.5305.

Sim, estou falando com você, o homem da relação. Você está se perguntando sobre o que aconteceu com aquela paixão e conexão que você costumava ter com sua parceira? Você sabia quais eram os pensamentos dela no início da relação, existia uma grande afinidade entre vocês e vocês se divertiam muito juntos. Ultimamente, você não entende por que ela está tão irritada e mais reservada. Tudo que você fala parece estar errado, então você tenta se afastar e conversa o mínimo possível para evitar discussões. Vocês não têm contato íntimo há algum tempo e, quando têm, é algo mecânico e desconfortável. A nova rotina é solitária e insatisfatória. Você passa metade do seu tempo se perguntando se ela tem outra pessoa em sua vida e a outra metade se perguntando se você deveria permanecer nesse relacionamento. Você não está sozinho! Muitos casais têm uma conexão muito boa no início e acham que não precisam fazer mais esforço para manter o frescor do início do relacionamento. A comunicação é parte essencial para manter o vínculo entre o casal. Infelizmente, fatores externos, mal entendidos, ressentimentos e expectativas não atendidas podem criar uma distância tão grande entre o casal que, com o passar do tempo, cada um se sente tão sozinho que parece estar solteiro. E se você pudesse virar esse jogo para ter a sua parceira de volta? Ela voltaria a te ver com olhos de admiração, rir das suas piadas, a fazer pequenas coisas para você e te abraçar à noite. Vocês estariam na mesma página e recuperariam o senso de pertencimento, como aquela coisa que ela fazia no passado para você, que te fazia se sentir especial. Você tem muito mais controle do seu relacionamento do que pensa Você pode achar que é inútil tentar mudar a relação sozinho. Pode ser que no início não seja fácil, mas se você começar a mudar de atitude, você pode mudar o relacionamento para melhor. Algumas dicas podem parecer intuitivas, mas é por esta razão que é fundamental tê-las em mente. Comunicação é tudo Não importa se houve um mal entendido ou uma grave ofensa cometida por um de vocês, nada é melhor que uma boa conversa. Ir dormir sem conversar, sem oferecer uma solução para o problema, ou criar um padrão de guardar sentimentos, vai aumentar o nível de ressentimento em sua parceira e tornar o problema maior. “Stonewalling”, um termo utilizado pelo Gottman Institute, é definido como o afastamento do parceiro quando confrontado por críticas. Essa é uma das principais causas para divórcios. Estudos mostram que em 85% dos casos, os homens são os primeiros a ter esse comportamento, de se afastar, de se fechar. Ao invés deste comportamento, é importante abordar o assunto, (o mais rápido possível) ouvindo e apresentando sua posição com honestidade e respeito. Reserve um tempo para recuperar a calma Se você é daquelas pessoas que precisa resolver tudo às pressas, pode ser que você seja interpretado como uma pessoa intensa e intimidadora. Quanto mais a sua parceira reclama ou se opõe ao seu ponto de vista, mais você sente que precisa ganhar a discussão. Você acaba falando coisas que não queria e faz com que ela concorde com você, mesmo que isso não seja o que ela realmente pense. Quanto tempo será que sua parceira fingira concordar com você antes de se cansar e desistir de expor seu próprio ponto de vista? Se você perceber que está ficando frustrado ou com raiva, dar uma volta no quarteirão pode ser uma boa solução. Depois de respirar e a raiva passar, pensar em como resolver o problema, vai te devolver a paz. Assuma a responsabilidade e reflita sobre si mesmo Um sincero pedido de desculpas e assumir responsabilidade sobre sua parcela de culpa na discussão pode ajudar muito. Não estou falando para você pedir desculpas para tudo. É preciso duas pessoas para causar uma discussão. Você pode se desculpar pela forma com que ela se sente, mesmo que você não teve a intenção de machucá-la. Você pode mostrar que entende o lado dela, mudando o seu comportamento. Tente ver o problema pela perspectiva da sua parceira. Coloque-se no lugar dela e pense em como você se sentiria se estivesse no lugar dela. Fazer um levantamento sobre si mesmo, seus pensamentos e comportamentos, pode ajudar a garantir que você aja de acordo com valores que são genuínos para você. Demonstre seus sentimentos Poucas pessoas se sentem confortáveis demonstrando vulnerabilidade. E se o seu parceiro usar isso para te machucar ainda mais? Nós temos a tendência de proteger nosso ego demonstrando força e controle. A questão é, quando nós não permitimos que o nosso parceiro conheça nossas emoções, nós perdemos a chance de o parceiro estar lá por nós e destruímos qualquer oportunidade para uma conexão mais profunda. Quando você se transforma em uma pessoa forte o suficiente para se abrir, isso dá ao seu parceiro a segurança de dividir emoções mais profundas. O resultado é uma maior conexão e felicidade. Evite colocar a culpa no outro Temos que parar de olhar para os nossos desentendimentos como “é culpa dela”. Esse tipo de pensamento é como aquela velha discussão sobre o que veio primeiro, o ovo ou galinha. Relacionamentos não são sobre o bom ou ruim, deveria ou não deveria. O fato é que ninguém é perfeito. Todos nós temos atitudes que irritam o nosso parceiro. Por exemplo, quanto mais intimidade você demanda de sua parceira, mais ela vai se sentir pressionada e vai evitar a aproximação. Quanto mais ela evitar o contato, mais você reclama ou a insulta por não querer intimidade com você. A melhor maneira de evitar o ciclo de culpa, é tentar ver as coisas sob uma perspectiva mais ampla e mudar o padrão do comportamento negativo, começando por você mesmo. Crie momentos positivos juntos Quando você chega ao ponto em que as lembranças de vocês dois juntos são na maioria negativas, é essencial começar a construir momentos positivos para ajudar a balancear a relação. Faça um acordo com sua parceira, planeje um jantar a dois, mas não fale sobre problemas. Faça algo que os dois gostem. Fale sobre algo que aconteceu quando vocês se encontraram pela primeira vez. Diga a ela uma coisa que você admira nela ou algo que você ama sobre ela e peça que ela retribua. Faça um exercício: adicione algo divertido todas as vezes que estiverem juntos, surpreenda um ao outro com um gesto de carinho. Você vai ver. Ela vai ficar orgulhosa ao perceber que você está trabalhando pelo sucesso do relacionamento. Esteja ciente de quando vocês precisam de ajuda profissional De acordo com o Gottman Institute, apenas 19% dos casais buscam ajuda de um terapeuta. Essa estatística pode estar relacionada ao grande número de divórcios nos dias de hoje. Considere essa informação quando você estiver se perguntando se deve contratar um profissional para ajudar a melhorar o seu relacionamento. Você também pode buscar aconselhamento individual se você quiser entender melhor a relação do casal. Por que você deveria procurar ajuda individual aliada à terapia de casal? Porque um relacionamento saudável está diretamente relacionado ao seu desenvolvimento pessoal. Desde 2014, tenho tido sucesso em meu trabalho de terapia em sessões individuais com homens para melhorar seus relacionamentos. Esse trabalho geralmente ocorre antes de as sessões de casais serem solicitadas ou simultaneamente com a terapia de casal. A terapia individual permite que vocês mergulhem mais fundamente nas questões pessoais e enfrentem seus sentimentos sem a pressão do parceiro na consulta. Isso valida sua visão da situação e os ajuda a fazer um inventário de si mesmos. Vocês entendem melhor o que querem e como alcançar esses objetivos. Meu trabalho é ajudá-los a melhorar sua habilidade de comunicação para garantir um caminho mais à frente. Se você busca resgatar seu relacionamento, se busca paz na relação com sua parceira, ligue hoje mesmo para 954.391.5305. Estou pronta para ajudar!

There was a time in our history where fear didn’t just serve a purpose, it was absolutely critical. Our primitive past as a species when the priority of each and every day was survival itself. A snap of a twig in the distance would set our senses ablaze! Our ears would tune in to every sound, our eyes would focus in like a laser beam. Our systems would be flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, and our bodies would prepare for the fight of their lives. Or perhaps the prospect of a long frigid winter without food would propel our family from carefully crafted shelters out into uncertainty to follow a herd of migrating animals across an entire continent. Our bodies did a phenomenal job of protecting us and ensuring our existence as a species. Well, we have come a long way, haven’t we? Safe and sound in our impenetrable pile of bricks. Huge buildings stocked from floor to ceiling with thirty-six different options for breakfast cereal. So, what has become of our fear? Oh, it’s still there alright, and it seems to be lurking around every corner! It doesn’t quite serve the purpose that it used to though. Now instead of a panther slinking behind us through the forest, it’s the traffic jam on I95. Now instead of a cold winter without sustenance, it’s tax season. It’s oil changes and road rage and homeowner’s insurance. It’s report cards and performance evaluations artificial sweeteners. The problem is that our bodies don’t seem to know the difference. Instead of the periodic, momentary spike of stress hormones to survive an imminent attack, or a healthy dose of proportional anxiety to spring us into action, we are under a seemingly endless onslaught of biological reactions to a world that feels to have spun out of control. Anxiety has become one of the most prevalent mental health struggles of our time. It may look a bit different than our primitive ancestors experienced it, but it feels quite similar… and it’s exhausting. From a gurgling belly to a tension headache. A rapid heart rate to difficulty breathing. Our bodies can often feel like they are being crushed by what seems to be a constant tidal wave of fear and doom. And then slowly but surely, our stressors exceed our coping mechanisms and we have been outmatched. So, what does the modern Homosapien do in a brand-new world full of unavoidable threats? We dig into our toolboxes to find something that will preserve and aid us. For our ancestors it may have been an ax, or a slingshot, for humans 2.0 it's our highly developed intellects, and awareness. Though anxiety may be one of the most common behavioral health afflictions, it is also one of the most treatable. For some, medication can be very helpful and there is absolutely no shame in that game. Just as new stressors continue to develop so do the methods used to address them. Chronic stress can change brain chemistry and even structure over time and therefore treatment on a chemical level may be fully appropriate and even necessary. We would be remiss though, to ignore the everyday things we can do to gain mastery over our contemporary landscape of anxiety minefields. Here are a few that I use on a daily basis when I hear my own proverbial twig snap in the woods: Knowledge is power! Having awareness of what is happening in my body when I am experiencing anxiety puts me in the driver’s seat. Knowing that my shallow breathing or thumping heart are normal and purposeful reactions to a perceived threat reminds me that my body is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Then, I remind myself that feelings are not facts, and just because I am feeling as though I am in danger does not in fact mean that I actually am. I reassess the situation and challenge my perception that doom is imminent. Just breathe... Now that I know what is going on in my body, I can dig further into my toolbox to gather the resources necessary to address my physical reaction to fear. I am a HUGE fan of breathing apps like Breathly which offer visual cues right on your cell phone to aid in anxiety-reducing therapeutic breathing. I know deep breathing can sound cliché, but it is so widely recommended because it is pure magic in reducing heart rate and generally regulating your entire nervous system. Hey, even our cavemen ancestors did it! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... When I find myself really zoning out or what we in the biz call “depersonalization” or “derealization” I will use an exercise called the 5-4-3-2-1 technique or “sensing in.” This is where you take a moment to notice five things you can see around you, four things you can touch or feel near you, three things you hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Like grabbing the string to a balloon as it starts to ascend out of control into the atmosphere, this technique brings you back into your body and down to earth. It is incredibly grounding and stabilizing. You can see some very helpful videos and examples of this exercise here. Get Moving! Physical exertion is another great way to burn off some of that fight or flight energy. When the system floods with stress hormones sometimes giving the body the workout it is expecting can be a great outlet. This doesn’t have to be a full-on boxing match, but a hearty walk around the block or even just standing up and doing some jumping jacks can be good medicine. Hey, there’s a reason the fidget spinner was one of the most popular toys of the decade… that nervous energy needs somewhere to go! Plus, there’s the added bonus that exercise produces the very opposite of stress chemicals, happy hormones called endorphins which combat anxiety and provide a sense of overall well being. Self-Reflection... Sometimes I need to give myself a good old-fashioned talking to as well. I assess, analyze and compartmentalize. My favorite conversation with myself goes something like this: “If that pit in your stomach could talk right now, what would it be saying? What are you truly worried about? Alright, let's break that down into what you can control and what you can’t? If there is something there that I can control, have I taken all the steps I can to do so? No? Ok, let’s make a list or plan to do those things. Alright now what’s left? Now what is the purpose of worrying over things that are beyond my control? Let it go... Worrying will not avoid them or solve them. In fact, worrying will make me more poorly equipped to cope with them if they do come to pass. And, I have come to know that the vast majority of things I worry about never come to fruition anyway. Let it go girl!” It isn’t a panacea for all anxiety, but it does help me use my nervousness to act on the things I do have power over and release the things I do not. And finally, distraction. Pour all of that frantic attention into something else. Give yourself a brain break! Shift focus and allow yourself to get lost in the mundane for a bit. I usually find that watching one of my favorite shows, reading a good juicy book, or even calling a friend and just hearing about their struggles for a while can really knock that anxiety off of its throne. Whether you are standing at the threshold of your cave battling off a saber tooth tiger, or an advertising exec with a rapidly encroaching deadline, remember that anxiety is an amazing tool that your body has developed to get you where you are today. It is not your enemy. It is now our job to get to know it better and dance with it so that it works to serve you and not cripple you. Because at the end of the day there is only one thing to fear… fear itself. To talk more about the role anxiety plays in your life and gain mastery over your own emotional system, call me today at (954) 391-5305 to set up a free consultation!

Some things even viruses don’t stop – for example, affairs. As a marriage and family therapist working with couples in crisis, I see a fair percentage of clients who come to therapy because one of the partners has had an affair. The Gottman Institute reports 10-15% of women and 15-43% of men have been unfaithful, and while COVID-19 certainly complicated social engagement around the world, adultery survived. Understanding the Trauma of Betrayal Trying to reconcile feelings for a mate who has done the unsayable often leaves the betrayed partner frozen in a pattern of shock, disbelief, and fury. Betrayed clients nearly always report severe distress, as they cycle through piercing feelings of anguish, hurt, disgust, confusion, and the like. Experts on the topic of affairs compare the betrayed partner’s experience to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , replete with flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, trouble regulating emotion, sadness, and diminished joy in daily activities including work and parenting. For real healing to begin, both the betrayer and betrayed need to understand how the trauma of the affair has affected the betrayed, and how reactivity may be triggered in often unpredictable ways until trust is firmly re-established. This requires time, patience, and a delicate balance of openness and safety. Working with a counselor trained not only in relationships but also in trauma may prove beneficial. While the couple remains the focus of the therapist’s attention, individual sessions are often provided to assist the client work through the difficult symptoms, and to show the partner how to respond effectively, not defensively. Good therapy carefully paces what details of the affair are disclosed, and how, to avoid re-traumatization of injured clients, while ensuring they receive sufficient information to assess the facts, in an effort to restore trust. To help clients cope, I often integrate therapeutic journaling (what I refer to as “ mindfulness with a pen ”) -- a demonstrated way to help clients clarify thoughts, reduce stress, and create new narratives as they pick up the pieces of shattered trust. The journal never tires of hearing the story and also never says “enough.” It can also aid a therapist working with the couple, detailing progress and setbacks between sessions. Phase 1: Atonement. As a therapist trained in Levels I and II of the Gottman Method, I lead couples through three important phases of recovery from an affair: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. The first phase of recovery, Atonement, asks the betrayer to atone for the breaches of trust. It begins with a commitment that the betraying partner has cut off all contact with the affair partner, and a negotiated agreement as to how the couple wants to handle any attempts at communication by the affair partner from whom the betrayed has separated. In individual sessions with each partner, we outline what they perceive is needed to repair the betrayal wound. I discuss transparency and the efforts taken so far to expose the factual background of the affair. I encourage the parties to read Shirley Glass’s NOT Just friends: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity , or otherwise discuss her guidance for safe, but not unbounded disclosure. I provide other books or articles of interest, as this often has a normalizing and soothing effect on the betrayed. Although nobody can say precisely how long, or exactly what it takes for trust to be revived after an affair, Glass found in her own clinical sample that couples who stayed in therapy more than 10 sessions had a much better chance of staying together than couples who terminated earlier. Disclosure and Fair Fighting Research suggests couples wait far too long to seek help from a relationship specialist, and that many people think talking about the affair will only make matters worse. But as Glass notes, “ Trying to recover without discussing the betrayal is like waxing a dirty floor .” Disclosure of the affair during Atonement usually involves sharing data and access to phones, computers, applications, social media, credit card purchases, and other methods of external proof needed to soothe the suspicions of the betrayed. I have some partners who search meticulously for every cue of indiscretion since their relationship began, while others drop the investigation much sooner, finding it robs them of too much energy or dysregulates them in ways they prefer not to experience. Each couple is unique and can establish what works for them. However, my sobering advice to the betraying partner is “ Come clean, when asked ” as transparency seems to work. According to research by Dr. John Gottman, when the betrayer agreed to answer questions and opened up to disclosure, the couple stayed together 86% of the time. Therapists working with couples need to be comfortable tracking and monitoring, but not stifling, the betrayed partner’s need-to-know, while also guiding the parties to fight fairly and avoid the understandable desire to attack or punish the betrayer. The therapist must be careful not to overlook the needs of the betraying partner, who is often flustered and frustrated, impatient to move on but unable to do so without a willing partner. Like it or not, even cheaters suffer as they face the music, oftentimes without the support of family and friends siding with the betrayed. I sometimes say that “ Even the dog in the doghouse has rights ,” encouraging betrayed spouses to avoid explosions of emotion, saving the most difficult or contentious disclosures for the therapy session. Otherwise, I hear lamentable stories about late-night arguments leaving both parties exhausted for the kids and work the next day. This makes both parties more vulnerable to flooding and over-reacting to daily stressors. At this critical juncture, trained professionals can help the couple sort through the pain and emotional chaos with helpful communication tools and tips. Personally, I start with simple worksheets that I call the “classics.” In my experience, couples that integrate skills are better able to foster re-connection. The aim is to have each person accept the influence of and be soothed by their partner, instead of turning away from the relationship at this acute stage. Phase 2: Attunement In the Attunement phase, the couple addresses whether and how they can “be there” for each other. They begin to rebuild trust, piece by piece. The process of attunement includes: A – Awareness of your partner’s negative emotion T – Turning toward the partner T – Tolerance U – Understanding N – Non-defensive responding E – Empathy At this stage, the betraying partner is encouraged to maintain a steady stream of honest disclosure. They must also avoid backsliding into secrecy or contact with the affair partner. I remind clients that no matter their progress to date, earnest apologies and repair attempts still need reinforcement. I ask them to set aside concerns that no matter what they do, the betrayed will discount the effort. “ Buy the flowers anyway ,” I say, but be mindful. Taking your partner to celebrate somewhere you took the affair partner may backfire and attempts to re-establish contact with the affair partner (or someone new) are a recipe for ejection from the home and relationship, permanently. To foster attunement, we utilize Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Model, where renovations are in order to rebuild friendship, fondness and admiration, connection (turning towards each other), positivity, conflict management, dream-making and shared meaning in life. While deficiencies in the pre-affair relationship are important to address at this stage of therapy, they do not vindicate cheating nor justify blaming the betrayed partner. Instead, attunement aims to rebuild friendship and transform negative events of the past into opportunities for connection. In What makes love last: How to build trust and avoid betrayal, Gottman and his co-author Nan Silver recommend the couple “go public,” sharing their renewed commitment with safe, close allies who may support the couple’s recovery efforts. For couples who choose not to share the rupture, I invite them to revisit rituals that first brought them together, be it nature walks, the beach, or grilling outdoors. The key here is for the couple to solidify their bond and present as a unified whole again. Phase 3: Attach Risking physical intimacy after an affair can be quite vulnerable, but without sexual intimacy, the couple’s Sound Relationship House may remain vacant. If the couple’s sex life has screeched to a halt, we begin re-exploring their needs and desires and openly negotiating boundaries and preferences, while taking cues from the injured partner on timing. A steady dose of intimate conversations is often a good first step to rekindle the couple’s passion, but each circumstance differs. A healthy dose of patience cannot be underestimated, particularly where the affair was lengthy or involved multiple partners over many years. Like recovery from an accident, surgery, or a pandemic, recovery from an affair can take time and require diligence, patience, and protective measures. The process also benefits from the input of trained professionals, preferably a relationship specialist also trained in trauma. I integrate my training in Trauma Incidence Reduction, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and Journaling to provide comprehensive service for my clients. Many couples wait too long to mend their wounds, when early intervention can make a difference in the outcome of your future. I invite you not to wait. If you and your partner need help to navigate from betrayal to new beginnings, I provide free 15-minute consultations, in both Spanish and English, and welcome the opportunity to answer your questions and be of service. You can reach me at 954.391.5305 or to learn more about my approach, visit my bio .

Have you recently noticed things about your partner that you didn’t before?  Is he or she constantly leaving dishes in the sink or chewing his or her food too loudly? Perhaps you've noticed that certain parenting skills are not a core strength and that home schooling with the kids is shining a light on how little patience your partner has? If you're noticing details about your partner that are bothering you, you're in good company! Many couples are reporting that they're seeing things in their partners that they find agitating. During the corona virus crisis, couples are spending the majority of their day together. This means having to navigate the relationship differently than usual; this includes working, living, parenting and everything in between. I like to think that this is a great opportunity to hash out grievances that may have been avoided or put on the back burner. “Anxiety is rampant and people are potentially taking out their anxiety on each other”, says Julie Schwartz Gottman, who co-founded the marital counseling Gottman Institute in addition to writing many best sellers with husband John Gottman. Gottman adds “relationships that are a bit unsteady, uncomfortable and have some tension don’t always have ways of dealing with stress together and can spiral downwards”. Reports of stress due to the children being away from school, financial hardship, differences of opinion regarding what constitutes social distancing and fear of illness can push some couples over the brink. Below are some tips that can prove helpful when struggling during this very unprecedented time. Avoid criticism- Now is NOT the time to be pointing out every mistake you see from your partner. Rather than pointing out mistakes, tune in to what your partner IS doing well and make it a point to express appreciation for it, even if it’s for the simple things like taking out the garbage, making a yummy lunch, or making the coffee. Some couples specialists recommend telling your partner 3 things that you appreciate/admire about them before going to bed. This interaction aides in keeping our emotional bank accounts full. Let them have their feelings about COVID-19- Some spouses are not going to see eye-to-eye about how bad things are going to get and it doesn’t mean that anyone is wrong. Instead of dismissing how your partner feels, be curious and try to understand the way your partner sees things and why. Remember to use empathy and validation when communicating with your partner. Say things such as “it sounds like you’re really upset” or “I can understand as to why you might feels that way”. Do your best to tune into your partner’s inner world as they speak of their feelings and do your best to repeat or reflect it back to them. This shows that you are present with them in the moment and that you are working towards understanding their position on things. State your true needs- We all need to remember that our partners are not mind readers. Therefore we need to avoid assuming that they know what we need, regardless of how long you’ve been together. It’s productive when people state needs and to be specific about it. Instead of saying “I need you to help me with the kids more” say “I would really appreciate it if you can check our son’s homework every other night around 7 pm”. Instead of saying “we need a better sex life” say “I’d love it if we can have sex at least 2 times this week”. We all need to be clear on what we want or need, as we cannot expect our partner to guess and get it right at all time. I hope this adds some insight into making some of your interactions better with your partner. Remember, it’s ok to get it wrong as long as you can recognize it, take responsibility, and work to make it better for next time. For more help with your relationship visit Jackie Schwartz, LMFT's bio. If you're ready to invest in your relationship, contact our office today. We are offering sessions in office at our Fort Lauderdale location as well as phone and video sessions through a secure platform. #stress #relationships #couplestherapy

Earlier in 2020 I wrote in a blog post about my goals for the year on wanting to be healthier, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I talked about my new and improved fitness routine and how I was striving for overall “wellness” in my life. I talked about how good I felt! Then the coronavirus happened. Suddenly my everyday life changed. I wasn't going to my fitness classes. Trips cancelled. Vacations cancelled. My best friend’s wedding was even cancelled! I am a pretty social person, so not being able to go out and socialize with people was also challenging. I wasn’t even going to the office. Not seeing my clients face to face for months on end was really difficult. Who knew talking to a computer screen would be so draining!? It can be an extremely discouraging feeling to work hard on getting your daily routine to a healthy, stable place only to have it ripped right out from under you. It took me a long time to develop a work, life, wellness balance that worked for me. Not being able to continue this routine threw me for a real loop, as I am sure it did many of you. I lost energy and experienced a decrease in happiness and fulfillment that this routine had brought me. I lost motivation. I started to sleep in more, skip workouts, and watch entirely too much TV. I just felt lazy but I couldn't find that familiar drive to get moving and make a change. Don’t get me wrong, a little laziness every now and then is perfectly fine, but this feeling was actually draining. I felt a total loss of my energy and even happiness. With my job as a therapist, I am often inspired by my clients’ ability to overcome challenges, persevere, and grow on a regular basis. I am lucky enough to be able to support and guide them in these journeys. I think this was my saving grace. Virtually supporting others during the pandemic inspired me to begin my own journey, one focused on overcoming my motivation struggles and hardships that the pandemic brought me. What Helped? Not one thing will work for everyone, but I put together some of the most helpful tips that worked for me. Implementing them into my life and mindset is helping me boost my motivation and start getting back to normal! Take Baby Steps: Pushing myself too hard to create a new routine and revamp my entire lifestyle was too overwhelming, it made me feel even more unmotivated and discouraged. Instead, I found taking small, baby steps to get motivated was the most helpful. Going for a 15 minute walk, waking up 30 minutes earlier, and eating meals at regular times. It all sounds small, but that's the point. It's DOABLE. Small, manageable changes help us achieve our goals and make a larger, long lasting change. Slow and steady wins the race! Talk To Others: Talking is probably my favorite thing to do, most of the time I can't stop.  Naturally, talking helped me. By creating time to talk with my friends and family, even if it was virtually, made things so much better. Hearing their own struggles and connecting with someone on a personal level who is going through the same thing was so validating. It reminded me, I am not alone. EVERYONE is going through this. It was easy to be able to support my clients during their battles associated with COVID-19, but hearing this myself from people I love and trust was just refreshing. I recommend consistent communication with your support system, whether it’s family, friends, colleagues, a therapist. Just communicate and stay connected! Be Kind To Yourself: Take a little pressure off yourself and lower your expectations. These truly are unprecedented times and there is no “right way” to navigate it. I spent a lot of my slow days being lazy, and essentially feeling guilty for wasting a lot of the “free time” I had. I was feeling bad for not doing anything productive with this time. What I didn’t realize is that this is perfectly fine. Something that helped me immensely was telling myself “that’s okay”. On the days I don’t feel like exercising, I let myself know “that's okay”. On the days I sleep in, I allow myself, because it’s okay! There is always tomorrow. We are lucky to be able to say that, so be kind to yourself. Listen to your mind, body, and needs. Self-Help: I love the idea of incorporating a new skill or hobby into your routine. I have recommended plenty of self-help techniques for my clients throughout the quarantine to keep their mind stimulated and encourage a priority of self-care. Journaling, reading, and/or meditating. The list goes on and on. This hobby, skill, or interest does not have to be complex… it's very simple actually. It's anything that helps you. My favorite self-help activity during the quarantine was listening to music. If you didn't know this about me, I love music so much. In fact, I am pretty convinced music can save lives. I listen to music every single day while I am doing just about everything (cooking, cleaning, showering, running, or writing). It stimulates me and brings me joy and energy which I need a lot of during quarantine . What self-help interest can you incorporate into your life? What do you need most right now? Help Is Available Today! Remember, no one's struggles and experience is exactly the same, but there is help to support you through these challenging times, help in finding what works for you, and help to get you re-motivated. If you are interested in finding support during these challenging times, I am offering in-person, phone, and video sessions through a secure platform. To schedule, an appointment call my office at 954-391-5305. We will get through these challenging times together!

Are you feeling overwhelmed and like you don’t have control over your emotions? Are you feeling lonely and disconnected from others and/or yourself? These are common reactions for individuals experiencing significant changes or stressors, such as the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether these feelings are new or have been an ongoing issue for you, you are not alone and you have a right to those feelings. There are various techniques we can implement to begin working through some of these uncomfortable emotions. Keep reading to learn about strategies that may be helpful in managing your mental health during this pandemic. Acknowledge and Validate How You Are Feeling It is very common and easy to become judgmental of how we are feeling or responding to certain circumstances. We start to place expectations on how we “should” be feeling or what we “should” be doing. Have you ever tried to push away a certain feeling so hard but it continues to reappear, only now with a vengeance? In a time like this, it is important to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel any emotion that comes up for you. Once we allow ourselves to feel the emotion, that emotion loses its power and we are better able to work through it. Take Care of Your Physical Body Taking care of your body can have a huge impact on your mental health. Whether it’s getting active and/or eating a well-balanced meal, you can influence how your brain is functioning and responding. There are many types of physical self-care. One form is to get active whether that is going for a walk, doing an at-home workout, or stretching. It’s an added bonus if you are able to complete this movement outside and absorb some Vitamin D. Another form can be filling your body with nutritious and well-balanced meals. These activities can help release some natural endorphins (I like to call this, the “good feeling” hormone). Connect with Supportive Family or Friends Social isolation has increased significantly for many individuals during this pandemic. As a result, there are a lot of emotions that can arise such as loneliness, depression, anxiety, and irritability. It is extremely important to reach out to supportive family or friends, even if it is over a phone call or video chat. Engaging in these social interactions have an impact on the wiring of your brain and has been proven to release the “love hormone”, Oxytocin. Reach out to a friend. Check in on them. Talk about your new favorite TV show or the tasty dinner you made last night. Reach Out for Professional Help If you continue to experience these difficult emotions, it may be time to reach out to a therapist. This is a challenging time for many and if there is one takeaway from this article, it is that you do not have to go through this alone. If you are looking to take the next step in your healing process and are wanting to sort out and work through these emotions, please give me a call at 954.391.5305 for a free 15-minute consultation call.

We’ve all experienced so many dramatic changes these past few months during the COVID-19 pandemic.  For many of us, the structure and routine we relied upon to keep us sane, happy, and healthy has notably shifted.  For instance, the pandemic has taken many of our hobbies, such as going to the gym or the beach, as well as spending time with a group of our friends (in person). It’s understandable, then, that many of us have been experiencing such emotions as loss, sadness, anxiety, denial, fear, and panic. In times like these, our brains try to help us by assuring us that everything is normal.  The reality is, things are different, and it takes several skills and consistent effort to face that reality and properly adjust to this change. One of the most effective therapeutic orientations, known as dialectical-behavior therapy (DBT), gives us some great tools to help with this current time.  One such tool is radical acceptance. Radical Acceptance This tool refers to embracing something entirely.  In their Book, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, McKay, Wood, and Brantley write, “Radically accepting the present moment, for instance, means that you don’t fight it, get angry at it, or try to change it into something it’s not.  To radically accept the present moment means that you must acknowledge that it is due to a long chain of events and decisions made by you and other people in the past.  The present moment never spontaneously leaps into existence without being caused by events that have already taken place.  Imagine that each moment of your life is connected like a line of dominoes that knock each other down” (p. 51). Moreover, the normal human tendency to judge and criticize ourselves and our experience, blame others, and become rageful, as is common for us to do under extreme change circumstances like these, often leads to greater suffering.  The fact is that when you focus your attention and energy on these emotions, thoughts, and experiences, you lose sight of the reality that the change has already occurred, and its best to figure out optimal ways to cope with it. So, when you radically accept the current moment, this presents you with an opportunity to let go of unproductive thoughts, emotions, and experiences, notice the part you played in creating it.  Then, you can then see where you can adapt to the situation in novel ways to foster increased happiness, control, confidence, and hope. I can help you better understand and practice using radical acceptance to make this change process much easier for you through a telehealth session through a HIPAA compliant video or phone session.  Give me a call and we'll discuss how I can help.  Jordan Zipkin, LMFT, at 954.391.5305. #anxiety #DBT #wellness