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Have you ever been in a foul mood or a negative state of mind and had someone tell you to simply “change your perspective.” Rarely, if ever, while you’re drowning in that negative tunnel do you stop to take heed of such advice. However, think twice, as we really should… changing our perspective and practicing positive self-talk can drastically increase our moods and elevate happiness. Here's why you need to incorporate positive self-talk today. Our thoughts affect and dictate our actions. So theoretically if we were to change what goes on between our ears and re-wire our thoughts to a more positive point of view our actions, behaviors, and daily routines would change for the better. Practicing and adopting positive self-talk can help us set in motion events that will present us with greater rewards. Curiously enough we spend a lot of time immersed in our own thoughts. But some of these thoughts can be far more destructive than others. We tend to remember insults and painful exchanges much more than compliments received and praises given. In practicing positive self-talk we must first challenge that internal negative chatter and work towards erasing any insulting or scaring messages. It’s easier said than done. Making efforts to cultivate more positive self-talk takes work and in recognizing that, you’re already showing signs that you’re well on your way to peace of mind. Below are some helpful “how-to’s” that may not take place overnight, but can absolutely build a bridge to betterment in looking at things more optimistically and finding hope in any situation. Accentuate the positives and stop focusing on the negative. What you focus on magnifies! Observe how your chartered thoughts are making you feel, recognize when you’re on an emotional high, and map when you’re feeling particularly low. Harness those feelings to recreate what you like and discontinue what you don’t When you’re faced with a seemingly debilitating rut, shift your perspective and incorporate some positive affirmations to give you an extra boost. Positive self-talk is a known practice among optimists. You can be well on your way to a glass-half-full kind of vision… you’re already halfway there! For relationship support in individual therapy, marriage counseling, or couples therapy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, call Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT at 954-391-5305 ext. 1.

It’s fall, even though it doesn’t quite feel that way in sunny south Florida yet! Fall is often considered the most beloved of all the seasons and with good reason, too. The fall season brings with it a special kind of beauty; richer sunsets, the subtly changing colors of leaves, a reprieve from stifling summer heat with cooler temperatures (hopefully soon for us Florida folks), and the anticipation of the holiday season right around the corner. Many seem to have capitalized on our current love of all things fall, from specialty coffee drinks only available during this season to the infamous Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales. Fall can be its own kind of new year, not one marked on the calendar by January 1st, one that's marked in your mind or your heart as your turn over a new leaf. It’s the perfect opportunity to make a change you've been thinking about, or refresh yourself spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Begin Again: Most might answer the question “Can you Fall Back in Love with your Partner?” with a resounding, “No” but the authors at Psychology Today have a different answer; “Yes”. The first step is to begin again. Begin your relationship again by acting the way you did when you first met. Create New Memories: Part of the appeal of a new relationship is exactly that, it’s new! We’re learning so much about our partner in those first few days and months of the relationship, the novelty is taken for granted. You might find yourself thinking you know all there is about your partner after one, two, three years, or even a decade together. This isn’t true. Explore the new facets of your partner (and your relationship) by learning about what interests your partner now, what he or she likes or dislikes on TV, etc. You’ll find yourself surprised and intrigued as you learn about your partner’s growth and changes. Listen to the Same Music: Music has the ability to transport us back in time, whether to happy or sad places. Perhaps there’s a song that comes on the radio and it immediately reminds you of your partner (the song you danced to at your wedding, on your first date, or just driving in the car with him or her). Take a minute to go back in time with a song that reminds you and your partner of good times. Look in the Mirror: Sometimes, our own unhappiness gets in the way of our happiness with others. The old saying “You have to love yourself before you love someone else” rings true for relationships, especially those who feel the waning of romance. Unhappy at work? Unsatisfied with how you feel or look? All of these could be contributing to your less than enthusiastic relationship. Check-in with yourself to see if something within you needs to change. Get Physical: As relationships, age so does the desire to be physically close with your partner, which is a shame because there are numerous benefits to cuddling. Cuddling releases all those feel-good chemicals in brains and strengthens bonding between partners. Think you already cuddle enough? Take up a physical activity together (running, biking, swimming, yoga, the list is endless!). You’ll get the added benefit of releasing those same feel-good chemicals while also getting healthier with your partner. Create a Tradition: Traditions are fun things that individuals look forward to, no matter what time of year. I know a couple who buy a shot class every new place they visit for either vacation or work (their collection is extensive) and when one travels without the other, it makes for a nice memento to bring home. Be Kind: It can be hard to practice kindness in a relationship when it’s feeling stale. Keep in mind that sometimes the children who most need love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. Perhaps you’re frustrated with how your partner is behaving, either things done or undone, and you’re not feeling your most kind. Although now filing for divorce, Brad Pitt’s famous statement about the positive change in his wife upon showing her love is a lesson to all of us; when the flower doesn’t bloom, we don’t blame the flower, we look at the environment. Create a kind and positive environment for love to bloom. Change Your Mind: “Change yourself and you change your world.” - Norman Vincent Peale. Our thoughts are our reality. If we think we are unhappy we will act accordingly. There is power in our thoughts and if we think that we are in love again with our partner, it’s true. So much of our world is shaped by our interpretation and our perception of events, we can get caught up in how we feel (or don’t feel) that we stop looking at what may be right in front of us. While your love might no longer be in Gottman’s Limerence phase of love, you and your partner may have moved into a deeper phase of love and as such can honor the strides you’ve made together. Speak with Love: When you talk to your partner and about your partner to others, speak only from a place of love. This can be coupled with tip number 1 “Begin Again”. After some time, your partner’s goofy grin or penchant for taking an hour too long to get ready might wear on you. Remembering that these were the things that originally attracted you to your partner will help you choose your words carefully when speaking to you about your partner. Nothing is more toxic than speaking ill of your partner and when you open that door for yourself, you allow your partner to walk through it and speak disparagingly about you. Set Goals Together: In dating, everyone wants to know when you’re getting engaged. After the engagement, everyone wants to know when you’re getting married. After marriage, they want to know when you’re having kids, etc. Slowly, the little goals you’ve set at the beginning of your relationship are completed and it might feel like there isn’t much more to look forward to. Set a goal together and work towards making that goal happen. Want to go on an around the world trip to Australia? Plan it! Want to finally buy that vacation home in the mountains? Go for it! This helps create those new memories we discussed in tip number two and gives you and your partner something to look forward to as the years pass by. There you have it, the Top 10 Ways to Fall Back in Love with your Partner. Want to add your own tips? Or looking to find your own way to fall back in love with your partner? Dr. Kate Campbell is just a phone call (954. 391.5305 ext. 1) away. Dr. Kate provides pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

When someone you love betrays your trust, it’s absolutely devastating! Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner is essential, but once the trust is broken it’s replaced with a mix of fear, anger, sadness, resentment, and disappointment. Trust is a powerful thing… It can take a lifetime to build and mere seconds to destroy. Many couples struggle with how to build T.R.U.S.T. after a betrayal. As a relationship expert, I help individuals and couples recover from relationship injuries such as lying, secrets, and the ultimate betrayal - having an affair. For more information on How to Affair-Proof Your Relationship in the Age of Technology, check out my previous blog. Depending on how deep the betrayal was, it can be difficult to recover from, but not impossible. The first step is to assess whether the relationship is salvageable and whether each partner is willing to do the work toward repairing, reconnecting, and recovering. Once couples decide to move forward, here are my suggestions for How to Build T.R.U.S.T. After a Betrayal. T- Take Responsibility for your actions. If you’re the one who betrayed, it’s time to come clean. You must take ownership, express genuine remorse, and begin to make amends. Trust is a two-way street. Regardless of what side you’re on, both partners need to take ownership for their part and the necessary steps toward healing. R- Be Reliable for your partner. Follow through with what you say you’re going to do and do that over and over again. Show your partner that you have their back. Make a commitment to do what it takes to get your relationship back on track. Keep in mind, it’s the little things during daily life that make a big difference. U- Understand your partner’s perspective and honor their reality. Listen with an open heart to your partner’s perspective and validate their emotional experience. Make sure you’re aware of your partner’s needs and turn toward them to connect within those emotional experiences even though it may be difficult at times. Couples therapy is a wonderful resource to help navigate this delicate process. S- Speak openly and honestly with your partner. Communicating effectively with your partner is essential, especially after a betrayal. Be patient with yourself and your partner while discussing a wide range of emotions, thoughts, fears, doubts, hopes, needs, and longings. Ask your partner what kind of reassurance they need to feel safe and connected with you. T- Trust-building behaviors. There’s a saying, “actions speak louder than words” and it’s vital when rebuilding trust. Partners must give each other the opportunity to prove they are worthy of repairing the relationship and slowly rebuilding the foundation of trust. This takes time so it’s important to be patient, dependable, and consistent with trust-building behaviors. Depending on the nature of the betrayal, this process may take weeks, months, or even years. Talk with your partner about the specific trust-building behaviors they want to see and make a list to ensure you’re following through with them. No doubt betrayals are very difficult to overcome, but if you put these tips in action, your relationships can grow stronger and pain will drift farther away over time. Reconciliation is possible for those willing to work for it. Watch Dr. Kate's interview on how to rebuild T.R.U.S.T after a betrayal on The Couples Corner. If you need assistance in the process of rebuilding your relationship after a betrayal, contact Dr. Kate Campbell, LMFT at Bayview Therapeutic Services in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at Info@BayviewTherapy.com or 954.391.5305 ext. 1. Dr. Kate provides pre-marital counseling, marriage therapy, and couples counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. She specializes in seeing individuals and couples repair trust and affair recovery.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a specific type of psychotherapy treatment that helps alleviate the distress that individuals are experiencing due to a traumatic experience. The level of emotional distress is decreased and an individual’s capacity to improve their well-being and mental health is also enhanced. Recent research shows that EMDR therapy is a safe and effective form of psychotherapy for teens, especially for teens who find it very difficult to express themselves and talk about their feelings. EMDR can also be a great alternative to teens taking psychotropic medications as it is a natural way to decrease the symptoms they are experiencing. Here are 5 important ways EMDR therapy can help teens: Improvement in quality of sleep - It is common for teens to experience nightmares after a traumatic experience and EMDR therapy can treat the traumatic memories. After engaging in EMDR, teens are able to have a better night’s rest as the nightmares are reduced and eliminated. More confidence and independence - EMDR therapy helps teens heal emotionally and physically which allows them to have a stronger sense of self. This stronger sense of self helps them feel more secure in their connections with peers and family members. More confidence and independence will position teens to create meaningful relationships which can enhance their overall well-being. Promotes resilience - EMDR therapy increases teens’ ability to cope with stress and change in their personal life. Their capacity to handle and navigate negative situations strengthens and they continue to grow from their past experiences as well as feel more prepared for the future. Instead of avoiding stress, they are confident in their ability to manage and cope with stress. Focus better in school - Traumatic experiences negatively affect a teen’s ability to focus in daily life, especially in school. EMDR therapy helps heal the memories that can be overwhelming and distracting so teens can effectively focus and complete their schoolwork. Heal from loss - Whether a teen is experiencing their parent’s divorce, losing friends at school, or the loss of a loved one, the loss can have an intense impact on a teen’s life. Teens experience a myriad of emotions which can be extremely challenging and can also affect a teen’s self-esteem and view of self. EMDR therapy assists teens in processing the loss they are experiencing so they have a deeper understanding of what is going on in their world. This understanding is essential for teens to grow and heal from the loss instead of blaming themselves or others. Do you know of a teen who is experiencing anxiety or other symptoms from a traumatic experience? Contact Bayview Therapy at 954.391.5305 and we would love to answer any questions you have and connect you to a therapist trained in EMDR. Hope and help are always available and we would love to connect with you. We look forward to speaking with you!

We all have a brain in our head, that’s not the news I’m sure. And in the world of mental health treatment and therapy, that brain gets a lot of attention. But what if I told you that you have a second brain living in your gut and it’s communicating with your main brain ALL the time?? Our gut is sending us signals that we often overlook. Have you ever heard someone say that they have “butterflies” in their belly? Or maybe you’ve sensed that something is just not right and you begin to feel a pit in your stomach. These are examples of communication from what scientists refer to as the Enteric Nervous System (ENS). The ENS is made up of nerve cells that live in the lining of your gastrointestinal tract and it’s the CEO of digestive processes (The brain-gut Connection, n.d.). It’s responsible for everything from swallowing to breaking down food and helping with nutrient absorption to elimination. As problems occur within the digestive process, the ENS will send signals to your Central Nervous System (CNS), aka your brain and spinal cord, that trigger changes in your mood. These two systems are on the phone with each other constantly, sharing information and initiating responses in the body. They have a bi-directional relationship. Here’s an example of what I mean: First Brain (CNS) Perceives a Threat → Induces Stress Response → Affects Movement in the Body and Digestive System Second Brain, AKA Your Gut (ENS) Experiences Pain or Dysfunction → Signals to the CNS → Triggers Mood Changes, Anxiety, Depression, etc. (Publishing, 2012) So, what’s the point? Why is it important to understand the role of gut health when considering your mental health? Well for starters, it gives us a new approach to the treatment of mental health disorders. We are able to zoom out and view our struggles from a whole-body perspective and target symptoms with interventions that have an effect on multiple systems within the body. There are loads of research studies and articles that you can explore to learn more about this, but I’d like to highlight one of the most interesting finds I’ve come across. Researchers at Johns Hopkins Center for Neurogastroenterology have found that mind-body therapies and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have been effective treatments for their patients with GI disorders (The Brain-Gut Connection, n.d.). It’s intriguing to consider that these methods often used in mental health therapy have been successful in physical health treatment as well. In fact, neuropsychologists have also speculated that certain psychological and neurological disorders, like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, Alzheimer's, anxiety, and depression, are associated with fluctuations in gut health (McQuillan, 2018). Do you see the connection?!? We can heal and restore our mental wellbeing by improving the health of our gut with nutrition and other holistic treatments, just as many have seen improvement in their digestive system with the use of cognitive and mind-body therapies. If you’ve ever felt like you’re losing control over your mind and emotions, let me reassure you that there are solutions. As a therapist, I wholeheartedly believe in the essential role of one-on-one therapy as a component of the healing process, but what you do and how you live outside of a session is just as important. In my work with you, I will educate and empower you to take the reins and create change through action. I use an integrative approach to support you and your specific needs. Together we will find answers and implement strategies that allow you to live your best life. For more information, visit my bio contact or call me at 954-391-5305 to schedule your complimentary consultation. Let’s get to work! References: The brain-gut connection. (n.d.). Retrieved April 01, 2021, from Hopkins Medicine. McQuillan, S. (2018, November 18). The Gut Brain Connection: How gut health affects mental health. Retrieved April 04, 2021, from PSYCOM. Publishing, H. (2012). The gut-brain connection. Retrieved April 04, 2021, from Harvard Health Publishing.

What could possibly be troublesome about demanding perfection? Isn’t that a good thing? If we’re not working hard to be the best then what’s the point of working at all? I hear questions like these a lot from the over-achiever, goal-oriented folks I see and I have to say it’s tough to hold a position on the topic. It’s one that has two sides and both have valid points that deserve to be explored. What is Perfectionism? The short definition is “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” Not super descriptive and I don’t love that we’re defining a word with the same word, but let’s unpack this a little further. Essentially as a perfectionist, you will not accept anything that does not meet your particular standards of what is flawless. There are three types of perfectionism: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed. Self-oriented perfectionism is when you impose on yourself a specific set of standards (often unrealistic) to define perfection. Other-oriented perfectionism means you are imposing your standards and expectations for perfection on other people. And socially prescribed perfectionism is when you are perceiving or believing that others expect perfection from you. Here’s the problem...to know whether or not you or someone else is meeting the standard you have set or fulfilling expectations there must be ongoing critique and evaluation. For an adaptive perfectionist - someone that is flexible in their expectations - this isn’t a huge issue. It may help them to set clear goals and solve problems more effectively. But for someone that struggles with the fear of failure and all-or-nothing thinking, perfectionism can become incredibly unhealthy and detrimental. What Causes Perfectionism? There are many factors that could contribute to the development of perfectionism as a personality trait, but I’ve found that often it stems from influence and experience during childhood. Sometimes a children will adopt perfectionism because their caregivers are perfectionists and this is what they have learned is “normal.” Sometimes a child will develop perfectionism as a defense mechanism because they are living in a critical environment under constant scrutiny to meet the seemingly impossible expectations of the people around them. Growing up with an ongoing analysis of whether you’re good or bad, right or wrong, can lead you to develop insecurity in yourself, fear of disapproval, and fear of failure. The Ugly Truth Underlying Perfectionism Having unrealistic or unattainable standards and expectations for yourself can fuel negative beliefs that have an impact on your self-esteem and trigger issues with anxiety, panic, depression, OCD, and PTSD. Perfectionism often leads to an overactive inner critic - that voice in your head that says “you’ll never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough…you do everything wrong...no one likes you...you don’t deserve to be happy or loved.” It’s very hard to live a healthy life when your mind is filled with thoughts like these. Your inner critic will hold you back. It will cloud the lens that you use to view yourself and the world around you. Perfectionism can create a dysfunctional pattern of self-sabotage that’s easy to get stuck in. For example, you set a positive goal for yourself, but you demand perfection to achieve it. And because of that maybe you become overwhelmed and procrastinate to avoid that stress. Then when you are not able to accomplish the goal as planned “perfectly,” you knock yourself down with negative thoughts about your worth and abilities. Over time it’s harder and harder to get out of this cycle, but it’s imperative that you do if you are to get on a path towards true fulfillment and self-love. Let Me Help You! Some of the best work in therapy is breaking down old patterns of thinking and behavior to figure out where the heck it comes up and why we keep doing it if it’s not benefiting us. Our minds are incredibly complex and sometimes the software needs an update. For solid change to happen, we have to be willing to acknowledge the ways we may be perpetuating our own struggles. I’d love the chance to support you in the process to learn more adaptive perspectives and strategies to live by. If you’re ready to overcome life challenges and invest in your success, let’s chat! Call me at 954.391.5305 for your complimentary consultation. For more information about my approach, read my bio.

Reaching 10 years in my marriage is a milestone that I have been looking forward to for quite some time. The only unfortunate part is that I was looking forward to celebrating this milestone on a cruise, but Corona kind of got in the way. So instead of celebrating by the poolside with a margarita, I figured I would pass along the 10 lessons that I have learned, not only through my training as a marriage counselor but through personal experience. And yes … marriage counselors have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. We aren’t all in perfect marriages, we are human. We have flaws and we have to learn from them. It is from the flaws and the good times that we (meaning everyone) can prosper and create the relationships that reach 10+ year milestones. So diving into it… what are my 10 lessons? Well, sit back and enjoy some reading because condensing everything into a list of just 10 was very hard! 1. Talk about expectation – The unfortunate part of being in a long-term relationship is that we EXPECT our partners to know what we think, what we want, and what we need. That is NOT the case, which is why it is important to talk about expectations in a relationship. Especially because things change as our relationship evolves. So having conversations, on a regular basis, about our expectations will help keep both of you on the same page of where your relationship is and where you are heading. 2. Understanding “I”, “You” and “We” statements – Now this is a bit of a tricky tip. It takes finesse and conscious awareness of what we say. Which sounds impossible and bound for mishaps. However, as we continue to practice and work, it becomes natural. So what are “I”, “you” and “we” statements, and why are they so important? Well, depending on how you deliver content it will help determine how that specific content is received, and in some cases, the response you get back. a. “I” statements – For me, I statements are an opportunity to come from a place of vulnerability about how you feel and what you need. It is hard to refute how a person feels. Example: “I get scared when I don’t know what is happening and it makes me really anxious.” b. “You” statements – These types of statements have a time and a place and within the conflict, “you” statements don’t normally end well. “You” statements often create the feeling of criticism and defensiveness. Example: “When you don’t call or let me know what is going on, it is like you don’t care.” c. “We” statements – “We” statements help foster feelings of connection and unity. They also allow you both to feel ownership towards finding a solution to whatever conflict arises, versus making one partner feel more responsible to change. Example: “Can we come up with a plan to check in with each other more often?” 3. Conflict is normal – Often times we tend to romanticize the perfect relationship as one that never has conflict, but conflict is normal. Conflict is healthy. Conflict allows a couple to come together, work together, learn how to communicate, and bond at a deeper level. Issues arise with conflict when couples aren’t fighting fairly and when there is no repair. That is when conflict becomes unhealthy. You want to ensure that when conflict does come up in a relationship that you maintain respect for your partner and remember that the ultimate goal is to find a resolution for the betterment of the relationship. Now, the repair is the most crucial part of conflict and one that goes ignored. Repair is how couples come together after a conflict, come to a place of understanding while dropping the need to protect one’s ego. 4. Learn your partner’s love language – The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is a really easy read. If you don’t have the time, you can easily take the quiz to learn about the 5 love languages. To give you a quick summary, the 5 love languages address how we each like to RECEIVE love. You can learn more about your love languages by CLICKING HERE. So learning how your partner wants to receive love can help foster a feeling of appreciation. It helps your partner feel like you know them and that you care about what they need to feel loved. 5. Individual time is important – We don’t need to be with our partner 24/7, in fact, having individual time is healthy for relationships. It allows you to miss your partner, gives you something to talk to your partner about, and gives you space to de-stress. Plus, I am sure your partner would want to be able to spend time doing the things that they enjoy. For example, my husband is into archery. That is not really my thing, but I am more than happy to let him shoot arrows by himself so he can destress while I happily enjoy screaming at Mario for not avoiding Goombas. (That is a Nintendo reference… I enjoy playing video games). 6. Create an appreciation list – So this tip is something that my husband actually started. We created a list of 5 things that we would love to have on a crappy day or a random day that would make us feel good. For example, my husband loves fries from Wingstop, while I enjoy a nice beverage from Starbucks. So, on a random day or on a day where we may have had a crappy day, we pull from the list to make each other feel better. It is a simple tool that can help bring you and your partner together. 7. Communication is essential – This seems obvious, right? However, many couples don’t really take the time to work on communication and communication has many different levels. a. On a small scale, talking with your partner for 5 minutes a day on how your day helped foster emotional intimacy and makes each other feel included. b. At a productive level, having a “meeting of the minds” weekly conversation with your partner on the to-dos that need to be done during the week. Here you guys can talk about bills that are due, appointments that need to be scheduled, or ideally when to go out on a date night. c. At a large scale, having conversations about things that are not working and what is needed to get the both of you on the same page. What I have noticed in my work with couples is that most couples tend to avoid big conversations in order to not create conflict. Finances are oftentimes one of those conversations that couples tend to avoid. By avoiding talking about big topics, the problem builds to a boiling point. Therefore, it is important to talk about heavy topics instead of ignoring them. If this is a problem in your relationship and you don’t know how to start this type of conversation try scheduling it out in advance (maybe during your “meeting of the minds” conversation) so that you both can be prepared mentally to talk things through. 8. Make time as a couple – Time is often a luxury and the responsibilities of life tend to chip away at any free time that we have. When in a relationship it is important to make it a priority, therefore, we need to put in the effort to make time as a couple. Now, it doesn’t always have to be an extravagant night out on the town. It can be simple things that you do together as a way to connect. It can be something as simple as doing a puzzle together, watching a documentary and talking about it together, drinking out on the patio together, etc. As long as it is time for the two of you (no kids involved) to spend time together. If creativity isn’t your thing or if there isn’t much to do, you can opt to have subscription date night boxes sent your way or even download apps on your phone. For example, an app that I recommend for couples as a way to connect is Gottman Love Cards. It is free plus a good way to help foster communication as well. 9. Go to bed angry (if needed) - I know the old saying is “never go to bed angry,” but science has shown that going to bed angry is actually beneficial. Having space and time between argument allows us to process the events of what just happened, maybe think differently and less hastily and often times gives a chance to reflect on what we could have done differently. Let’s say that you are in an argument with your partner during the daytime … in that situation, I would recommend taking a break if things become too heated to allow both of you to have that space to cool off and think more rationally. That usually takes about an hour, biologically speaking, so take that time to do something else to allow you and your partner to decompress. HOWEVER, two crucial things are important to take into account. The first being that the time apart can NOT be longer than 24 hours. I believe that anything beyond 24 hours means that we are now in grudge/resentment territory and that is not where we want to be. So make sure to come back to it within a reasonable timeframe. The second part is to make sure that there are a repair and ownership of your responsibility in the problem. Everyone owns some level of responsibility so it is important to acknowledge that in order for the repair to be successful. 10. Be a safe space for your partner – At a core level in a romantic relationship, we need to create a space where we feel safe. That helps create a feeling of connection, intimacy, and vulnerability. In order to help facilitate that in a relationship, we need to break down the barriers that we have created throughout our lifetime, and allow our partners to be there for us. Granted, this is a space that is earned in a relationship, but it is important that you give your partner some feeling of connection and vulnerability as you slowly chip away at your walls to allow them in. One important thing to understand that being a safe space for your partner doesn’t mean that you are their problem solver. It means that you are there to hear them out and vent, with your ears … not anything else (unless they ask for it). Wow… that was A LOT of lessons that I have learned over the past ten years as a partner and as a marriage counselor. I know that there are many more that I can share with you but I think this is a good foundation for you to start to create the relationship that will hopefully get you to that 10+ year mark as well. So now, I will drink a margarita on my couch with my husband as we dream about the cruise that would have been … LOL … and reflect back on the good times we had together. Can’t wait! If you're wanting some help with your relationship, give me a call at 954.391.5305 for your complimentary consultation. I am offering in-person sessions at our Coral Springs, Florida office or online via a secure telehealth platform. I look forward to speaking with you! *For more information about Jessica Jefferson, LMFT click here.

If you’ve ever experienced intense anxiety or panic attack, you know it can feel like something is taking over you and you’ve become completely helpless. Your heart rate speeds up and feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest. You might feel a tingling sensation run down your arms and legs and into your hands and feet. The thermostat in your body goes haywire; one minute you’re hot and the next you have chills. Your breathing becomes shallow and you start to wonder if you’re dying. There is an indescribable amount of fear that washes over you. Imagine if you had a way to regain your sense of control. Imagine having a strategy to combat the symptoms and ground your body and mind. If this is something you regularly experience, or if you’ve been diagnosed with a panic disorder, let me offer you a technique that can help you at the moment. Of course, I highly recommended seeking treatment in therapy, but this method will allow you to intervene on your own to stop the panic. First things first...take a deep breath and name it. Become familiar with the symptoms so that when it begins you can confidently name your experience as a panic attack. This will reduce some of the fear and allow you to take action. Often the panic is fueled by fear of what’s happening. In this instance, knowledge is power and will help you to maintain some control. Now let’s use your five senses to induce relaxation throughout your body. Sight Find an object to focus your attention on. It could be something on your body like a button or your shoe. Or maybe it’s something in your environments like a plant or a piece of furniture. Notice every little detail about this object. What color is it? Is it big or small? Textured or smooth? Does it reflect light or is it dull? Touch You can use touch a few different ways to help ground yourself. Try touching the object that you spent some time observing. Were your initial observations true? Consider how it feels. Is it heavy or light? Soft or hard? You can also engage touch by using your hands to apply mild pressure as you give yourself a hug. If you have someone with you, you might ask them to hold your hand as you bring awareness to the light pressure on your skin and the temperature of their hand in yours. Cold compresses and cold water can also be effective in gently shocking your system as you move into relaxation. Splash a little cold water in your face or apply an ice pack to the back of your neck to help regulate the hot flashes you may be experiencing. Sound Similar to sight, you can use what’s readily available in your environment. Listen carefully to the sounds around you. If you’re outside, you might hear birds chirping, the wind blowing or the sound of traffic going by. If you’re at the office or in a store, maybe you’ll hear the buzz of people talking around you. For some, certain sounds may be overwhelming, so for those people, I recommend grabbing some headphones and playing soothing sounds or music at a volume that feels good. I personally enjoy using binaural beats for this. Smell Using smell to stimulate relaxation is particularly effective because it also encourages deeper breathing. Shortened breaths associated with panic reduce the amount of oxygen getting into your body. This can cause that tingling sensation that you feel in your limbs. When we take longer, deeper breaths we can slow down our heart rate as well. Shift your attention to your nose and focus on the smells surrounding you. Do you smell grass or flowers? Maybe someone is cooking and you can smell their food. What about your own smell? Do you have cologne on? Can you smell your laundry detergent on your clothes? Take several deeps inhales through your nose. Fill your lungs. Then exhale through your mouth. Continue this until you feel your heart slow and your body begins to relax. Another strategy may be to carry a little jar of essential oil with you. Scents like lavender, bergamot, lemon, and basil have calming effects that can help. Taste Using taste might seem a little odd, but it’s highly underrated in my opinion. Taste is one of the best distractions when a panic attack ensues. It’s one that can be used to tap into just about all of the senses at once. When you start to experience symptoms of panic, try sucking on a lemon or lime wedge. You’ll get a shock from the sour and bitter flavor that will quickly shift your attention away from the panic and straight to your mouth. I always encourage those with a history of panic attacks to carry some Warhead candies with them. Those things will certainly do the trick. Hold the candy or lemon wedge in your mouth while you spend some time acknowledging the taste. What sensations do you feel in your mouth? Can you smell anything? Does it make a sound on your teeth? Your only objective is to become aware and stay present using your senses to ground you at the moment. Put together a panic attack tool kit to keep with you so that you are prepared to intervene whenever you might need to. Want more tips and tricks for managing anxiety, stress, and panic? I’ll be sharing more here, or better yet, let’s do some work together. You don’t have to go through it on your own. Let’s explore what’s underlying these issues for you and develop strategies to help you overcome them by using your existing resilience and strengthening your confidence. Give me a call at 954-391-5305 for your FREE consultation or visit my bio to learn more about my services!

Welcoming a new baby into the world and to your family is nothing short of miraculous. It's amazing, magical, and crazy all at the same time. While you are filled with joy and love for your new baby, you can also be overcome with fear, loneliness, and stress. Add in all the uncertainty and chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic and now you are completely overwhelmed. How is a mom supposed to feel? How is she supposed to manage her stressors? Your journey to motherhood during this unprecedented time will be one that you will never forget. Is it normal to feel overwhelmed with caring for your new baby under normal circumstances? Yes! Absolutely! These feelings can make what is supposed to be a positive life-changing event one that makes you question yourself, your thoughts, and your abilities. Then, add in the uncertainty of caring for a baby during a pandemic and those feelings may consume you... if you let them. Caring for a newborn is challenging in the best of times, but doing so during a coronavirus pandemic presents a whole new set of challenges—especially when you’re isolated from your parents, close relatives, and friends. As a new mom, it’s unrealistic to think you can eliminate stress completely, but you can minimize it. Here are some useful strategies to manage new mom stress in the midst of a pandemic: View this bonding time with the baby as a gift. Missing your parents, relatives, or friends and feeling guilty that they aren’t able to spend time with the baby is NORMAL. However, there may be a silver lining in this situation. Every family has that family member who can over advise when it comes to taking care of a newborn. Look at this time as a way to bond with your immediate family, determine what works best for your family, and learn from one another. This can be an empowering experience that can bring the family closer together. It also eliminates having to tell a plethora of people who want to visit “no” when you really didn't want them to see the baby under normal circumstances. Technology can be amazing and offer the support from your parents, relatives, and friends when you need it. Remember, your people are just a phone call away. Contain the Chaos. A new baby, with his/her 24 hours sleep/wake schedule and constant need for care, can leave the most organized parent reeling, and turn what was once a spotless house into an obstacle course. Simplifying is the secret to keeping your life not perfect, but livable. If the day to day routine is overwhelming you, change one thing and do it differently. Rescue your relationship. Enjoy the magic of being a new mom and fall in love with your partner all over again. Realizing what each of you and your partner’s changing needs are is key! The secret is to address any issues up front. Be proactive. Break a sweat. Start exercising as soon as your doctor states it is safe. Sign up for yoga, join a “mommy and baby” exercise class, or take a walk with your baby and significant other. Many of these classes are being offered via video conferencing platforms or there are plenty of free videos on YouTube. Take some “guilt free” time for yourself. Ask your partner to watch the baby for a little while, or if you are by yourself, wait until the baby goes down for a nap to do something for YOU. Take a drive to your favorite coffee/tea shop. Take a walk on the beach. Read your favorite magazine. Watch your favorite show. Take an extra long shower. These could be good opportunities for you to recharge your body, mind, and soul. Eat nutritious meals. Poor nutrition can sap your energy levels and cause stress. Making sure you have proper nutrition and staying hydrated is important. If family members, friends, or relatives offer to help cook or deliver meals, take them up on it. Have your groceries delivered or if able, use a meal service. Find ways to make cooking and enjoying whole foods easy and accessible. Get help. If you feel overwhelmed by the stress of being a new mom during this difficult time, reach out for professional help. There is no guilt in admitting the changes in your life are overwhelming. It is time to remove the unrealistic expectations of motherhood and the negative stigma of postpartum mental health issues. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the “perfect” mom. It’s important to sideline this mentality. Focus on loving your child and the new family that is being built. Remember mama, you can’t be there for your baby and family if you aren't taking care of yourself. For any of you, mamas, who may need extra support, I’m offering phone or video sessions through a secure platform. Please click here to schedule an appointment today or click here to learn more about me.

Successful relationships and how we perceive our partners are based on a series of interactions and gestures both big and small. It’s important to consistently do things in our relationship that demonstrate care, investment, trust and commitment. You might be surprised to know that it doesn’t take a major overhaul in your relationship to maintain lasting connection. When I counsel couples, I advocate for them to make small changes but done often enough to make a lasting impact. According to John Gottman, “couples who do the following small things often and repair conflict when it arises, will create a path towards a more intimate, trusting and satisfying relationship”. The first small thing I discuss with my couples is partings and the 6 second kiss! Prior to parting in the morning, spend 2-5 minutes talking with your partner and discuss what’s on the agenda for the day, including one interesting thing that he/she might experience. Remember to say goodbye with a kiss or hug that lasts at least 6 seconds. Remember to show affection like kissing, holding and touching each other. Be playful with how you show affection and make sure to kiss or touch each other at partings, reunions and before going to bed. Do your best to practice a lingering kiss whenever possible. Another positive gesture towards your relationship is sharing admiration and appreciation. Gottman states that “maintaining a loving relationship requires action and expression”. It’s not enough to have appreciative thoughts about your partner; it’s really important to say them out loud and let him or her know. Expressing these thoughts of affection and appreciation helps build a loving foundation. The following are ways to express admiration and appreciation: Share something about your partner’s personality and an incident where your partner demonstrated that characteristic. For example: “I love that you are so (kind, caring, playful, funny, thoughtful, understanding), especially last night when you volunteered with the abandoned animals”. Make an effort to catch your partner doing something “right” and say thanks for it. Send an email or text during the day to let your partner know that you are thinking about her or him. Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable in any relationship. We all have arguments and at times we say and do the wrong thing. One of the most important things we can do after a conflict is to be able to process it without getting back into the fight all over again where we hurt each other. According to Gottman’s processing the aftermath of a regrettable incident, “to process means to talk about the fight without getting upset about it again”. It’s important for both partners to understand that there is no absolute reality in a disagreement. Rather, there are two subjective realities that are dependent upon each partner’s perspective. The goal is to talk about what happened as if you were watching it on television. If this sounds like emotional Olympics, then you may need to start out smaller. Going to a qualified therapist will help guide you through productive, evidenced-based communication skills that make processing the aftermath of a fight easier so that a conflict doesn’t overshadow the positive sentiment you have towards your partner. If you practice some of these small things often each week, it’s very likely that you will see positive changes and be surprised how quickly positive feelings can grow that will create the close and intimate relationship that you want. For more information on this subject stay tuned and if negative thinking and negative self talk is something that you struggle with, contact me here for your complimentary consultation to discuss how I can be helpful!

I hear the constant narrative being spoken by women in my office. The way women so harshly judge themselves as they compare themselves to these “perfect” Instagram posts. Sure, they may appear perfect on the exterior, but nobody is posting pictures of their imperfect moments. At least, most are not. I find that the challenge with social media exists for everyone, teens and adults alike. And since I work with moms, and am one myself, I also know that social media can be VERY impactful on motherhood. First, let’s talk about the pros, because there are many. Social media is a platform that can provide resources, a sense of community, sound advice and LAUGHTER. That is probably my favorite thing that social media provides for me as a mother, a place for laughter, where my experiences feel validated, seen, and where we as moms can laugh together through the hard stuff. So healing. Certain accounts also provide great education; I particularly enjoy some pages that give great tips for responding to tantrums, since that is the phase of motherhood I am in right now. Yay ;) There are also great accounts that serve as valuable safe havens for mothers experiencing infertility/loss; and there is an abundance of support found in those communities. A lot of good. However… there is also a very negative aspect that accompanies social media, and the impacts are not great on moms’ emotional health. There are undoubtedly many pages that put out unrealistic/idealistic images around motherhood and raising children. Many influencers whether they are intending to or not, support outdated ideas that women are to be kept, and that their role is to look thin, put together, have it all together at all times, and their houses and children should reflect that too. These images can be overwhelming for moms who are simply just trying to get through their day. The moms who are tired, up all night with a newborn and who feel success if they were just able to brush their teeth that morning. I’ve been there. Whether you are a working mom, stay at home mom, or both; your journey is yours. And for you to define. Your worth as a mother is not based on the Instagram standard. I hear too often the pain that comes from comparing your life to the Instagram life. Here are some tips for how to make social media the healthiest space for you as a mom: Filter your social media: Be intentional about accounts you follow. Do not be afraid of unfollowing or muting accounts that make you feel bad about yourself or that bring up the need to compare yourself. Follow people who are uplifting, who offer a sense of community, and can teach you something healthy and adaptive that you can apply to yourself or your family. Limit your time: Give yourself a time limit. Even if you have filtered your accounts sufficiently, mindless scrolling is not a healthy habit. We all do it, and everyone can related to getting lost in the Instagram time warp. (Cue feelings of mom guilt). Avoid feeling guilty by limiting your time on social media every day. Practice mindfulness: Moms often share that they easily slip into a social media dark hole when they are spending time with their kids. This often causes them to feel guilty later on. Being mindful about when you are scrolling is a good skill to exercise. I have clients who decide they will only scroll during nap time, or when their kids are asleep, which allows them to feel more present with their kids and avoid guilt. Do something else instead: Whenever you get the urge to scroll, intentionally do something else instead. Read a chapter of a book, journal, mediate, or just sit in silence. That hour that can easily be spent scrolling, is a great time to do something else inspiring and productive. To all you moms out there, I see you, I am with you, and I am here to tell you that it’s okay to feel the way you feel. This is really F’n hard. Please reach out for help if you need it. I am always here if you need extra support, and just a phone call away. We will all get through this together, one very long day at a time. For moms out there who need my help, I'm offering phone or video sessions through a secure platform, click here to schedule an appointment.

The mother of a 12 year-old boy I recently evaluated, called weeks after he was diagnosed with ADHD. She stated, “He’s finally stopped beating himself up for not being able to focus in class, follow directions, or remember to bring home books for homework. He told me he felt great relief knowing that he is special and his brain works differently than other children. He’s so happy to know he now has tools and resources to help him a overcome his challenges. I already see an improvement in his grades and teachers are finally sending home positive reports.” I thanked her for the update, and was reminded about the usefulness of a diagnosis and how this can lead to a better understanding of one's challenges and developing a roadmap for success. Have you noticed that your child has difficulty paying attention or focusing on one thing at a time? Or perhaps as you observe your child play with friends, you notice they have a hard time waiting their turn in games and often interrupt others while they are talking. Maybe you think back to your last few outings and wonder why your child can’t seem to sit still and acts if they are driven by a motor and goes for hours. You’ve probably wondered if your child has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity-Disorder (ADHD)? Have you asked yourself this question, but then wondered, “If my child has ADHD then how come they can sit for hours uninterrupted and play video games?” “Why is it that when they do something of interest, they can focus for hours and not get distracted, but getting them to sit for fifteen minutes of homework feels like torture?” ADHD is a Neurodevelopmental Disorder, or in other words a disability related to the brain, commonly diagnosed during childhood. A hallmark of ADHD is that the brain is under stimulated, therefore, when engaged in repetitive or seemingly arduous tasks, the brain is highly distractible and easily bored. However, when the brain is stimulated and engaged, such as watching television or playing video games, the brain is attentive and focused. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), from 2013 to 2015, 10.4% of children ages 5 to 17 years were diagnosed with ADHD. Boys are approximately twice as likely to get diagnosed with ADHD than girls. The National Survey of Children’s Health (NSCH) estimate that the average age of onset for children with ADHD was 6 years of age; however, the diagnosis can be made in children as young as 4 years of age, especially when the presentation and symptoms are more severe. ADHD symptoms may affect children at home, school, or in social situations. Often, teachers may be the first to point out concerns, as school is the primary setting where children are expected to remain seated for extended periods of time, stay quiet, use time management, and listen closely to teachers and follow directions. While there has been a steady increase in the diagnosis of ADHD, this may be in part due to access to better measurement tools, enhanced knowledge and awareness about symptoms, and the way this disorder is diagnosed has changed over time. The three core symptoms of ADHD include inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) characterizes ADHD as a pattern of behaviors, that must be present in multiple settings (e.g., school and home), and symptoms lead to performance issues in social, academic, or occupational functioning. According to the DMS-5, symptoms of Inattention include: Often makes careless mistakes and lacks attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or during other activities (e.g. overlooks or misses details, work is inaccurate) Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (e.g., has difficulty remaining focused during lectures, conversations, or lengthy readings) Often does not seem to not listen when spoken to directly (e.g., mind seems elsewhere, even in the absence of obvious distraction) Often does not follow through on instruction, and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., starts tasks but quickly loses focus and is easily sidetracked) Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., difficulty managing sequential tasks, difficulty keeping materials and belongings in order, messy, disorganized work; poor time management, fails to meet deadlines) Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to participate in tasks requiring sustained mental effort (e.g., schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents or adults, preparing reports, completing forms, reviewing lengthy papers) Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g., school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile phones) Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (e.g., for older adolescents and adults, this may include unrelated thoughts) Is often forgetful in daily activities (e.g., doing chores, running errands; for older adolescents and adults, returning phone calls, paying bills, keeping appointments) According to the DSM-5, symptoms of Hyperactive/Impulsivity include: Often fidgets with or taps hands and feet or squirms in seat Often leaves seat when remaining seated is expected (e.g., leaves their place in the classroom or in other situations that require remaining seated) Often runs or climbs where it is inappropriate or feels restless (e.g., In adolescents and adults, may be limited to feeling restless) Often unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly Is often "on the go," acting as if “driven by a motor” (e.g., is unable to be or uncomfortable being still for an extended time, as in restaurants, meetings; may be experienced by others as being restless or difficult to keep up with) Often talks excessively Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed (e.g., completes people’s sentences, cannot wait for next turn in conversation) Often has difficulty waiting his or her turn (e.g., while waiting in line) Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations, games, or activities; may start using other people’s things without asking or receiving permission; for older adolescents or adults, may intrude into or take over what others are doing) The diagnosis of ADHD has three types including predominantly inattentive presentation, predominantly hyperactive/impulsivity presentation, or combined presentation if criteria for both sets of symptoms are met. As a parent, you are the expert in your child’s life and if you’ve been concerned about their behavior, this is the time to trust yourself and take action. There are some steps you can take to help your loved one. Schedule an evaluation to find out if your child has ADHD. The first and most important step is to schedule an appointment with a psychologist to have your child formally evaluated. An expert psychologist trained in conducting psychological evaluations are qualified to make this diagnosis. This can be a lengthy process, but it is recommended because the symptoms of ADHD may mimic many other mental health disorders. For example, a child who appears to daydream in class and struggle with attention and concentration may suggest ADHD, anxiety, or even depression. A child who appears fidgety and restless may suggest ADHD or anxiety. Or perhaps symptoms of boredom could suggest ADHD or giftedness. Furthermore, autism spectrum disorder may present with symptoms of ADHD and vice versa, therefore, it is important to thoroughly assess a child to ensure getting a treatment plan that will help your child achieve success. At Bayview Therapeutic Services, Dr. Heather Kuhl specializes in conducting comprehensive evaluations with children and adolescents. Call her today to start the process at (954) 391-5305 ext. 4. Engage in therapy. Research shows that parent involvement through parent training sessions or groups, along with individual therapy and teaching skills to your child can significantly reduce the deficits experienced as a result of ADHD. Create a structure for your child. Children with ADHD exhibit difficulties with executive function such as planning, organizing, resisting impulses, monitoring behavior, and completing tasks. Therefore, creating a structure and sticking to the schedule will be crucial. Some ideas include developing a morning and evening routing; using clocks, alarms, and apps to help your child be more aware of when it’s time to start or end a task; simplify your child’s schedule to allow a balance between school, after school activities, and down time; and make it easy for your child to stay organized (e.g., labeled bins, color coded notebooks, etc.). Set clear expectations and rules in the home. Children with ADHD benefit when they have consistent rules to follow. It will be important to review them together as a family and post them in a place where your child can read them. Make your life easier by keeping rules, simple, short, and clear. It will be your job to monitor and enforce the rules and hold your child accountable if they deviate. Using a reward system has also been shown to be very effective for children with ADHD. Have clearly spelled out rewards for compliance and good behavior and consequences for noncompliance and misbehavior. Keep your child active. Because many children with ADHD have ample energy, having them involved in sports or physical activities can help them release the energy in a productive way. It can be helpful to have your child participate in extracurricular activities of interest to enhance self-esteem, self-confidence, and provide opportunities for social interactions. However, as mentioned previously, it will be important to provide time to wind down and have playtime at home. Incorporate Mindfulness. Teaching mindfulness can help your child learn to respond rather than react and improve attention. Consider incorporating mindful breathing, mindful meditation, or even yoga for kids to create healthy habits early and provide your kid a leg up on learning ways to manage their behavior. Maintain good sleep hygiene. Adequate sleep is important for all children, but for children with ADHD, tiredness can lead to inattentiveness and distractibility. Not to mention, hyperactivity can lead to problems falling asleep. Regardless, developing a consistent, early bedtime with ample time to wind down and prepare for sleep is recommended. Teach your child how to make friends. One associated feature ADHD is difficulty with social interactions. Many children with ADHD experience low frustration tolerance, irritability, mood liability, and difficulties with emotional regulation which can interfere with making and keeping friends. Providing your child with education about social skills and social rules can be helpful to ensure they have success on the playground. Working with a psychologist or therapist to guide you and/or your child may be beneficial. In addition, you may seek out a social skill group in your area where children can learn in the moment with other children through guiding and coaching from a trained expert. For parents, manage your own stress and practice good self-care. Parenting a child with ADHD can test your patience. This is more of a reason to manage your frustrations and disappointment. Children with ADHD need a firm, but fair and reasonable parent. Consistently is important, but parenting with patience, compassion, support, and respect is critical. Do your best to keep a positive attitude, pick your battles and be willing to compromise, and practice good self-care to prevent burnout. Remember, you are the model for your child so practice what you preach. Eat well, exercise consistently, get regular sleep, and manage your stress. You may notice, but your child is always watching and learning from you. Educate yourself. There are endless resources for parents, and the best parent is an informed one. Therefore, take time to educate yourself about what to expect and utilize resources to remind you that you are not alone and there is always support available. Helpful resources may be found at Children and Adults with Attention/Hyperactivity Disorder, www.chadd.org. You may also find the following book helpful - Taking Charge of ADHD (3rd Edition): The Complete Authoritative Guide for Parents by Russell Barkley PhD., ABPP Explore other supportive therapies. While therapy with or without medication is an effective treatment for ADHD, other supportive therapies such as Cogmed, an evidenced-based, computerized training program designed to improve attention by increasing working memory, and neurofeedback, which is training in self-regulation, may be helpful. Consider medication. Not all children with ADHD need medication. However, if the above recommendations do not work substantially to improve your child’s behavior at home and/or school, it may be helpful to take your child to a psychiatrist specializing in child and adolescent mental health for a medication consult. If you have questions about your child and want to talk to an expert about how to take the next step, call Dr. Heather Kuhl at (954) 391-5305 ext. 4 for a free consultation.