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How many times a day do you find yourself flooded with self-doubt and worry? You constantly question yourself and are plagued with a pervasive feeling that you must be WRONG in every way all the time. Or maybe you’re the need-to-know-for-sure type of person, so you ask a zillion questions and take to the internet to find answers that will hopefully give you a sense of relief. Has the need for reassurance become a constant chase for you? Well here’s a little reassurance to ease your anxiety…YOU’RE NOT ALONE! Reassurance seeking is one of the most common behaviors for those that struggle with anxiety. Whether it's a general anxiety issue, a social anxiety problem, or something like obsessive-compulsive disorder or trauma and stress-related disorder, we see habits of reassurance-seeking as a means of coping with the incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes scary concept of uncertainty. You may be a self-reassurer. This could mean you frequently check and recheck things around you. “Did I unplug my curling iron?” “Did I make sure the doors and windows are locked?” “Do I know where my keys and wallet are?” It could also mean that you check and recheck what’s going on with your body like your heart rate, your weight, a skin condition, or some other symptom you’ve become aware of (a lot of time this could lead to seeking reassurance on the internet). Self-reassurers are also the people that obsessively review conversations they have with others after the fact. Have you ever spent time looking in a mirror as you repeat what you said to make sure your facial expressions and body language looked ok? Or sat for a while going over the details of a text message to make sure you fully understand exactly what was said and also infer all of the possible unspoken details to prepare yourself for what’s coming next? Oof….it’s exhausting work. You may seek reassurance from others. This means you probably ask a lot of questions and request advice from the people around you before making decisions. You always want to be sure that things are ok in your relationships or that you’re doing a good job at work. Even though you are particularly gifted at anticipating different scenarios and outcomes, you still tend to need validation from someone else before you can make a move in any direction. Here’s the Problem with Reassurance Seeking Behavior While this may be a coping strategy for you that works as a stress reliever, the long-term impact is not great for you. It transforms quickly from just a thing you do from time to time to a thing you HAVE to do because you no longer trust yourself. Constantly seeking reassurance erodes your self-confidence. It actually makes your anxiety worse over time! Tasks that usually take a couple of minutes become hour-long endeavors as you search for the perfect way to execute them. You might even start to feel completely stuck and immobilized when you aren’t able to get the reassurance you’ve come to need. And let’s not forget how this impacts your relationships with others. Consider this: You ask for reassurance to make sure everything is alright between you and someone else because you genuinely care about this person and you fear losing them in your life. Initially, they are cool with it, but after some time of repeatedly doing this for you, they may become tired and irritated with it. They may start to distance themselves from you. Now it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy that just fuels your anxiety and insecurity even more. You don’t deserve this! Jump off the hamster wheel of recurring doubt, fear, and disappointment. Therapy Can Help! You’ll need to expose the roots if you want to overcome this behavior. That means you’ll need to build up your confidence by learning to trust yourself again. It also means you’ll have to build tolerance around the discomfort of not knowing and learn to accept imperfection. Working with a therapist can help you to tackle this from multiple perspectives. Quitting cold turkey isn’t the best strategy, in fact, that could cause more harm than good for you. Not to mention that’s extremely difficult to do. In therapy, you’ll gain insight into all the ways that you seek reassurance and identify the least distressing ones to start with. This is a gradual process. You know the saying “Rome wasn’t built in a day?” Well, trust isn’t either! It will take time and a good therapist will give you the support you need to work through the feelings that come up in a way that feels safe for you. Safety is key because as we know this behavior was born out of a need to feel secure. In therapy, you’ll explore the history behind your self-distrust. You’ll learn to recognize the difference between seeking information and seeking reassurance. You’ll develop new strategies for problem-solving on your own. And you’ll gain confidence as you uncover the strengths that live within you and put them to use in your life. To work with Nicole Ambrose, LCSW, give us a call today at 954-391-5305! Nicole provides counseling and EMDR Therapy in person at our beautiful Coral Springs office and online counseling through a secure platform across the state of Florida. Nicole is dedicated to helping adults of all ages to overcome barriers that interfere with their success and happiness. She will provide the support and guidance you need to rebuild or develop self-confidence. Anxiety and stress are a part of the human experience. There are too many factors in our world to ever completely eliminate this problem, but Nicole can teach you new healthy and efficient tools to help you better manage your day-to-day life.

Something that comes up often in therapy (and in my personal life for that matter), is boundary setting. I like to think of boundaries as a way that we keep ourselves safe and communicate our commitment to protecting ourselves to others. Boundaries are clear limits and guidelines that a person creates to identify reasonable and safe ways for others to behave towards them. Boundaries explain how you will interact, what you allow into your life, and how you spend your time. Boundaries also encompass how you will respond when someone passes those limits. Boundaries are learned at a young age and are learned through observation of those around us. While communicating what boundaries look and sound like can be helpful, the most common form of learning boundaries is through experiencing and seeing what healthy boundaries look and feel like as demonstrated by others. Boundaries are so important in relationships because without them people often can feel resentful, disappointed or like they are being taken advantage of. People with little to no boundaries also violate the boundaries of others and might become offended or upset when you set them - this does not mean you are wrong. I like to think of the saying: “Others can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves.” This statement applies to everything, but I think sheds light so accurately within the context of boundary setting. If nobody has set effective boundaries with me and I haven’t learned that they are designed to serve and support me, I may take offense, feel rejected, and become angry (because I haven’t gotten there yet, myself). So, now what? There are two parts to this: there is setting the boundary and then there is upholding the boundary is crossed. There is no such thing as a boundary if you lack follow-through. It is important to communicate what feels like an acceptable consequence if someone oversteps and violates the boundary you have communicated. The most common fears relating to setting boundaries have to do with some of our core, inner wounding. For example, others will abandon me, will not approve, reject me, will confront me about it, and/or, will speak poorly of me to others. People also very classically like to avoid conflict. In my experience, this is due to one of two things: 1. What I mentioned above: People become very uncomfortable because they are fearful something bad will happen as a result of standing up for themselves and standing their ground. 2. People struggle to sit with the discomfort that arises within them when they make others unhappy. Learning to sit with and witness your own discomfort is key. If others become upset with you as a result of setting your boundary, it is their responsibility to work through that discomfort - not yours to relieve them of it. This can be really hard if your typical response is people-pleasing. Different Types of Boundaries: Emotional Boundaries: “My weight, diet, or how I choose to eat is not something I am willing to discuss with you.” “I understand your opinion on X, we can agree to disagree and I would not like to discuss this further.” Time Boundaries: “I can stop by and stay for dinner, but after that, I will need to go home.” “I am not always near my phone, so I will respond when I get a chance.” Physical Boundaries: “Please don’t go into my room without asking first.” “I don’t feel comfortable with physical contact; can I please have some space?” Financial Boundaries: “I am saving money right now so I can’t go, but have fun!” “You can borrow X but I will need it returned by Friday.” Someone is Bringing up Something You Are Not Comfortable Talking About: “I know that you care and only want what is best for me, I just need you to respect that I don’t want to and am not comfortable talking about X. I want to spend our time talking about things that feel good for both of us.” When Feeling Resentful or Used When Someone Only Calls to Vent or Ask For Something: “I care for you and see that you are going through a really hard time right now. I definitely want to be there to support you, I’m just noticing there hasn’t been much space for me to share about my own life and the stuff that I have going on.” Helpful Mantras for Healthy Boundary Setting: “I will follow through with my own boundaries regardless of how others choose to respond to them. I set boundaries to protect and respect myself.” “Regardless of another person’s behavior, I will keep myself safe and in alignment with my own values.” If you are looking for additional support as you set and maintain healthy boundaries with yourself and others, contact me for your complimentary consultation. I’d be happy to answer any questions you have and discuss how I can help you move forward in a positive direction. Feel free to call me at 954-391-5305. I offer counseling in our beautiful Fort Lauderdale office and telehealth on a secure platform for those living in the state of Florida. For more information about me and my approach to therapy, please visit my page.

“She’s so bipolar!” “One minute he’s happy and the next he’s yelling and screaming. He must be bipolar or something.” “I just have these highs and lows.” At one point or another, we have all probably heard one of these comments or had similar concerns about ourselves or someone we know. First and foremost, it is completely healthy to have shifts in our emotions throughout the course of the day, from frustration while sitting in traffic during our morning commute to happiness as we sit down and have our first cup of coffee, quickly followed up by panic as we find out the meeting we have to present it has been moved up, and then sadness as we realize our empty social calendar and growing feelings of loneliness. Such fluctuations in mood can even occur within the course of a couple of hours and that does not necessarily mean there is anything clinically wrong with us. Despite the many benefits of social media platforms and several high-profile celebrities sharing their experiences with Bipolar Disorder, they have also contributed to several misperceptions regarding the illness and concern that any fluctuations in mood that deviate from “normal” must equate to a form of mental illness. So where does the line between normal and abnormal get drawn? What is Bipolar Disorder? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fifth Edition (DSM-5), Bipolar Disorder is an illness marked by unusual shifts in mood that affect a person’s functioning in various areas of their life, including employment, school, relationships, and self-esteem. Again, while we all experience moments of sadness or elation, the mood shifts that happen within the context of Bipolar Disorder are much more extreme, prolonged, and impairing. They are also accompanied by additional symptoms that will be discussed below. While the disorder used to be referred to as “manic-depression” given the belief that people with the illness would only fluctuate between mania and major depression, it has since been recognized that moods actually exist on a continuum between the two extremes/poles of mania and depression, leading to the updated term, Bipolar Disorder. Each person experiences what we call euthymic mood, or their emotional baseline. This refers to their personal “normal” when they are stable or not experiencing a mood episode. I use quotation marks given the highly subjective nature of what normal constitutes based on a variety of factors, including your cultural background, gender, and natural disposition just to name a few. By and large, euthymia is a state in which you experience a range of emotions that are appropriate to the context and do not repeatedly cause impairment in daily functioning. As we move farther from this center point of the diagram in either direction, we approach more extreme emotional states that reach clinical significance given the impairment they cause. Depression: To the left of the spectrum, we have Major Depression, frequently referenced in more casual conversation as simply depression to describe feelings of sadness. Surely feeling sad is something everyone can relate to but a person may be experiencing Major Depression when they feel sad nearly all of the day for most days during a period of at least a couple of weeks in addition to some combination of the following symptoms: loss of interest in activities they once found enjoyable (including being around people), changes in appetite/weight, decreased energy or motivation, feeling worthless or excessive levels of guilt that are more than just low self-esteem, difficulty thinking/concentrating/making decisions, and suicidal thoughts that can range from passively thinking life would be easier if you were no longer alive to actively developing a plan to end your life. Of note, some people experience a sad mood more in terms of feeling empty or without emotion while others experience it more as irritability. Additionally, it is not uncommon for individuals going through severe depression to experience psychotic symptoms, which basically refer to a break in reality in that they begin to see or hear things that are not present in the physical world (i.e., hallucinations) or develop strange, illogical beliefs (i.e., delusions) that may include feelings of paranoia. Dysthymia: When referring back to the above diagram, you can see reference to a term, Dysthymia, or low-grade depression. There are times when individuals experience an alteration in the mood when they are feeling sadness in a way that deviates from their usual mood but they either do not experience the accompanying symptoms or if they do, not to the level of severity or for the required length of time for it to be considered Major Depression. Some individuals experience this low-grade depression prior to or on their way to a Major Depressive Episode while others stop here and do not go on to experience more severe symptoms. Mania: If we look to the other side of the continuum, we see what is referred to as Mania and while this mood state has received more attention in recent years, I believe it is still much less understood (and even misdiagnosed) than Major Depression. According to the DSM-5, Mania is defined as a state of unusually euphoric or elevated mood that persists for at least one week (or less in specific circumstances). This is more than a feeling of happiness but rather feeling like you are on top of the world or high on drugs despite not taking any and is accompanied by a combination of the following symptoms: inflated self-esteem or grandiosity such that you believe you are more important than other people in a way you do not normally feel you are when not in a manic state, decreased need for sleep, talking more than you usually do and at a faster rate such that you might start tripping over your own words or feel pressured to keep talking, racing thoughts, distractibility, increased activity or difficulty sitting still, and excessive involvement in risky behaviors, such as substance use, gambling, sexual promiscuity, overspending, and reckless driving. Again, in extreme forms, individuals experiencing mania may present with symptoms of psychosis. Hypomania: A more attenuated form of Mania that people may experience either on their own or as they are beginning to swing into a full manic episode is called Hypomania, which consists of the same symptoms of Mania but in a less severe form and across a shorter period of time. Compared to Mania, people experiencing Hypomania experience less impairment and have more awareness of the changes happening within themselves, in turn creating more self-control when experiencing urges to engage in risky behaviors. Of note, when referencing a mood episode, what we are describing is a period of time in which a person experiences mild symptoms that build up to a peak in severity, followed by an attenuation of symptoms and improvement. Individuals diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder can not only present with variation in how their mood episodes present but also in the pattern that they experience them, with some going straight from a Manic Episode to a Depressive Episode without returning to their baseline in between while others experience either Hypomania or Dysthymia before reaching a Manic or Depressive Episode. Disclaimer: I hope the aforementioned information provides you with a basic understanding of what Bipolar Disorder is (and what it is not) given the many misperceptions and colloquial use of the term in mainstream society. It is not intended to be a checklist to diagnose yourself or someone you know, as there is no substitute for meeting with a qualified mental health professional who specializes in mood disorders to provide a proper diagnosis. It is important that the clinician gathers additional information before prematurely jumping to a diagnosis, such as any history of trauma, substance abuse, and/or medical conditions given several clinical syndromes can share overlapping symptoms. Despite the many advances in the mental health field over the years, we are not comparable to the medical field where a blood test or imaging results provide a quick diagnostic picture with fairly high accuracy rates. It is my professional opinion that many psychiatric conditions take time and attention to detail to diagnose given the complexity of human beings and tools at our disposal. I would caution against any clinician who provides a mental health diagnosis utilizing a check-box approach without sufficient follow-up despite living within a society that thrives on quick fixes. Just as you would want to put your trust in a qualified medical doctor to provide you with an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan, so should you with your mental health. Where To Go From Here: If after reading this blog you have concerns that either yourself or someone you care about may be experiencing Bipolar Disorder, the next step would be to reach out to a mental health professional who specializes in this area to help with diagnostic clarification. Treatment approaches have advanced significantly in recent years with a more holistic and person-centered approach to care. Essentially, this refers to recognizing the uniqueness of the person in that two people with the same diagnosis can present very differently in the way they experience their symptoms and their goals for treatment. It is important to find a clinician who elicits your input when it comes to developing a treatment plan, as it is your right to help decide what works best for you in a collaborative fashion. There has also been a shift in the field in terms of how we measure progress, with a greater emphasis on recovery, or the ability to function at an optimal level despite the illness rather than striving for a life free of reoccurrences of symptoms, a goal that many argue is self-defeating. By focusing more on recovery and resilience, we help people lead more meaningful lives and feel more in control of their future. By and large, treatment for Bipolar Disorder often entails both medication management and therapy aimed at, providing diagnostic clarification by examining your symptoms, developing a life chart that helps identify when you’ve experienced different mood episodes throughout your life in order to, pinpoint stressors that tend to lead to such episodes, and recognize patterns for your mood episodes. This will help us to prepare for future episodes and determine which coping skills to develop and/or strengthen to help prolong periods of stability and reduce the level of severity/impairment of mood episodes when they do occur. As a clinician with expertise in this area, I like to incorporate aspects of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), both of which are evidence-based treatments that can help achieve the aforementioned goals, as well as coping with the stigma often associated with Bipolar Disorder, manage co-occurring disorders (e.g., anxiety + substance use), and aid in longstanding interpersonal difficulties, including conflict with family. I would be honored to work with you or your loved one in their personal journey of recovery from Bipolar Disorder. Give me (Dr. Taylor Phillips) a call at (954) 391-5305 to arrange for a complimentary consultation today. I offer counseling in Coral Springs, Florida, and surrounding areas (Parkland, Coconut Creek, and Boca Raton).

Being in a romantic relationship comes with many joys and personal benefits. All relationships have good days and bad days, ups and downs, pros and cons and we need to accept our partners for who they are, right? Well, yes that is true, but what if accepting the “bad” comes at a personal cost to one’s well-being? Should we accept or tolerate someone’s unhealthy behaviors or malignant treatment towards us? As much as I discuss with couples the value of accepting our partners for who they are, quirks and all, I strongly advise reconsidering the relationship or partner choice if any of the following behaviors exist in your current relationship. There are many toxic behaviors that can exist in relationships and some of these behaviors can be improved upon if addressed. A toxic relationship can have signs of toxicity that are obvious and some that are more subtle. If you have ever been in a toxic relationship, you may connect to these behaviors. The following behaviors come to mind as more prevalent evidence of toxicity and can come at the cost of someone’s emotional or physical health. Walking on Eggshells: Walking on eggshells or avoiding communication due to fear of retaliation is a common sign of a toxic relationship. It makes sense to pick our battles and to let some things fall by the wayside. However, if you find yourself consistently storing things up, because of the fear of heightened negativity or anger in your partner, then you might be in a toxic relationship. Considering your partner’s feelings before speaking is a sign of respect and affection, but if you communicate your needs or feelings and your partner lashes out in anger/aggression, then this sets the stage for fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and lack of trust. While we want to build a culture of respect and consideration for one another, it is vital to regularly communicate things that are negatively impactful without one’s partner reacting with aggression. Communicating consistently about what works and what doesn’t is how couples grow and evolve. Control: Control is another sign of trouble. Now, I’m not talking about control with the little things like how to dry the sink or remembering to put the toilet seat down. The kind of control I’m referring to is about feeling like multiple areas of life are being stifled or hovered over by one’s partner. These life areas could be financial, social, familial, or interpersonal. If your partner will not let you look at household bills or if you aren’t easily able to see healthy friends and family, this could be a demonstration of how your partner is exhibiting unhealthy control. If your partner monitors what you eat, wear, or the places you go, this is definitely a sign that you are in a spider’s web and you need to break free! In a healthy relationship, we want to navigate life as a couple, but also as an individual with a sense of agency and autonomy. If you’re feeling restricted in the aforementioned areas, and those rights feel lost to you, you may be in a toxic relationship. Contempt: Overt disrespect might seem obvious as a sign of toxicity, but disrespect can be subtle and expressed in a variety of ways. Disrespect can look like contemptuous comments, humor at your expense, devaluing your thoughts/feelings, talking down about things that matter to you like your relationships, goals/values/belief systems, and outright criticism. Disrespect over a period of time and not understanding the behavior can have a lasting and damaging impact on our self–esteem and can lead to anxiety and depression. Any of these behaviors can be a sign of a toxic relationship. We may not always like what our partner says or does, however at the very least respect needs to be consistently demonstrated. When we feel like our partner values our feelings and needs, it’s a marker that our partner is putting in the effort to demonstrate respect. Abuse: Last but certainly not least, a huge hallmark of a toxic relationship is violence or abuse of any kind. When our partner becomes violent, they are violating our basic human right to live life without bodily harm. Violence, even emotional violence is about exerting power and control over someone else and instilling fear in the victim. Living with any amount of fear towards your partner, and anticipating pain or injury to one’s body or mind is an abuse of the worst kind. It is never the fault of the victim and there is no reasoning with someone who resorts to violence to express negative emotions. If your partner is abusive or has characterological violence, meaning they are violent or physical by nature, there is nothing for the receiving partner to do except run and get away as fast as you can (safely). This is a clear sign that you are not only in a toxic relationship but a dangerous one. It is important to note that not all toxic behaviors are created equal and as previously mentioned, some can be improved upon once brought into awareness. There are resources that are here to help. If you feel that you are caught up in a toxic relationship and do not know how to move forward, consider contacting a local professional to assist with your relationship, or individual needs to break free of toxic relationships for good! If you’re ready to work on improving your relationship with yourself, learning how to have a healthy relationship, or how to get out of an unhealthy relationship, contact me for your complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. I would be happy to speak with you about how I can help you move forward in a positive direction. I provide counseling online across the state of Florida via telehealth and in person at our Fort Lauderdale and Coral Springs offices. Click here to learn more about myself and my services.

Another year, another holiday season. Soon to follow, the New Year! Even if the holidays may still look a little different than you're used to, given the COVID-19 pandemic is still upon us, we still can begin to shift our focus to the New Year. Every year, I work with people facing the challenge of setting resolutions, new goals, and trying to go into the new year with an optimistic and prepared mindset. Although it's not always as easy as it sounds, there are ways to make it a smoother process. I know someone famous (bonus points if you know who) who once said “preparation is the key to success!” and I completely agree, so I've put together 5 easy hacks to help you prepare to face 2022 with confidence! 1 - Self-Reflection: Start out with some good old fashion self-reflection. Reflect on your year, as crazy as 2021 may have been. Ask yourself questions like “what was good, what did you accomplish, what do you want to work on, are there new things I want to do?” This is a great first step to get your focus shifting to what WAS and focus on what COULD BE! 2 - Out With The Old, In With The New: Clearing our emotional and physical space allows us to open up our minds and space for the new and improved material that we need and want for the new year. This can look different for everyone but a few good examples are cleaning out your closet, setting healthier/firmer boundaries, or donating old books. These tasks can allow us the room to create a new wardrobe that feels more like you, develop healthier relationships, and learn new things! Don't sleep on this hack, it’s very cleansing! 3 - Set Intentions: Something I have found to be helpful in the past is setting intentions vs resolutions. An intention is more of an idea, a concept you want to manifest into existence. A resolution usually consists of more hard-pressed plans to make big changes, often unrealistically. Setting an intention to be “healthier” in 2022 is something you can work on all year long vs setting a resolution to “workout 3x a week” which could likely get “broken” early into the year. So take a minute, explore what interests you and create solid intentions to start the new year right. 4 - Get Organized: For those of you who like things a little more literal, you can take those intentions and break them down into a more organized and tangible fashion. Setting “SMART goals” (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely) is a great way to prevent us from allowing our goals to get lost in translation with our busy lives and schedules. Make your intentions realistic and able to fit into YOUR routine, setting yourself up for success. Planners, journals, lists, and calendars are all great resources to help you stay organized with your New Year's intentions. 5 - Get Started: Don’t wait until January or February to begin implementing the changes you have planned for yourself. Start now. Maybe start small or take baby steps, but the sooner you start working towards your goals, the more accomplished you will feel. It also gives you the opportunity to tailor any of your goals that may not be working quite right, giving you more time to adequately prepare to start the New Year off just right! I know the holidays can sometimes be overwhelming, but they are also a time for us to reflect, rejuvenate, appreciate all we have, and all we are capable of. These hacks help us better utilize our time and energy, preparing for 2022 with ease and confidence. If you or someone you know wants help navigating the holidays and preparing for a productive and successful transition into the new year, therapy is an amazing resource to guide you through this process. Call Jamie Ratowski, LMFT today for your free 15-minute phone consultation at 954-391-5305 and get your therapy journey started. I offer online counseling via telehealth across the state of Florida and in person counseling at our beautiful Fort Lauderdale and Coral Springs offices. I look forward to speaking with you! Happy New Year!

The holidays tend to be an excellent time for slowing down the pace, regaining balance, and connecting with family and loved ones. It is a time when we are supposed to feel thankful for those who support us and give back to the people who make life meaningful. Unfortunately, the holidays can be the complete opposite of those with toxic family members. Dealing with overbearing parents, competitive siblings, a controlling spouse, or toxic family members can trigger the worst in us and put us into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. These situations that resemble past negative experiences can make us dread the holidays and the closeness that is forced on us. What should you look out for? One of the top complaints I get in the office is when parents (or in-laws) of my clients are judgmental, critical, and controlling. Do you have parents who want to dictate how they spend their time with you and act like the dynamic with you has never changed? Do they tend to disrespect boundaries and make off-handed comments about your past failures or your own parenting skills? Sometimes they even use their grandkids as pons in their manipulation ploys. They expect to still be the decision-makers in the kitchen, in the gift exchanges, and in what each family member is supposed to do. This can be an invalidating and depressing experience that tears you to the core and makes you feel stuck in self-doubt and deprecation. Another problematic scenario entails sharing the kids with your ex-partner's family over the holidays. This is especially difficult when you are newly separated or divorced, or when your ex-partner is highly angered, bitter, or spiteful about the breakup. They either want the kids exclusively to themselves to hurt you, or they want to outshine you by offering the most gifts or providing the most fun for your kids. The greatest downfall is that your kids could get hurt by hearing negative comments about their parents. It could put them in a position to choose a side and give up loyalty to one or both parents. Sharing the holidays with a family member struggling with an addiction can also be stressful. Your family member may be in denial and not accept any boundaries during the celebrations. They might be aggressive, rude, or physically abusive to you. They might manipulate the family for money, or they might be depressed and threaten to self-harm. This situation creates unpredictability and you’ve probably noticed that you are always on alert. The consequences are phony and unpleasurable moments, coupled with the tension of bending life to suit your family member’s moods. Now for those who have a narcissist in the family or someone who meets this description, the holidays can be threatening, constrictive, and frightening. In this family, not only are you fielding criticism, threats, insults, and even blackmail, but you are also dealing with the harassment of other family members who prefer to ally with the narcissist, not to be victims themselves. This is a highly toxic situation as it usually triggers PTSD from past abusive interactions, making you regress to the person you were years ago. The emotional stronghold is so intense that it paralyzes you from standing up or fighting off those harmful attacks. Nobody should have to be caught in these situations during the holidays! What can you do to prepare? 1. Plan how much (or little) you will interact Weigh the pros and cons of mixing with your family depending on the situation. Perhaps you can remain for the main event and skip the pre and post. Maybe you can stay active during the event and avoid getting into sensitive conversations with certain members of your family. Helping in the kitchen, playing with the kids, or even staying on positive topics could curb conflict. If you are coming with kids, make sure they too have things to do and are surrounded by the best people. They could walk the dog, or stay in a room and play, or watch a movie. 2. Identify and use your allies When you know you will be harassed or criticized by a particular family member, it is always good to plan ahead and make sure you have allies to help defend you during the family gathering. There are strengths in numbers, so sitting next to your favorite relatives or having friends nearby or a call away can help you gain the courage to face the unpleasant times. 3. Set realistic expectations It helps to prepare yourself and your feelings for a worst-case scenario and know how you want to react. Taking away the element of surprise gives you room to be creative with your responses and overall approach. For example, if you realize that certain people cannot help who they are and the behaviors they exhibit, you can start looking at them as the weaker person while you begin to feel like the stronger one. 4. Implement your coping skills When you need to sit at the table with those problematic relatives, you can still use some coping skills, like setting boundaries in conversations and how much you are willing to take before you stand up for who you are. But, again, it is crucial to stay in control of your emotions. Take breaks to calm down and breathe out anxiety, use the sandwich method to say "no," or deflect arguments by changing subjects and using humor. Try to stay in the moment so your mind does not wander to the past and resurfaces hurtful memories that instill doubt and fear. 5. Let go of the past As hard as it is, the process of letting go of your feelings from the past is the most helpful and healthy thing you can do. You choose not to be defined by that person’s judgment or criticism and start looking at yourself from your own perspective. You look at all your positives and how the people that mean so much to you view your worth. Positive self-talk about who you are, independent of what you are told, is vital for you to no longer be dependent on that toxic family member for validation. 6. Increase self-care before and after Often, the holidays end up being those few days you can finally rest from a busy year. Make sure you give yourself the time to actually stop and reflect on what you accomplished and on all the good things that came your way. One way to ensure that your holidays stay positive is to care for yourself, either by doing something you love or giving yourself the gift of friends, material things, or entertainment. Self-care is critical when you know you will need to deal with a stressful time. Having something to look forward to after the "difficult visit" can give you that extra energy and a good attitude to make it through. 7. Create a new experience Sometimes a past holiday experience can be so damaging that replicating it is out of the question. In these instances, the best option is to create a brand-new experience and make it a new holiday all your own. You can choose the people you care about (family or not) and start a new tradition that rebrands the occasion for everyone involved. You can select a different day, a different location, or a different name. You can be creative and build a celebration that helps you start fresh and move towards a brighter future. If you feel that you need assistance in maneuvering this time and want a better way of looking at your situation, a family therapist can help. A new perspective, coupled with coping skills and more assertive communication, can offer you the extra support needed to regain control of your emotions and help you revive your outlook. Call me today at 954.391.5305 for a complimentary consultation. I provide family counseling for teens and adults (in English and Portuguese) at our beautiful Coral Springs office. I also provide online counseling across the state of Florida. For more information about my approach to therapy, click here. I look forward to speaking with you!

Was your first thought reading the title of this article that “this article is way too good to be true?” You may be right! However, a tantrum is a NORMAL and EXPECTED part of toddlerhood. Let’s focus on minimizing them. Your toddler’s tantrums are a sign of healthy brain development. A toddler’s brain is exploding with activity and striving to understand everything they are experiencing. That includes putting their shorts on as a shirt in the morning and choosing the specific song to listen to. They have a lot of decisions to make to assert their independence. To make the process even more exciting, the part of their brain responsible for naming emotions, impulse control, thinking, reasoning, and logic is not close to being fully developed. It is called the prefrontal cortex and it is not fully developed until we are 25! Our toddlers are expressing all of their feelings through whines, screams, and bodily movements. Even though this is normal and means our child is developing well, why does it make us as parents feel like we are doing something wrong? The most important thing we can do as a parent is to ensure our child feels safe, both physically and emotionally. Here are a few tips to convey that: Get on Their Level Bending down and looking our children in the eye at their level changes the dynamics: we are now their equal. We are no longer seen as threatening, unlike when we stand high above them. Rather than looking up to be reprimanded, meeting our children where they are can de-escalate their tantrums immediately. Research shows that when children feel overwhelmed their brains make a shift into survival mode and anything that may be received as powerful may be seen as a threat. As the parent, you hold all the power (even though we may not feel like it). By lowering our body to their eye level, we allow our children to feel safe and improve their ability to regulate their emotions. Too Much Talk When children are melting down, this is not the time to teach them or attempt to negotiate with them. Their brain is in survival mode. They are not able to manage their emotions and are unlikely to learn something new at that moment. During this time, validate your child's feelings and focus on empathizing with them and what they are experiencing. When your child is having a tantrum, using reasoning and logic is not reasonable or logical! Instead of using this time to attempt to diagnose or solve the problem, use this time to connect with them and allow them to feel understood. Ways to do this include: identifying and validating their feelings, and staying present. Stay Calm Whatever you do, stay calm. Do not bring your own emotions into the situation. This can be tough, as we are dealing with our own problems in the day to day whether we just got home from work or missed our morning coffee. When we meet our toddlers' chaos with our own emotions, an escalation between us and our child begins. Engaging makes our toddlers' tantrums bigger and last longer. The strongest tool you can give your child is meeting their big feelings with a calm and confident disposition. At the moment, it may be helpful to scan our own bodies during a meltdown. We need to notice our own feelings and how the tantrum is making us feel. By identifying our own feelings, we can acknowledge and breathe through them or utilize another coping skill that works for us. In these challenging moments, we must remember we cannot control our child, we can only control ourselves and our reaction. Remember: Self-care is so important and serves as a preventative factor when we need to stay calm during a challenging toddler tantrum. Taking care of ourselves and having “me” time allows us to better respond at the moment to these tricky situations. Taking a yoga class, going for a walk, or a nighttime bubble bath can go a long way. Give A Choice Toddlers want more than anything to be independent and in control. They are just beginning to experience so many new and interesting things about the world and nothing is going to stop them! Providing opportunities for toddlers to make decisions and use their voice is not only something they will love but a way to connect and build your relationship with them as well. Giving choices can also help them develop problem-solving skills and learn to work collaboratively. When giving choices, stay within these two guidelines: age-appropriate and closed-ended. Age-appropriate means they do not decide when bedtime is or what is for dinner. But they can have a choice of what pajamas to wear or which cup they prefer. Closed-ended means not allowing the choice to be open-ended. Make sure to pick two choices that you are comfortable with. Once a choice is made, make sure to follow through. Your child must see that their choice and their voice have meaning and power. Parenting a toddler is tough. By using these 4 tips, you are guaranteed to get through the tough times a little easier. Thankfully, we are all in this together. Let me help guide you through this process. After we work together, you will truly feel like you got this! I invite you to call me for a complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. I offer counseling for children and coaching for parents at our beautiful Coral Springs office and via telehealth for teenagers and their families. If you want to learn more about my approach, click here.

“Our intention creates our reality.” -Wayne Dyer What exactly does it mean to live intentionally? Intention can be defined many different ways. Essentially it is the energy, focus, or attention we give to a thought, belief, or situation. Often, we don’t realize where we are directing our energy or focus. Do you find yourself constantly thinking about a problem you’re having? Replaying a negative scenario that may or may not have happened? These are just two examples of the way we tend to focus our energies, our intentions without realizing we are creating our reality in the moment. Before we can accomplish any action, there must be an intention. Yes, even in those cases where we get caught saying “Well that wasn’t my intention…” there was an intention for whatever action took place though we may not have been attuned to it at the time. In many cases, we go through life unaware of our intentions and the impact that they have on us and those around us. If we placed as much intention on what we want as we do on our doubts and negative thoughts, imagine how different our lives might be. What are the benefits of living intentionally? The benefits of beginning to live intentionally are endless. Here are just a few ways being intentional can improve your life: More control over your time- Being intentional about how you spend your time allows you to a) realize where you’re spending (or losing) most of your time b) begin to choose where you want to set your intentions or focus on c) begin to align your time with your intentions. More time on growing important relationships- Perhaps you’ve intended to focus on improving important relationships in your life. You’ll be more conscious about taking opportunities to connect or engage in activities that will strengthen these relationships. Balancing energy drains with energy replenishers- We all have people and situations in our lives that take energy from us. Think about those interactions or activities that leave you feeling depleted when you engage with them. Setting an intention to become more attuned to your energy drains can help you choose to eliminate them or find new strategies for managing them by setting the intention to become more attuned to your energy replenishers. Set an intention to notice those activities or relationships that uplift, invigorate, and pour back into you. Once you become more aware of your energy drains and your energy replenishers, you can set an intention on creating opportunities to balance them. Improved decision-making – Once you've begun to set intentions you can begin to make decisions in line with those intentions. If you're setting an intention to spend more time with your partner in the evenings, you'll be more apt to find ways to destress with your partner than say mindlessly playing games on your smartphone. Speaking of stress... Reduced stress- Simply reaping the benefits of the aforementioned results can significantly help to reduce your stress. Once you have more control over your time, are building and maintaining strong positive relationships, incorporate more energy replenishers into your life, and are more conscientious about your choices and decisions you'll find new ways to be intentional about becoming aware of your stressors and your choices around managing or eliminating them. How can I start living intentionally? There are two simple exercises you can try to experiment with setting an intention. You can record yourself reading the directions and play it back or listen to this MP3 download to guide you through the exercise. Exercise 1: While you’re engaged in some type of movement (this can be exercise, taking a walk or getting up from the couch during a commercial break to grab a snack), STOP! If you’re comfortable, close your eyes. Take a few moments to notice your breathing and settle into the moment. Envision your next move. Really concentrate on how you will move, where you will feel it in your body, the direction you intend to go in (backward, sideways, forward, etc.) Open your eyes and move the way you just intended. This may feel a bit awkward at first, but you set an intention and you moved in that direction. Take that idea and let’s expand it a bit for the second exercise. Exercise 2: Find a quiet and comfortable spot where you won’t be disturbed for at least 5-10 minutes. Write down a goal that you have (try to make this as realistic and attainable as possible). Close your eyes and start by focusing on the reasons why this goal is attainable and/or ways you can make it a reality. For example, if you’re focusing on relocating, some of the ways you can make this happen maybe by opening a savings account specifically for your move and beginning to deposit x amount of dollars each week or use the web to research potential job opportunities in this new location. Allow yourself to brainstorm the possibilities. Make a game of it and see how many ideas you can come up with. Now imagine that you have achieved this goal. What’s happening in your scenario? Where are you? How did you get there? How do you feel? What’s your expression? Who is with or near you? Go as deep into your scenario as you like. The more detailed you are, the more real it becomes for you. Open your eyes and set 1 or 2 intentions for this goal. What are 1 or 2 things you can intend for yourself today to help you move in the direction of this goal? The great thing about setting intentions is that they don’t have to be big or time-consuming. Setting an intention in the morning can be a powerful way to start your day. You may set an intention to be open to new relationships at work or to show more interest when your partner is sharing how their day went. Sometimes what we deem as “small” or “basic” can have the most profound impact on our lives over time. It’s also fun to reflect back on how our intention unfolded (maybe you found 5 minutes to talk to your new co-worker and realized you have similar interests or perhaps you learn something new about your partner that deepens your connection). Imagine how you can use that principle in your relationships, in your career, financially, etc. If you'd like more information about how psychotherapy or coaching can help you set intentions for your life, please call me at 954-391-5305. I’m very excited to hear about the great things you are intending for your life right now! I'm dually licensed by providing counseling and coaching for individuals and families in Fort Lauderdale, Florida as well as New York City.

Heartbreak is the worst pain imaginable. It is even more intense during the holidays. You want to spend the season with some yuletide cheer, but instead, feel more like the Grinch. You don’t want to kill everyone else’s joy (or at least not intentionally) but it would be nice to not feel so alone. You go through December counting down the days until the holiday spirit runs its course. The question is… will your heartbreak be over too? Unfortunately, no. Loss has no timeline. Heartbreak has no limits. Not to sound like a Debbie Downer, but the quicker we realize these truths, the quicker we can start your journey towards healing. It’s a journey that you must be open to. There will be struggles, hurdles, and setbacks, but keep on the path and there will be peace. So, where do we begin? Watch this video to learn more about how to cope with heartache during the holidays. Step One: Be Honest with Yourself The first step is to acknowledge that you’re hurting. It is time to stop putting up a façade and time to start acknowledging your truth. It allows you to feel some weight lifted off and allows people to see that you aren’t ok. Some people will be helpful and others not so much. It gives you the opportunity to see who is really in your corner and who is worth your time when you are in better spirits (and that is IF they deserve you). When we start to acknowledge our hurt, we can also see where progress needs to be made. Are you holding onto regret? Guilt? Unrealistic expectations? Understanding these questions, and having someone to help you with the answers, can create a better narrative than the one you are holding onto. It also helps to understand the type of loss you are feeling. For example, when we lose a loved one, it isn’t simply the person we miss. It could mean we are coping with the loss of the future we had planned. The loss of a routine or the loss of companionship. It is more complex and sometimes the pain goes way too deep to deal with alone. So, the holidays can be a very hard time, especially when you have shared traditions that are too heavy to do alone. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t. While it may seem impossible, it can help with the healing. It allows space to honor our lost loved ones (or memories) and gives new meaning to the tradition. It becomes a different type of connection that we miss dearly. While the first year can feel like daggers, over time they can feel less and less sharp. They can even become things we look forward to. I know it sounds impossible, but I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn’t go through the process myself and if I didn’t see countless others go through it as well. Step Two: Create realistic plans – Don’t push Yourself too hard After we move from avoidance to acknowledgment, we must start the work. It is easy to dwell in heartbreak, it is harder to work with it. This requires us to start doing the things that we have neglected in pain. Most often we neglect ourselves. We use whatever energy we do have (in most cases, not a lot) to do things that are not necessarily important, especially during the holidays. We know that people will want to spend time with us during the holidays, share about their year, etc. If you’re grieving, this can feel like extra pressure and can drain your energy. So, my tip to you is... start creating plans that work for YOU. It is ok to say “no, thanks” or “maybe next time.” You don’t have to push yourself too hard, too fast to appease others. This is your time to heal, and if you don’t find socializing all that helpful, then don’t. Now, I am not saying to COMPLETELY isolate yourself in the process. What I AM saying is to find a pace that works for you. If you are ok with one-on-one lunches every other week, then start there. If you prefer a group setting, that is fine too. You don’t have to say “yes” to everyone, in fact, even if you aren’t grieving you should be ok with saying “no.” Other than socializing, we need to focus on our self-care. Again, you don’t have to be at 100%, but you need to be taking care of your basic needs. Especially eating and sleeping, since those two are usually the most affected. So make sure to eat at least three average size meals a day. They don’t have to be 5-meal courses, they can be something small. As long as your body has something balanced and nutritious. With sleep, try creating a bedtime routine that will help you feel better in the nighttime. Sound machines, reducing phone usage, and journaling before bed can help. Step 3: Find What Makes You Happy During the Holidays Finding happiness right now might seem like an unattainable dream. But it is possible when we think about what happiness means. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being. There can be pockets of time where we feel good, relaxed, or maybe even joyous. Being happy/content/or whatever word you want to use, doesn’t mean we are neglecting our grief or heartbreak. It simply means we are giving ourselves time to breathe. To not dwell or stay within the pain. We are simply looking to feel like ourselves again. In saying all of that, it is important to think about what makes you happy during the holidays. It could be trimming your Christmas tree, enjoying time with friends, walking around viewing the lights, etc. It can be as big as you want or as small as you want. Granted, celebrating can be hard. I am not saying it won’t be. However, there is still joy that can be found, you simply need to try. Try something new. Like making hot cocoa bombs, baking cookies, or watching a holiday movie. It gives you something to do that takes your mind off the heartache. If you have something that you do like and it does make you happy, give it a try! Now, you don’t have to do EVERYTHING that you used to do during the holidays. Remember, we don’t need to push ourselves too hard. The point is to find a balance between doing nothing and doing everything. Plus, for me, all I ask is that you try. Trying shows that you are willing to work the steps. That you want to find yourself again. That person who feels good. A person who accepts that some days have been better than others. The person who knows that their heartbreak won’t be forever. If you feel that you might need some help. Advocate for yourself. That is ok too! There are plenty of therapists who specialize in working in heartbreak, like myself, who want to get you to be the BEST version of yourself. So that next year, you can have that yuletide cheer too! My Holiday Wish for You! While I do love the holidays, I know it can be hard for those dealing with heartbreak and grief. That is why it is important to focus on what is going to work for you. Holiday guilt (meaning feeling guilty for feeling like a grinch) is not a pressure that you need to take on. You need to focus on yourself, your heartbreak journey, and what brings YOU joy this holiday. So, it is ok if you feel like the grinch because hopefully, your heart will also grow three times as big when you heal from your heartbreak. My holiday wish for you is to find what makes you feel happy, loved, complete, and at peace. I know if you do the work, that wish will come true. If you need additional support navigating the holidays or struggling with grief, contact me for your complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. I’d love to connect with you and discuss how I can help you move forward in a positive direction. I offer counseling online across the state of Florida and in person at our Fort Lauderdale and Coral Springs location. For more information about my services, click here.

Relationships are not always easy. However, if you struggle with commitment phobia and/or relationship anxiety, relationships can be even more difficult. Relationship anxiety, or commonly known as fear of relationships, can actually translate to commitment phobia, however, they are two separate entities. Commitment phobia presents itself as a very common concept. Commitment phobia looks like a problem with staying in relationships for the long haul. Here are a few signs that can help you discern whether you struggle with commitment phobia. You may have commitment phobia if... You’ve been in multiple relationships that appear committed, but never quite make it to the next step of getting married. You’ve lived with multiple partners but haven’t stayed with one partner for the long haul. You haven’t sustained a relationship longer than a few weeks or months. You’ve never introduced your family or friends to a romantic partner. You’ve been unfaithful in past relationships. People with commitment phobia can experience love. However, if you’re dating someone with commitment phobia, the more serious and deeply you fall in love with them, the quicker you’ll realize your partner is already one foot out the door. It can be traced to some relationship anxiety, however, those with commitment phobia really do have a fear of being totally, completely committed to one person, indefinitely. The causes of commitment phobia are endless varying from childhood attachment issues, trauma and/or abuse, or unhealthy past relationships with partners. Therapy plays a major role in helping this said commitment phobia partner realize particular patterns, while also reinforcing new constructs that not all relationships are perfect, and vulnerability and truth can deepen connections between two people. Now, relationship anxiety is another common destructor of happiness. Because ideally, once you’re in a relationship, granted you’ll have to work at it, that can be the greatest source of stability and joy you foster. But if you struggle from relationship anxiety, every date, relationship milestone, and especially disagreements can be overwhelming. Coming together warrants a bit of anxiety because you’re opening up to another person, you’re being vulnerable. But if you’re in a constant state of anxiety when it comes to your partner and the relationship, you may have to reassess. Worrying why your partner hasn’t responded to your text from four hours ago, replaying the disagreement you had two nights ago, yearning for a time machine to go back and swallow your words, these are all warning signs you may be in a deep state of relationship anxiety as opposed to love. Feeling your best and being at ease with your partner is the end goal, being consumed with fear or running thoughts about the state of your relationship is exhausting and undue stress and pressure on your body. If you or your partner are struggling with either of these issues let’s work together to strengthen your connections and relationships! Call Dr. Kate Campbell today at 954-391-5305 to set up an appointment. Dr. Kate provides counseling for individuals, anxiety treatment, and couples therapy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Have you been trying to get a loved one to break their drug or alcohol addiction, but often forget to take care of yourself? Do you always put their needs ahead of your own? It’s common that when people are caring for a partner, family member, or friend with an addiction they forget to take care of their own needs, and find themselves frustrated, exhausted, and out of control. Self-care is one of the best ways you can help yourself and help your loved one. Here are some ways you can stop enabling your loved one and make sure you start getting your life back on track: 1. Don’t make excuses. If you lie and cover for their mistakes to protect them, they’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You’ll find yourself having to lie repeatedly, and it will take a toll on your mental health. Let them take responsibility and ownership for their behavior, even if it’s not the decision you would make. You’ll feel better for not having to lie and when they make healthy decisions and decide to seek help to get sober, it will be worth celebrating. 2. You can’t make them change. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be able to force your loved one to change. They will have to be the one who decides to make positive changes for themselves. If you keep pushing, you might push them away and be the one who feels the most pain. While you shouldn’t be forceful or pushy, it is important that you encourage them to seek treatment. Remember, don’t blame yourself for their decisions or behavior if they don’t choose to get help. 3. Don’t try to rescue or fix them. There is only so much you can do to support a loved one with a drug or alcohol addiction. You want to avoid spending all of your time focused on their needs and forgetting about your own. While it may feel like you are abandoning them if you back off, they have to be the ones to take control of their own life. Spend some time on self-care, and focus on fixing what you do have control over in your life. 4. Don’t make empty threats. It’s important to set clear boundaries from the very beginning and stick to them. If you haven’t done so already, set aside time to have a conversation about what you plan to do moving forward. If you establish rules and don’t follow through, they can take advantage of you and keep crossing those lines. Try using a 3-strike system; let them know what the rules are and after they’ve struck out for the third time, stick to the consequences you’ve put in place. This allows for some flexibility and setbacks while helping you stay in control. This system will help you be able to live your own life and not be caught up in theirs. 5. Let them hit rock bottom. Allow them to make their own choices, even if it’s not what you consider to be the “right” choice. Also, not everyone’s rock bottom is the same. For example, prison maybe your rock bottom, but it might not be your loved ones. It’s important that your loved one is allowed to choose their own path because it will have to be their decision to get the help they need to recover. After they’ve hit rock bottom, offer encouragement and support, but don’t let yourself be a crutch. Not only is it OK to put yourself first, but you should also put your needs first! If you feel guilty for allowing your loved one to make bad decisions, remember you can’t force them to change and you can’t make decisions for them. If you need help focusing on your own needs and learning to cope, Bayview Therapy offers therapy to those struggling with drug addiction, as well as their loved ones who are in need of support and guidance. Dr. Heather Violante provides addiction treatment and counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Florida for adults and their loved ones. Dr. Heather Violante, Psy. D.

At the beginning of each new year, there’s a lot of buzzes around making resolutions, setting new goals, and becoming your best self. But when you are struggling with depression, even the smallest tasks can feel overwhelming. It may be difficult to face your day and set goals for yourself. Here are some tips on how to set and achieve goals when you have depression. Set Small Goals People often feel intimidated by the number of things they have to get done on their “to-do” list. If you’re in this boat, start off small - really small. For example, set a goal like taking a shower, changing out of your pajamas, eating a piece of fruit, or going for a 5-minute walk. Don’t even think about other tasks until you’re ready to get to them. Once you’ve taken this first step, feel proud of your accomplishment and of yourself. This feeling will help motivate you for your next task. Make sure you don’t overwhelm yourself by setting too many goals at one time or goals that are too extreme or daunting. If you set a goal and it feels too overwhelming, change your goal to something more achievable or simply break it down into simpler steps. Set a Theme Setting a theme will help you achieve a larger goal by carrying out small, realistic tasks that guide you in a particular direction. Is there something you want to be better at? Do you want to learn something new? Have better relationships? Set small tasks that will help you achieve this. Make sure your larger goal isn’t too vague. For example, rather than setting your goal as “general wellness,” you could say, “I want to treat myself with respect and care” or “I want to try new things outside of my comfort zone.” The tasks that you set to help you achieve this goal should be well-defined. For example, instead of saying “I’m going to be more mindful,” set the task of practicing guided meditation for 5 minutes. If you want to have better relationships in general, then instead of saying you’re going to call loved ones more often, set the task of calling one person starting today. Take Things One Day at a Time Don’t look that far into the future. Set your goals on a day-to-day basis. If you start setting goals for tomorrow or next week, you may end up feeling overwhelmed. Set at least one goal for today, no matter how small it is, and when you accomplish it, feel good about yourself and set the next goal. If you are feeling more motivated, you can set two or three goals for today. Don’t bite off more than you can chew, because if you don’t end up completing the tasks you set for yourself, it can backfire and lead to self-criticism. Don’t Go it Alone Everyone, whether you have depression or not, needs a support system. When you’re struggling with depression, it’s even more important that you seek out support. Ask a friend or someone you trust to help motivate you and hold you accountable. Tell them what your goals are so they can help motivate you and make sure you’re not making excuses for yourself. If you know someone who is in a similar situation and whom you trust, you can set goals together, keep track of each other’s progress, and hold each other accountable. Be Kind to Yourself One of the most important things you can do is be kind to yourself. If you are having a hard day and unable to carry out the tasks you set, don’t beat yourself up. Be gentle and positive and actively challenge yourself by saying things like, “I can do this,” “this is worth it,” and “I am worthy.” Be mindful of negative self-talk and thoughts, self-criticism, shame, guilt, etc. If you are continuously hard on yourself, it can turn into a pattern or habit, and eventually, become more difficult to think positively or even become motivated. Depression is one of the most common mental illnesses in America and often goes untreated. If you or someone you know is suffering from it, it’s important to seek out help. Dr. Heather Violante, Psy.D. specializes in supporting those who have depression, as well as their loved ones. Contact her today to learn how she can help you find inner peace and happiness. Dr. Heather Violante provides depression treatment and depression therapy in Fort Lauderdale, Florida for adults and their loved ones.