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Many people seek therapy looking for the meaning of life, grasping at the meaning of their life. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What is the reason for all of this? If you search the depths of your heart you may come up with answers like human connection, self-expression, generosity, love, or success. Whatever you feel resonates most with you, the one thing that all of these have in common is a feeling of warmth and satisfaction, an intangible yet intoxicating sensation of yes, this feels good. This… is pleasure. So, what is the actual definition of pleasure anyway? How can I know if I am experiencing it, not to mention getting enough of it if I don’t even know what it means? According to Merriam-Webster, pleasure is, “a state of gratification, frivolous amusement, a source of delight or joy.” Can you remember the last time you felt delight? How large of a part has frivolous amusement played in your life lately? Right, that’s what I thought. With the mounting pressures of an overly complex world, pleasure seems to take more and more of a backseat in our endless to-do list of responsibilities and priorities. Knowing however, that overall balance is key to mental well-being and life satisfaction in the long-term, it’s time to put pleasure back in the spotlight. American culture, as well as many other cultures around the world have put an increasing emphasis on people’s accomplishments. These accomplishments are often measured by external factors like the clothes you wear, the car you drive, the number of “0’s” in your bank account, or letters after your name. With the pressure to learn more, achieve more, earn more, there seems to be less and less time to experience joy and pleasure. And after all, isn’t that what all that work is for anyway?! To give us the stability and opportunity to enjoy ourselves? Unfortunately, the drive to achieve and gain often turns into an empty loop of “more,” or, “I’ll be happy when…” that fun, delight, and pleasure get crowded out of our lives or seem to exist in perpetuity just over that next hill. It is important to understand that there are many kinds of pleasure available to us every day so try not to get too caught up on an ideal of pleasure having to be expensive or grandiose. Opportunities surround us all the time, we just need to pay attention. For example, that first bite of food when you are starving. The feeling of crawling into your bed after a long day. A new movie coming out that you are dying to see. How about when your dog jumps up on the couch and curls up beside you? Or when your child says, “I love you!” Though it is easy to see how major life events or accomplishments can be a source of pleasure, in actuality it is the little things like this that create a life rich with joy and fulfillment. Being overwhelmed by daily demands or mental health struggles like depression, anxiety, or trauma can cause a numbness to pleasure, an immunity to the “warm fuzzies” that make life worth living. A common assignment I give my clients is to document three positives from each day before they go to sleep at night. With a world so threatening and demanding, we become pros at spotting the dangers and the negatives and slowly become blind to the positives, which I like to call, “glimmers.” Make no mistake, we are surrounded by a fairly even balance of both every day, positive and negative. It is what you choose to notice and focus on that dictates your life experience. This task forces the brain to become more sensitive to the glimmers as it consciously scans your day and interactions seeking something to document each night. It re-sensitizes you to the positive, and even encourages you to create some glimmers of your own in an effort to complete your assignment. Some of my other favorite “glimmers” are: When you slow down and allow someone to enter the highway in front of you, and then notice the faint outline of their hand come up through their rear window in the universal, “Hey, thanks man!” signal. Or when someone goes out of their way to hold a door open for you, or looks you right in the eye and says, “Thanks!” when you do it for them. Then there is the gardenia bush I pass by when I’m walking my dog in the morning and for a split second, I can almost swear I am in my grandma’s lap watching Saturday morning cartoons. What about the heaven of that first sip of overly priced iced coffee as the sweetness dances on your tongue and you tingle with excitement of the caffeine rush to come? To me, this is pleasure. It is easy to see how the grand events in life can bring joy, like the promotion at work or birth of a child, but it is these tiny details, these glimmers that compose the story of our lives. How to create opportunities for more pleasure in life (aka “glimmers”): When in doubt as to which rock to look under to find pleasure, I encourage you to tune into your senses, the simpler the better just like the examples above. Another great way to create a sense of gratification and connection to the world and your purpose is acts of service. As Ghandi said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service to others.” And remember you don’t have to volunteer for forty hours per week to be of service. An act of service can be taking the extra time to tell someone they did a great job or being intentional about making eye contact and smiling when you pass someone in the grocery store. An act of service is any action in which you go out of your way or step out of your comfort zone to make someone else feel good. Sometimes nothing brings more pleasure for you than creating it for someone else. And keep in mind, depression and anxiety can be very self-centered states in which it is often hard to see beyond the bubble of your own unhappiness. Assisting or bringing delight to someone else can be a great step toward popping that bubble and rejoining the world around you. Now that you’ve got a pretty darn good idea of what pleasure is and how simple it can be to find it and create it, an important point must be made… to experience pleasure you must first believe that you are worthy of it. Ask yourself, “Do I deserve happiness?” “Am I allowed to feel proud?” “Do I get to have butterflies in my belly, the warm blush of flirtation, or wild giggles of excitement?” Make no mistake, pleasure must be claimed and to do so you must have an innate sense that you are worthy of it. And this is where therapy can be particularly helpful. Our feelings of worthiness are rooted deep into our early life experiences in what we observe in our homes, our relationships with our primary caregivers, what is written on our souls long before we ever have a choice of our own. Speaking with a therapist can help you unravel the tangles of a life hard lived to help you accept the fact that, YES you too deserve to feel good. Not because you are a surgeon, or a minister, or a supermodel. Simply because you are here. You are a living, breathing soul on this planet who has just as much a right to be here as anyone else. A trained therapist can help you find your value, your worthiness of pleasure. Together they can guide you on spotting the “glimmers” in your own day-to-day life. According to the infamous poet and playwright, Oscar Wilde, “Pleasure is the only thing one should live for, nothing ages like happiness.” If you want to learn more about how to boost your self-esteem, worthiness, and reclaim pleasure in your life, contact Sara Speed, LMHC today for your complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305! Sara is located at Bayview Therapy in our brand new, beautiful Plantation office (near Davie, Southwest Ranches, and Weston). She helps adults overcome anxiety, depression, trauma/PTSD, and more through counseling and EMDR therapy… She also is a Certified First Responder Counselor who works with First Responders and their loved ones.

Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest time of a woman’s life! Contrary to what most people believe or portray, pregnancy can bring a mix of emotions, many of which are negative and a real blow to one’s self-esteem. It can be a time of fear, confusion, stress, and worry. This is not uncommon and it’s important for you to know that you are not alone. Pregnancy can feel even more overwhelming if you're feeling anxious or depressed. Mood swings are also very normal during pregnancy. If you feel nervous or down all the time or even some of the time, that could be a sign something more could be happening with an underlying mental health issue. For first time moms or even second or third time moms, the stress over being a parent, the changes in your body during the pregnancy, and everyday life worries can feel like a burden. Often anxiety and depression are not diagnosed properly or simply overlooked during pregnancy. Many times, medical professionals brush off these symptoms relating them to just “hormonal imbalances”. Let’s discuss depression and anxiety during pregnancy so you can better understand what it is, identify the signs and symptoms, and learn strategies for how to cope with a perinatal mood disorder. What is anxiety and depression during pregnancy? Depression during pregnancy is a mood disorder just like clinical depression. A mood disorder is a mental health condition that primarily affects your emotional state. It is characterized by a persistently depressed or saddened mood or loss of interest in activities that are causing significant impairment in daily life. During pregnancy, hormone changes can affect the chemicals in your brain which are directly linked to anxiety and depression. Anxiety is a biological reaction characterized by intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. According to the American Congress of Obstrictirans and Gynecology, between 14-23% of women will experience anxiety or depression during pregnancy. What are the signs and symptoms of anxiety and depression during pregnancy? Anxiety is a feeling of worry or fear over things that could happen. The most common signs of anxiety include: Constant worrying Restlessness Muscle tension Irritability Feeling dread Inability to concentrate Difficulties falling asleep due to worries Panic attacks Depression is sadness or feeling down or irritable for weeks or months at a time. Some common signs of depression in pregnancy are as follows: Persistent, uncontrollable sadness Difficult in concentrating or focusing Sleeping too much or too little Lost of interest in normal activities Thoughts of harming yourself or recent thoughts of death Feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and worthlessness Change in eating habits Anxiety and depression can be experienced simultaneously together or each on their own. Some women feel distressed or guilty for having anxious and depressive symptoms when everyone else expects them to be happy. These feelings are serious mental health conditions and are not a sign of weakness. How can you manage anxiety or depression during pregnancy? How can you get help? If you are feeling anxious or depressed, it’s important to talk to a doctor, counselor, or therapist and get help right away. The sooner treatment begins, the sooner you will start to feel better. Here are some options that can help you manage depression or anxiety during pregnancy: Talk therapy is an effective solution to help manage mental health concerns while pregnant. Talking one-on-one with a therapist can be a positive way to manage stressors, deal with depression, and ease anxiety. This is a non judgemental space where you can be heard and understood. It’s best if you can find a therapist who is an expert in maternal mental health or even a certified mental health counselor since they will have specific training and expertise to help you. Finding a support group where you can share your concerns, emotions, and thoughts with other mothers who are experiencing the same as you could also be helpful. There are many support groups available such as Postpartum Support International. Prescription medications are another solution to manage anxious and depressive symptoms during pregnancy and during the postpartum period. I encourage you to have a conversation with your doctor or psychiatrist about your emotions, thoughts, and symptoms to determine if medication is the right solution for you. Many medications exist that are safe for your baby that will help you in this time of need. Your doctor will be able to establish a healthy treatment plan that is best for you and your baby. Other approaches that pregnant women could find comforting or helpful are activities like yoga, exercise, and meditation. Also, talking to a friend, family member, or other supportive moms could be beneficial. Don’t let depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns become a barrier to getting the medical care you absolutely need for yourself and the health of your baby. It is extremely important if you or your loved one has any of these issues that you get help from an expert so you can enjoy your experience during your pregnancy. If you feel that you are struggling with anxiety or depression while pregnant, I invite you to contact me for your complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. I provide online counseling via phone or video for those who reside in the state of Florida and in-person sessions at our beautiful Fort Lauderdale location. Talk to you soon!

Understanding emotions is something that is pretty tricky for most people. Most of us group emotions, feelings and identity (who we believe we are) into one singular definition. This grouping of concepts often causes us to internalize the way we feel. For example, sometimes the way we feel becomes more of who we are and less what we are merely feeling and experiencing in any given moment. In order to regain our power and separate our identity from our emotions and feelings, we need to first understand the difference. Emotions are physiological experiences. We feel and express emotions physiologically through the body. This happens through our external and internal worlds and what I like to refer to as our “emotional reality.” Emotions are vastly impacted by an individual’s past experiences and therefore no two people can experience the exact same emotional reality. This makes everyone’s unique experience valid… unable to be disputed because for us, it is our truth. Each of us sees the world through a very specific lens, based on relationships, upbringing, security, access to resources, safety, etc. Because emotions are physiological, we often can identify something as anxiety, for example, as being felt in the body through sensations such as heart racing, dizziness, or sweating. The ability to identify the difference between emotions and feelings is step one to freeing ourselves from internalizing them and moving away from defining ourselves by our feelings as well as increasing ego consciousness. Now that we’ve identified emotions as a physiological experience, we need to define feelings. Feelings are our conscious experience of emotions. Feelings are when we identify what we are feeling or experiencing in our body and begin to form thoughts about that and what that means. Oftentimes, we notice catastrophizing with feelings, meaning that the feeling takes on a life form of its own as we attempt to predict or control the future based off of our emotions (which are influenced by our past experiences) and our feelings (which are our conscious experience of these emotions). Where many of us begin to feel stuck in our emotions is when we begin to identify ourselves as the emotion itself. How often have you heard or even said yourself “I am angry” or “I am depressed”. Doing this requires us to speak in the context of having already become the emotion. Emotions are something all of us experience but they do not define who we are. The next big question is: so, what do I do about it? Notice Your Language: Earlier in this blog, I talked about becoming the emotion when we say things such as “I am depressed.” Rather than doing this, we can say things such as “I feel angry.” This helps us step out of a storyline that allows our emotions to define who we are and points out that they are something that we experience, but are not defined by. Notice Your Focus: Do you notice yourself hyper fixating on the negative? Or do you notice yourself replaying scenarios in your mind, talking scenarios over constantly with different family members or friends? When we replay things either in our mind or out loud, we are experiencing nervous system activation and conditioning. The nervous system can become very accustomed to this activating experience which is where we notice people saying that they feel stuck or out of control in their thoughts/habits. In becoming more aware of your focus, attempt to notice and simply observe what occupies your attention before shifting into something different. Notice the Physical: Developing a connection to your body and its physical sensations helps you to be more in tune with what is going on beneath the surface. For example, if my heart begins racing, I have an opportunity to check in with myself. Am I consciously connected to my body or am I spacing out, do I feel emotionally or physically unsafe, or have I been thinking or stressed about anything specifically? Notice what happens if you can talk to yourself with language like the following: “I notice I am feeling stressed… I notice tension in my shoulders and jaw and notice how difficult this may be… Today, I choose to breathe into this tension and after a few minutes, redirect my attention by stepping outside for some fresh air.” Familiarize Yourself with Your Emotions and Reframing: I like to suggest starting a journal where you can just take a moment to check in with yourself before bed. This is an opportunity to practice the shift in language from “I am angry” to “A part of me feels angry” or “I am feeling angry”. This can help open the door for the reinforcement of “I am not that emotion, part of me is experiencing that emotion right NOW.” If you are looking for one-on-one support, and want to learn more about expanding consciousness and understanding how to better manage your emotions and feelings, I’d love to help. I invite you to contact me for a complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. I provide counseling for adults in our east Fort Lauderdale office as well as online therapy via our secure telehealth platform. For more information about my approach or my services, click here.

Think about the last time you relaxed. What were you doing? You might have been taking a walk, a bike ride, or a yoga class. Or it was when you were enjoying a night out with friends. Or perhaps it was when you were curled up on the couch watching the latest sci-fi psychological thriller. Maybe that sounds like a relaxing night. If you are anything like most people, we often associate relaxation with things we enjoy doing. But sometimes these enjoyable activities are quite the opposite of relaxing. Consider the above examples. These have all been identified as relaxing by various clients with whom I've worked. And while I can imagine them (and myself) enjoying these activities, I also notice a similar aspect that might not feel particularly relaxing: physiological arousal. That's a mouthful, physiological arousal. It basically refers to how our bodies respond to certain situations and experiences. For example, your breathing gets shorter and faster when you exercise. When your heart beats stronger during an exciting moment, either on the screen or in real life. A thrilling story, a winning poker hand, even periods of dreaming involve physiological arousal. So what does this have to do with relaxation? To be relaxed is to be at a low level of arousal. Slower breathing and a measured heart rate are common characteristics of being relaxed, as well as being relatively free from distraction and emotional distress. If our intention is to be relaxed, it can be extremely difficult to do that if our bodies are doing the opposite. That is, physiological arousal and relaxation just don't mix. Having fun and doing enjoyable activities are an important part of self-care, and the benefits from this kind of behavioral activation are not to be minimized. However, relaxation is a kind of skill beginning with an intention and ending with a practice of specific behaviors and interventions. While relaxation can look like a variety of things, relaxation often results in: Slower heart rate Slower, calmer breathing Quieter mind/thoughts A focus on the present moment (as opposed to the past or future) What sorts of activities tend to result in the above aspects of relaxation? Some examples are meditation, deep breathing, and guided imagery. While these exercises tend to result in a state of relaxation, we can definitely expand what relaxation might look like. Knitting, coloring, journaling, listening to music, and yes even TV and movies can be relaxing. As long as the activity brings down your physiological arousal and brings your attention to the present moment, chances are you are relaxing. If this seems pretty straight forward, then why am I making a big deal of it? It’s simple: relaxing has become confused and muddled with mindlessness. It’s common for us to think that if we aren’t working, we must be relaxing. But during the course of working with clients, I’ve learned relaxation does not simply happen, and it is certainly not a passive experience. Relaxation must be intentionally sought after and consistently practiced. All too often my clients are shocked when they come to understand their usual ways of relaxing may in fact be working against them. While relaxing activities can be enjoyable, not all enjoyable activities are relaxing. So relax, and enjoy yourself… There’s time for both, and you deserve both. When you decide it’s time to relax, then relax mindfully with intention. If you’re struggling with stress, anxiety, depression, or trauma/PTSD and finding it difficult to relax or destress, I’d love to assist you. Contact me for a complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. Counseling can help you understand what’s getting in the way and how to help yourself connect with a sense of calm, peace, and happiness. I provide counseling for adults in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and Coral Springs, Florida. I also provide online therapy via our secure telehealth platform for those who reside in the state of Florida.

Thinking your way through a stressful or triggering situation doesn’t work for everyone! Those of you that have lived a particularly traumatic life and now struggle with what feels like constant anxiety and stress may find it INCREDIBLY difficult to cope using your mind and thoughts. Many of you might notice that when you get anxious or stressed, you tend to become physically immobilized while your brain is running a marathon that leads you nowhere - just desperately wanting a way to feel better. You try and try to think it through or talk it out, but you’re left feeling stuck - and it’s at that point that you start to wonder if something is really wrong with you. Why is it so hard? Why are you so different from “normal” people? What the heck is going on with your brain? You are not permanently broken! So start by taking a few deep breaths and grab a drink of water. Let’s go on a journey together to understand the impact of stress and trauma on the brain. The Neuroscience of Trauma and Stress When a person is subjected to a stressful event or circumstance, the brain and nervous system kick into action not only for survival in the moment but also to learn how to survive future scenarios. The stress-response begins in the amygdala - a part of the brain responsible for recognizing danger and sounding the alarm to the rest of the brain and body to protect you. This is also known as the fight-or-flight response. Its main agenda is survival by whatever means possible. It shuts down parts of your brain and body to preserve energy so that you can respond to whatever danger has been perceived. You might physically fight off the danger. You might run away if that’s an option. If it’s not an option, then you might fawn, or go along with whatever the circumstance is to get through it. Or you might completely freeze. This is a response that we all have to stress. Once the perceived threat is no longer there, the brain and body shift into what’s called rest-and-digest mode to allow you to recover from it. But what happens when a person endures repeated trauma or ongoing stress in their life? Simply put, the amygdala and the sympathetic nervous system - responsible for the fight-or-flight response - get overstimulated. And the parasympathetic nervous system - responsible for rest-and-digest mode - gets understimulated. Let’s talk a little more about the parts of the brain affected most by trauma, PTSD, and chronic stress. The Amygdala: Its job is to perceive and process threats and regulate emotions. As already mentioned, it becomes overactive in people that have experienced trauma. It can cause you to develop chronic issues of fear - fear of other people and fear of your surroundings (Van der Kolk, 2014). The amygdala is primarily concerned with your survival above all else. From the time you are born, it is collecting information to protect you from danger. When it's overstimulated you may develop issues like intrusive memories, nightmares and other physical symptoms (Diamond & Zoladz, 2016). The Hippocampus: Its job is to store your memories and experiences for future reference. It lives in close proximity to your amygdala. When the brain is under chronic stress, the hippocampus is known to get smaller in volume making it harder to access, process, and learn after traumatic experiences (O’Doherty et al., 2015). This begins to answer the question above about why it can be so hard to work through triggering circumstances when you experience them in the present day. The Thalamus: Its job is to process and transfer most of your sensory experiences; things like sight, sound, touch and sensations in your body. Think of this as a sort of operator station in your brain. It picks up the signals and then makes a determination on whether or not to transfer that information to your cortex for conscious interpretation. It helps your brain integrate the sensations you have with the full story of a memory. But what happens when trauma and stress occur? Well, the thalamus shuts downs! The necessary filtering and integration of your sensations stops happening and you experience SENSORY OVERLOAD! This can lead to all kinds of unhelpful coping mechanisms to try to numb out the stimulation (Van der Kolk, 2014). Frontal Lobes: This is the meat and potatoes of your cognitive processing. The frontal lobes are responsible for language, abstract thinking, planning, and decision making. It's also where your imagination and ability to empathize comes from (Van der Kolk, 2014). Traditional talk therapy often relies heavily on this part of your brain to verbally work through your experiences, explore different perspectives, and make choices about how to move forward. Remember the fight-or-flight response we talked about before? When your amygdala sounds the alarm and the sympathetic nervous system kicks into high gear, this part of your brain goes offline. It’s been noted in research that the volume of this part of the brain decreases under chronic stress making it challenging to think your way through your fear responses (Scaglione & Lockwood, 2014). Because this portion of your brain is underfunctioning, you might experience flashbacks or recurring upsetting emotions (Van der Kolk, 2014). So when it comes to stress and trauma, we know how it affects the brain and why it’s difficult to cope now. What do we do with this information? Great question! We learn ways to heal the brain to improve your ability to handle what life throws your way. To do this, we must get out of the brain and into the body! What The Research Says About Yoga and Exercise for Trauma Healing If you have some free time, take to google and do some self-guided research on the topic. You’ll find loads of studies that highlight the effectiveness of exercise, yoga, and meditation for those with trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. For now, we’ll just review the outcomes found in some of the literature. A group of researchers reviewed several studies in 2019 to determine the effects of yoga and meditation on brain health and functioning. The studies they reviewed were all done with adults that engaged in various holistic yoga practices for 10-24 weeks, although the frequency of practice varied from daily to biweekly. Through MRIs they found several positive changes within the brains of participants. It was noted that the hippocampus increased in volume, the thickness of the cortex increased and gray matter increased. They found a decrease in emotional reactivity and an increase in cognitive control when participants were exposed to stressful and demanding situations. And lastly the brain scans showed more connectivity between the brain regions improving overall functioning. (Gothe, N. P., et al, 2019) In a pilot study conducted in Canada this year, a group of young adults with trauma symptoms were assigned at random to an exercise intervention group and a control group. The participants in the exercise group were provided at-home exercise videos that did not require any equipment. They engaged in three 40-minute exercise sessions - a 5-minute warm up, 30 minutes of exercise, and a 5-minute cool down - per week for 8 weeks total. Without going into all the testing and assessment mumbo gumbo, let’s just say the outcomes on mood and emotion regulation were significant! The participants in the exercise group reported a decrease in stress and depression levels in comparison to the control group. Because of the improvement in mood, participants demonstrated improved ability to manage emotions and distress when triggered. (Mizzi, A. L., et al, 2022) We could be here all day discussing the benefits of movement on mental health and brain health, but the real take home here is that YOUR BRAIN AND BODY CAN HEAL!!! Recommendations For You Have you been convinced that developing some kind of exercise or yoga practice can help you? This is something that you can start right now - you don’t have to invest anything except some time to figure out what will work for you and where to build this into your daily life. Here is some guidance to get you started: For anxiety, you’ll want to focus on breathwork, cardio exercise, interval training, and yoga. There are many kinds of yoga, but it's always recommended that you start with something that is restorative like Yin or Raja until you know what your body can handle. For depression, you’ll want to focus on pranayama breathing, cardio exercise, strength training, and yoga. Similar to anxiety, start slow and focus on restorative practices. For PTSD, you’ll want to follow the recommendations mentioned for anxiety, but structure your routine a bit more. Aim for aerobic exercise in the morning and shift to yoga, breathwork and meditation mid to later day. Conclusion You’ll notice that healing is often referred to as a journey and that’s because it truly is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight and it can be messy and intense. Most people don’t have the ability to pause life to work things through, so learning new skills and strategies that you can integrate into your daily life will help you tremendously. We benefit so much more in therapy when we can see the whole picture and give attention to all aspects of your health - mind and body. In my work with survivors of trauma and those with anxiety, we first work on building trust and openness with each other. Then we work on understanding the full scope of your experience and bring awareness to patterns, cycles, and triggers that contribute to your challenges. Once we have an understanding, we can implement specific skills, exercises, practices, and life routines to help you heal and move forward in your life. Call me for a complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305 and let’s get started together! I offer counseling and EMDR Therapy at our beautiful Coral Springs office. I also provide convenient online counseling via our secure telehealth platform for those who reside in the state of Florida. Resources Diamond, D., & Zoladz, P. (2016). Dysfunctional or hyperfunctional? The amygdala in posttraumatic stress disorder is the bill in the evolutionary china shop. Journal of Neuroscience Research, 94: 437-444. Gothe, N. P., Khan, I., Hayes, J., Erlenbach, E., & Damoiseaux, J. S. (2019). Yoga effects on Brain Health: A systematic review of the current literature. Brain Plasticity, 5(1), 105–122. Mizzi, A. L., McKinnon, M. C., & Becker, S. (2022). The impact of aerobic exercise on mood symptoms in trauma-exposed young adults: A pilot study. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 16. O’Doherty, D., Chitty, K, Saddiqui, S., et al. (2015). A systematic review and meta-analysis of magnetic resonance imaging measurement of structural volumes in posttraumatic stress disorder. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging. 232: 1-33. Scaglione, C., & Lockwood, P. (2014). Application of neuroscience research to understanding and treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. International Journal of Applied Science and Technology, 4(1): 35-45. Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Penguin group.

Maintaining a positive perspective of one’s partner is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship. The positive perspective is when our positive feelings and sentiments towards our relationship, overshadow the negative feelings (think rose-colored glasses). This is not to say that at times we aren’t permitted to harbor negativity towards our partner, it simply means that we generally see our partner through a positive lens. Maintaining a positive perspective is what naturally happens when the friendship system is working well. When partners feel loved, respected, appreciated and considered, the positive perspective is a natural bonus that plays a pivotal role in any relationship. Couples who maintain an overall positive perspective have a much easier time giving their partner the benefit of the doubt when certain things come up and are much likelier to experience neutral or even negative interactions as positive. The positive perspective determines a lot in the relationship such as problem- solving, conflict management, and making repair efforts. Our held perspective seeps into the nooks and crannies of the relationship to where day-today interactions and quality time together are affected. In this blog, I am going to provide several “evidenced-based” (proof that it works!) methods for developing and maintaining a positive perspective of your partner. 1. Let Your Partner Influence You: Letting your partner influence you means that you take their position/perspective on things into consideration. It means that you have flexibility within yourself to create space for your partner’s perspective regarding opinions, decisions or thoughts on anything where you might disagree. It means valuing what they have to say even if you see things differently. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that you must let your partner influence you as one of the ways of creating an egalitarian relationship; both partners are in the driver’s seat and both partners are the CEO holding equal importance within the relationship. No one is seen as more valuable or superior to the other. When we invest in this principle, we are not only considering our partner, we are conveying honor and respect. When we accept influence, we demonstrate that we accept and value our partner and are more likely to work better through unresolvable differences (which everybody has). Something you can do is ask yourself if these statements are true. If each of these statements are true, you are likely accepting influence from your partner. I value my partner’s opinions. I don’t always have to be right when we argue. I care about my partner’s feelings and how they experience things. 2. Share Fondness and Admiration: Another way to build and maintain a positive perspective is to consistently convey what you love, admire or appreciate about your partner. It’s not enough to have kind thoughts about your partner (although it does count), but we have to remember to say them out loud. When we connect to our partner’s positive attributes (the good stuff), we are more likely to feel thankful for the role he/she plays in our life and the relationship. This plays a huge part in holding a positive perspective. One of my favorite homework assignments that I give my couples is to say at least 1 positive thing about the other person every day. Doing this over time aids in partners feeling endeared to each other and having a more loving relationship. 3. Accept and Make Bids for Connection: A bid for connection is any gesture to interact with your partner in a way that’s reliably positive. Bids are efforts to get attention, humor, affection, affirmation, support etc… Bids can be verbal and non-verbal such as a smile, holding out your hand for your partner’s, validating something your partner said, giving a sexy wink or saying “hey baby, you’re looking good!” Bids for connection reflect that our partner is important to us and that we value their needs and their presence. When we make bids, we are demonstrating that we are investing in the relationship and our partner. When your partner makes a bid, it’s imperative to lean in or “turn towards” your partner by responding in a loving way as often as possible (there are some exceptions - no one is perfect). This builds up our positive perspective as these day-to-day interactions are the building blocks of a relationship. I often refer to this principle as the heartbeat of the relationship that keeps things flowing in the right direction. There are a million ways to make bids but here are some ideas to practice this valuable skill: Ask your partner an open ended question, starting a conversation. Compliment them. Look at them and smile. Initiate affection or sex. Be proactive about making fun plans together. Maintaining a positive perspective comes from a variety of sources within a relationship. Accepting influence, expressing fondness and admiration and making and accepting bids for connection are powerful ways of creating the relationship you want and maintaining a positive perspective. Practicing these tools will drastically improve a relationship even if not done perfectly. If you or your partner are struggling to hold onto the positive perspective and would like to learn more, I’m here to help! I invite you to contact me for your complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305. I provide counseling for adults and couples who want to boost their happiness and fulfillment in life and their relationships. I provide therapy in both Fort Lauderdale, FL and Coral Springs, FL as well as online counseling via our secure telehealth platform for those who reside in the state of Florida. For couples who aren't sure whether they are both on the same page about working on the relationship with couples counseling, I offer Discernment Counseling services to help you gain the clarity you need to move forward. For more information about my services, click here.

We’re thrilled to announce that our team member, Sara Speed, LMHC, is officially a Certified EMDR Therapist!! Over the past decade, Sara has helped countless adults and First Responders overcome anxiety, depression, trauma/PTSD so they could live with greater peace, happiness, and fulfillment. Sara has been working for several years as an EMDR trained clinician and recently completed the extensive certification process. We’re thrilled to celebrate her amazing accomplishment and so grateful to have her on our Bayview team! Sara provides counseling and EMDR therapy for adults, First Responders and their partners at our Coral Springs office. Starting in October of 2022, Sara will start seeing clients at our brand new, beautiful Plantation office. Yay! As a Certified First Responder Counselor, her expertise in EMDR will continue to help the First Responders she serves as well as their families and partners. Thank you Sara for your passion, dedication, and commitment to making a difference in our South Florida community. If you want to know more about how EMDR can help you or your loved ones overcome anxiety, depression, and/or trauma/PTSD, contact Sara for your complimentary consultation at 954.391.5305.

As you transition from active addiction to sobriety, you may be struggling to find your identity. In active addiction, drugs, or alcohol consume you. Your daily routine and hobbies all become focused on how you’re going to get more substances. The things you once loved and hobbies you once enjoyed have disappeared or seem unattainable. Now that you are in recovery, it’s time to decide who you want to be. You have the freedom to reclaim aspects of your old identity prior to using and create a new one to become the best version of yourself. Losing Your Identity as an “Addict” Outside of addiction, what are your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? If you recently found sobriety, you may be having a difficult time answering these questions. You are not alone! Many people who are just starting out on their journey through recovery find that they can’t remember who they were before they started using substances or maybe can’t recall a life prior to addiction. If you shed your identity as solely being an “addict,” you might end up shedding your entire identity, especially if you’ve been using it for a long time. You may have struggled with addiction for so long, you can’t remember what you used to do for fun, or you were too young when you started using and never had the chance to develop a clear sense of your identity or define who you are. Now that you are sober and in the process of shedding your sole identity as an “addict,” you may not know who you are or even recognize yourself. You may feel lost or confused and unsure of what direction to go in. Who are you now that you’re sober? You get to decide! Creating a New Identity Now that you’re sober, you get to reinvent yourself and discover new, healthy things you love doing or might be passionate about. Who do you want to be? What do you want to get out of life? What do you want to be known for? You deserve to live a life of your choosing, not dictated by other people or substances. You get to choose what you want out of life - empowerment, stability, or serenity - and who you want to be - compassionate, loving, fun, or generous. In recovery, you have more time to invest in yourself and in your life because you’ve gotten rid of the prison sentence that is addiction. You have the freedom, and more time, energy, and even money, to try new, healthy things that align with your values. Engage in activities and behaviors that reflect who you want to be and it can help you form your new identity. Preventing Relapse As you navigate all of the new feelings, rewards, and challenges that come with sobriety, it’s important that you actively take steps to prevent yourself from using drugs or drinking again. It’s common for individuals in recovery to relapse, but there are steps you can take to ensure sobriety. Clearly identify your priorities. What do you want to accomplish? What are your (reachable) goals? Set boundaries to help you achieve those goals and stick to them. It’s easy to get pressured into doing things that can steer you away from meeting your goals and maintaining sobriety. If something makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, don’t do it. Identify sober hobbies, activities, and relationships that can help you stay sober, and steer clear of things, environments, and people that will likely put you at risk of relapse. Also, keep in mind that you don’t have to constantly be entertained or feel a rush. Take life slow and find ways to enjoy peace and quiet. This may take some getting used to, so a great way to learn how to enjoy quiet time and the slow pace of sober life is to practice mindfulness. You’ll learn how to relax, cope with your emotions, and enjoy downtime which emphasizes the importance of redefining the entertainment, fun, and even boredom. Sobriety is a Gift You have the freedom to define who you are. This is the most wonderful gift that comes with sobriety. Learn from the mistakes of your past and embrace the person ​​you are today - the person you choose to be. Don’t allow anyone to judge you or tell you who you can or cannot be. When you are sober you are in total control of your life and your identity. Therapy can provide you with the tools you need to decide what your future holds and to chart your own course. If you need one-on-one support, we offer counseling for adults struggling with addiction and recovery, as well as their loved ones. Contact Heather Violante, Psy.D. today at 954-391-5305 to find out how we can help you stay on the path to sobriety and wellness.

La hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón funciona en la parte subconsciente de la mente donde se almacenan nuestras memorias de largo plazo, emociones, relaciones, hábitos, patrones adictivos e intuición. Como profesional de la salud mental, personalmente me enamoré de la hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón porque la sanacion que ocurre durante el proceso es a través de tu corazón. Se trata de volver al amor que llevas dentro. A medida que envejecemos, tendemos a olvidar el amor incondicional que sentimos y teníamos cuando éramos pequeños. La sociedad y las personas que nos rodean nos han dicho quiénes se supone que debemos ser, cómo responder, cómo percibir, incluso cómo sentir. Perdemos partes de nosotros mismos para encajar en una Sociedad y en nuestra propia familia. Con el tiempo, nos desconectamos de nosotros mismos y perdemos la esencia de quienes realmente somos. Algunos de los beneficios de la Hipnoterapia Centrada en el Corazón (HCH) son: Identificar las raices de los sentimientos: La hipnosis centrada en el corazón te ayudará a identificar el sentimiento central detrás de la experiencia por la que está pasando. Muchos de mis clientes tienen dificultades para señalar los sentimientos que tienen porque han pasado años adormeciendo cada emoción que sienten. Ya no saben lo que sienten. La hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón se enfoca principalmente en la raiz de los sentimientos de: ira, tristeza, miedo, dolor, soledad y vergüenza. Por ejemplo, decir "siento que mi novio quiere terminar conmigo" no es un sentimiento. El sentimeinto arraigado a esa afirmación podría ser miedo y/o tristeza relacionado con experiencias pasadas de rechazo y abandono. A través de la Hipnoterapia Centrada en el Corazón, podrás ponerte en contacto con tus verdaderos sentimientos y expresarlos libremente. Superar las creencias limitantes: La hipnosis centrada en el corazón te ayudará a explorar las creencias limitantes que te han condicionado y te guiara a identificarlas y cambiarlas. Todos hemos desarrollado creencias y generalizaciones autolimitadas que deben ser cambiadas para tener mejores relaciones, poder detener los ciclos de "caos" y tener claro quiénes somos realmente. La hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón te ayuda a identificar los patrones y las razones por las cuales desarrollaste las creencias de abandono, sufrimiento, dolor, perfeccionismo y rechazo. Cambiar los patrones de comportamiento poco saludables: La Hipnoterapia Centrada en el Corazón te ayudará a eliminar patrones de comportamiento no saludables e indeseados. Durante el proceso, podras instalar nuevas formas de percibir y responder a situaciones futuras. A lo mejor durante tu niñez, se te enseño a reprimir tus emociones. Te pudieron haber dicho cosas como "no llores", "estás bien, no necesitas sentirte así" o incluso "deja de llorar o te voy a dar algo por locual puedes llorar.” Reprimir tus emociones te ha llevado a no confiar realmente en ti mismo y a no tener seguridad de expresarte. Aumentar tu autoconciencia: La hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón te ayudará a reconocer la raiz de tu conflicto interno. Te ayudará a comprender y resolver tus conflictos en los niveles más profundos. De esta manera, es posible que hagas algo constructivo sobre tu situación y las experiencias que estas viviendo. Alcanzar la paz y aumentar la felicidad La hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón puede ayudarte a liberar la energía emocional almacenada que ha sido reprimida en el cuerpo a causa de una experiencia difícil y dolorosa. Cualquier tipo de estrés puede afectarte emocionamentel y físicamente. Muchos de los síntomas físicos son “psicosomáticos”, lo que significa que tienen una base emocional o del sistema nervioso. (La palabra psico -significa psicológico y somático se refiere al cuerpo.) Cuando tu sistema nervioso está alterado por alguna experiencia traumática, puedes sentir los efectos en varios órganos de tu cuerpo. La hipnosis puede ayudarte a liberar esa energía emocional acumulada en tu cuerpo para asi experimentar una mayor paz, felicidad y satisfacción en la vida y tus relaciones. A través de la hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón, aprenderás nuevas herramientas, recursos y prácticas para realizar cambios empoderadores en tu vida. La hipnosis centrada en el corazón puede ayudarte a identificar sentimientos centrales, reconocer creencias limitantes, eliminar patrones no saludables y eliminar cualquier bloqueo energético que te este paralizando de vivir un vida mejor. Si estás abierto a la oportunidad de aprender a elegir nuevos patrones de pensamiento y comportamiento que estén alineados con la forma en que deseas vivir tu vida, te invito a que me llames al 954-391-5305 para una consulta gratuita. Estaré encantada de responder cualquier pregunta sobre cómo la hipnoterapia centrada en el corazón puede ayudarte a llevar una vida más feliz y saludable.

As I have mentioned before, quality time is such an important aspect of maintaining a healthy, intimate connection in your relationship. Creating a strong connection that is built around fun, happiness, and intimacy can additionally improve your desire and ability to communicate more effectively and resolve conflict with one another. What better way to build quality and intimate time with your partner than prioritizing date nights on a regular basis? You and your partner also deserve the chance to disconnect from the stressors of everyday life and create some time to have great new experiences together. I am writing today to help you to find some of the best date spots in Plantation, Florida for a fun, romantic, and tasty night out. I hope you and your honey are hungry, because this list is definitely packed with food! Taco Craft - This new trendy taco joint is located in the newly developed complex Plantation Walk. It has an upbeat vibe to it, making it a fun spot to spend your day or night. And who doesn't love tacos and margaritas! Make sure you keep an eye out for more bars, restaurants, and shopping coming to Plantation Walk as it completes development, it'll be the place to be! Plantation Farmers Market - Located in Volunteer Park at 12050 W. Sunrise Boulevard, Plantation hosts a Farmers Market every Saturday from 8:00 am to 2:00pm. Take your date to soak up the sun while exploring the vendors. Stock up on fresh foods and organic tastes for your week ahead! J Alexander’s Restaurant - This is one of my favorite restaurants in Plantation. The dim lights, upscale menu, and romantic ambiance provides a perfect setting for you and your date to have an amazing time with tasty drinks and food to bring you closer together. Plantation Parks - Plantation is one of my favorite places to be outside, it's packed with greenery and trees and perfect for walks and outdoor sports. We have beautiful parks to spend your days with your loved one. The Central Park Multi-Purpose Center has soccer fields, tennis courts, trails, and more to get your fresh air and fitness fix together. It also has the Plantation Aquatic Complex for swimming! You can also check out the Plantation Heritage Park event schedules to get food truck goodies and spend the day outside together. Vivace Gourmet Pizza & Pasta - Calling all carb lovers! Vivace is one of the best and possibly underrated Italian restaurants in Plantation. Reasonable prices and even better food, their pizza and pasta options will have you drooling. Don't pass up the chance to go and indulge with your partner in some Italian comfort. You deserve it! Jacaranda Golf Club - Up for a little competition? Couples golfing could be the perfect way to spend your day in the sun, getting a little exercise, and feeding your inner athlete. The Golf Club is complete with two restaurants to grab a bite or drink after your tee time to finish off your fun day! Contour Day Spa - Who doesn't love a spa day. From a couples massage to facials, Contour has all your spa needs in one place. They have a full Romance Menu that offers plenty of services for you and your partner to do together! Full relaxation and rejuvenation is great for the mind, body, and the relationship. Makes a perfect date experience. Kaluz Plantation - Kaluz is a popular waterfront spot in east Fort Lauderdale that expanded to a shiny and new location right in the heart of Plantation on the corner of University and Broward Blvd. Kaluz gives you the opportunity to put on your Sunday best and dress up for a finer dining experience if you and your partner are feeling a little fancy. Sawgrass Mills Mall - Not technically located in Plantation, but just on the border in Sunrise, FL. Shop til you drop is an understatement here. This mall is SO big that I've lived here 8 years and I still don't know if I have made it all the way through. Any and every shopping need you and your date may want is sure to be here, they have high end shopping and discount outlets to fit anyone's wants and needs. Maybe even treat each other to a little gift? Take a break during your shopping day and stop to eat at any of the MANY restaurants on site and get back to shopping! The Movies - Dinner and a movie, a classic date night. Plantation has a movie theater located right in the heart of the city, Regal Broward Movie Theaters. It is attached to Broward Mall and The Whole Enchilada Fresh Mexican Grill & Bar, which just so happens to have awesome food and live music. Located just a minute outside of Plantation, Davie Florida has another theater, Paragon Ridge Movie Theaters offers a more luxurious movie experience with reclining chairs and tasty custom pizzas to enjoy during your movie. Enjoy the big screen! I hope you enjoy your time together! Happy dating! If you and your partner can benefit from working on your own relationship and connection or are interested in learning more about couples therapy, call today at 954-391-5305 for your complimentary consultation with Jamie Ratowski, LMFT. I look forward to speaking with you! I provide counseling in Fort Lauderdale and Plantation, Florida in addition to online counseling across the state of Florida on our secure, telehealth platform. For more date night tips in Fort Lauderdale, read my blog “The 10 Best Date Night Spots in Fort Lauderdale”.

Se estará preguntando acerca de cómo esta nueva modalidad de terapia EMDR puede ayudar a su hijo a superar sentimientos o pensamientos negativos provenientes de un evento o situaciones traumáticas. ¿Qué es la Terapia EMDR? La terapia de reprocesamiento y desensibilización por movimientos oculares (EMDR, por sus siglas en inglés) ha demostrado, a través de investigaciones, que es un tratamiento seguro y efectivo para personas que luchan con síntomas de trauma. EMDR también puede ser efectivo con niños dependiendo de numerosos factores que se pueden discutir con un terapeuta capacitado en EMDR. La terapia EMDR es un proceso de ocho etapas que se enfoca en los recuerdos angustiantes ("recuerdos molestos") y las creencias negativas o "malos pensamientos" asociados con esta experiencia. El terapeuta capacitado en EMDR implementará series rápidas de estimulación bilateral (BLS) para ayudar a fortalecer la visión del niño del mundo y de sí mismo mientras desensibiliza las imágenes, pensamientos, sentimientos y sensaciones corporales. Esta terapia permite fomentar la resiliencia y aumentar la autoestima en los niños mientras crea un cambio cognitivo y físico adaptativo. EMDR puede a su vez, ayudar a que los pensamientos negativos de un niño sobre sí mismo y el mundo se conviertan en creencias más saludables al enfocarse en el momento presente. Además, EMDR puede ir acompañado de otras modalidades de tratamiento para adaptarse a las necesidades de desarrollo del niño. Por ejemplo, la terapia de arte, la terapia de juego centrada en el niño, la terapia con bandeja de arena, la terapia asistida por caballos y las técnicas de terapia de yoga generalmente se integran en el tratamiento. Estos enfoques permiten que los niños usen su creatividad e imaginación, a través de imágenes, a fin de desarrollar recursos para la conexión a tierra y el pensamiento positivo. ¿Qué es Trauma? El trauma puede entenderse como un evento angustioso o una serie de eventos que pueden causar perturbaciones emocionales, psicológicas y físicas a una persona. Nuestro cerebro tiene un sistema natural para procesar información y experiencias. Este proceso involucra nuestro lado derecho del cerebro (mente emocional) y el izquierdo (mente racional). Naturalmente, procesamos múltiples elementos de nuestras experiencias y procesamos los recuerdos de una forma accesible y útil. Para ejemplificar, piense en nuestra memoria como un banco y cómo cada cuenta de éste, tiene una memoria que contiene diferentes sentimientos, sensaciones, imágenes, pensamientos relacionados y emociones. Debido a ello, cuando ocurre un evento angustioso, puede hacer que el cerebro se abrume y se atasque con las emociones y, por lo tanto, no tenemos la información que necesitamos para darle sentido de una manera más saludable. Los eventos traumáticos pueden ocurrir en cualquier etapa de nuestras vidas, a veces, podemos experimentar eventos traumáticos para los cuales no estamos preparados emocionalmente. El trauma se describe comúnmente en dos categorías: traumas de "T grande" o traumas de "t pequeña". Los traumas de “T grande”, en los niños, son más agudos e intensos y, a menudo, se asocian con el trastorno de estrés postraumático PTSD. Algunos eventos que pueden causar “trauma de T grande” en los niños incluyen: Estar expuesto a la violencia doméstica Separación de un ser querido Vivir un desastre natural Eventos que amenazan la vida Acoso sexual, físico o emocional Duelo y pérdida de un ser querido Tener una condición médica En el caso de los traumas de “t pequeña”, estos son principalmente eventos que exceden nuestra capacidad de afrontamiento y pueden interferir con nuestro funcionamiento diario. Los traumas “t pequeña”, en los niños, pueden ser generalizados y continuos, pudiendo llegar a causar un gran impacto emocional y físico. Entre los traumas de la “pequeña t” se incluyen: Dificultades financieras Negligencia Ruptura en la familia/separación/divorcio Intimidación Conflicto interpersonal Problemas legales o relacionados con la inmigración Es importante tener en cuenta que los síntomas como resultado de un trauma pueden verse diferentes en cada niño. Entre los más comunes se pueden incluir: problemas para dormir, pesadillas, aumento de las rabietas/episodios de llanto, fobias, ansiedad, depresión, baja autoestima, ansiedad por separación, dificultad para concentrarse/prestar atención y evitación de lugares, personas o situaciones. Así mismo, es preciso mencionar que, dependiendo de su edad, los niños recrean eventos traumáticos a través del juego repetido. ¿Cómo puedo ayudar en casa? Es importante que los padres, apoderados o cuidadores primarios participen durante el curso del tratamiento de sus niños. Parte de la terapia EMDR incluye aumentar los recursos del niño y aprender estrategias para manejar cualquier síntoma que se presente. Además, aprender sobre EMDR y su proceso, puede ayudar a los padres a comunicarse de manera más efectiva con sus hijos sobre sus síntomas y a cómo ayudarlos mejor en casa. Por ejemplo, pueden hacerlo creando un ambiente divertido mientras refuerzan los ejercicios de respiración profunda y practican su estimulación bilateral (BLS). Otro factor importante para los padres es adoptar un enfoque sin prejuicios y mostrar comprensión y compasión por el progreso de sus hijos. Los padres deben brindarles a sus hijos un espacio de validación escuchando y estando presentes, creando así, un sentido de valor y apoyo. ¡Pregunta, pregunta, pregunta! Los padres también pueden ayudar haciendo preguntas abiertas para monitorear el progreso del niño y la comprensión del tratamiento. Algunas preguntas que los padres hacen a sus hijos para apoyar los beneficios de la terapia EMDR son: ¿Qué habilidad quieres practicar hoy? ¿Qué pensamientos positivos creaste? ¿Cómo puedo ayudar a recordarlos? ¿Me puedes enseñar alguno de los ejercicios de relajación que aprendiste? ¿Me muestras las técnicas que aprendiste hoy? ¿Sera que practicamos juntos (as)? Por último, ¡CUIDADO PERSONAL! El trauma también puede afectar a el sistema familiar y, lo que es más importante, puede afectar a los padres también. La práctica esencial de herramientas de mindfulness y autocuidado es crucial para los padres, dado que servirán como co-reguladores en las sesiones. Planear algo de tiempo de calidad después de las sesiones también puede ayudar a mejorar la conexión entre el padre y su hijo. Si tiene curiosidad acerca de cómo la terapia EMDR puede ayudar a su niño o adolescente, llámenos al 954-391-5305 para su consulta gratuita. Lorena Arrarte, LMHC brinda asesoramiento y terapia EMDR para niños, adolescentes, adultos y familias en nuestras hermosas oficinas ubicadas en Fort Lauderdale y Coral Springs, Florida.

If you’ve been watching the news lately, you’ve seen some historic events unfolding. Politics is in motion, and what we’ve seen may be just the tip of the iceberg. While some individuals are kicking their heels with excitement and doubling down efforts to push for more change, others are gnashing their teeth with frustration and mobilizing for alternate rebellion. I know. I live in a purple family. We all still talk to each other, and thus far have managed holidays and celebrations without warfare, but it hasn’t always been comfortable. There have been some walk-outs (particularly where alcohol fueled debate) and some shut-downs (conversations halted to keep the peace), but so far nobody to my knowledge has been banished or cut off forever. We are not alone in navigating the tension. A Wakefield Market Research Report from 2017 found that, since the 2016 Presidential election, there was a marked increase in relationship break-ups caused by political differences. They estimated that 11% of Americans ended a romance because of politics. Political science researchers at four universities also found that political debate has become more “dehumanizing” and that politically mixed couples can begin to think of their partner as less evolved in their thinking. This can happen even with same party couples where one spouse questions the other’s political loyalty because it’s not quite left or right enough – for example, where one spouse is an “anyone but Trump” Republican; or, in my case, when I play devil’s advocate with my husband, suggesting acceptance of at least a part of an opposing viewpoint. So, what’s a couple to do? For assistance with that question, I turned to Psychotherapist Jeanne Safer’s recommendations in I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics. Safer has lived 40 years in a politically mixed marriage and written and spoken on the topic extensively, including with her Republican husband. Her 2019 book includes numerous vignettes based on 50 interviews with couples from a myriad of relational configurations (couples/parents/siblings/friends), so that there’s something for almost anyone struggling with negative political override. Some of my key takeaways from Safer’s work are listed below. They are integrated with lessons from my learning as a marriage and family therapist trained in Gottman Couples Counseling (Level III). My hope is these pointers will show you that not all political gridlock leads to separation and divide. Perhaps, with the tips, you will find ways to turn away from the political poison in your relationship, toward a more satiating antidote. Seek First to Understand. Notice You are Not in Control. Safer asks each of us to deeply consider what shapes our own political attitudes, and to willingly understand enough about the makeup of our partner, to see that factors shape the dynamics of their political discourse. She suggests that the worst political rifts stem from our attempts to control and rewrite our partners’ opinions and political views, rather than co-exist with them. In her own politically diverse marriage, Safer learned to focus on her husband’s day-to-day actions (being kind, helping family and friends, expressing concern for others), rather than his political slogans, to remind herself why she valued their union. She offers up the “chemotherapy” test (How would your partner be with you or a loved one struggling with cancer? If empathic in this situation, are they really a political monster?). Drop the Compulsion to Force Change. Safer suggests that most political fights in intimate relationships are not about politics but about our personal compulsion to change dissimilar views to align with our own. If, however, we challenge ourselves to listen for insight, without first commanding change from our partner, poisonous beliefs about each other may settle long enough to escape what Safer calls “compulsive political fighting.” After all, the differences at play likely preceded political events since 2016 and will endure long after. Safer invites readers to give up an agenda of convincing, changing, and recruiting others to our political perspective, adopting instead a paradigm of civility, where we can listen beyond political buzzwords to the values, beliefs, fears and experiences that underlie our partner’s opposing views. Listen, Even Beyond the Trigger Point. Although Safer contends there are few marital resources or interventions available for politically turbulent couples, I find the principles of Gottman Couples therapy easily adaptable to Safer’s recommendations. Two such interventions which come to mind are the Gottman Listening Exercise, and a somewhat similar exercise called the Gottman-Rapoport intervention. In an article written shortly after Trump was elected President in 2016, Dr. Juli Gottman, alluded to of the primary elements of the Gottman-Rapoport intervention to avoid political “othering” in the State of Our Union article: “We have to listen without jumping down each other’s throats. Really listen. What have they experienced? What have they suffered? Why are they so angry? And even more important, what is their greatest fear? For it is fear that has driven this election. Fear of job loss and poverty, fear of being out-paced, out-educated, out-smarted, out-tech-ed, out-majority-ed, out-numbered, out-classed, out-holy-ed, out-gendered, out-colored, out-powered. So many fears. Fear leads us to pull inwards. To duck our heads in ignorance and cover it all up with anger. Perhaps I’m being optimistic, but I do believe the only way forward is to listen, and “listen good.” Listen to “other,” and not just the ones we resemble. Listen until it breaks our hearts. Listen to the pain, the fear, the drowning. Ask questions. Pay attention. And only when we’ve deeply understood the “other,” whoever he or she is, brings up our own ideas to consider.” Regulate Emotional Responses and Establish Limits. In moving from Listening to Dialoguing about political hot potatoes, Safer prescribes common sense strategies such as monitoring and regulating our emotional responses. This can mean being conscious of our tones of voice, how much alcohol we’ve drank, and timing. We also need to realize that what often comes out most hostilely (and I would add, impulsively) in political fights are unmet emotional needs of the past. When masked in political rhetoric, such triggers can be explosive in the relationship, but when unpacked and dealt with as personal values, aspirations or fears, the topics can be more approachable, and feel less like walking through a landmine. Gottman Couples therapy offers an elegant tool called Dreams Within Conflict that addresses precisely these areas. Typically, once we’ve worked through the exercise, couples are better able to articulate areas where they can or cannot negotiate. From there, a politically divided couple may fashion rules of (dis)engagement to suit their tolerances. Speak for Yourself. In Gottman Couples therapy terms, we identify hostile, rude, “better than thou” communications as contempt, the most dangerous among four communication strategies (the Four Horsemen) that destroy marriages. The others include criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, which also prevail in political communication breakdowns. To counter contempt, we suggest that couples describe their own feelings and needs rather than attacking their partners and minimizing them because of their beliefs. In couples’ sessions, there is often the instruction to use an “I statement” versus a “You” statement. My partner is a lot more likely to listen when I speak for myself and what matters to me instead of berating them for thinking differently. Gentle Start Ups. Safer is also keen to remind us that even good faith efforts to “educate and inform” our partners on the issues by barraging them with articles and information not only frequently backfires but explodes. The same is likely with gloating, lecturing and interrogating. In Gottman terms, this fails the golden rule of using a gentle start up, and renders it more likely to engender conflict, not conversation. Negotiate. Choose, don’t Blame. To straddle wide divides, the “how” of engaging in political discussions matters. Safer emphasizes that each couple needs to explore their own limits and find their own unique way of negotiating treacherous areas. She warns that “relentless hope” must be abandoned. Relentless hope is the belief not only that you can change someone else, but that you must. It’s essentially saying, I’d rather be right than in a relationship. In Gottman terms, the couple’s divergent political views may be seen as “Perpetual Differences”, which his research has found comprises about 69% of couple arguments. In perpetual situations, problem solving usually results in an impasse unless the couple is willing to find ways to negotiate around the conflict. This requires a willingness to set aside differences for the benefit of maintaining and nourishing what each has in common and what each appreciates in their partner. Some use humor, some choose not to discuss politics at all or in limited ways, some limit time and disengage when efforts go awry, and some split up, choosing political views (which may be steeped in religious, financial or traumatic roots) over the relationship. Do What’s Effective for Your We-ness. It’s important to emphasize that negotiation is not denial, nor sweeping matters under the rug, nor capitulation: it’s making a conscious decision to choose what’s effective to maintain a “we-ness.” That we-ness falls away when one partner insists there is only one way to be right, and that’s their way. This approach often overlooks that, as a couple, we have numerous ways of interrelating, only some of which are political. Couples also share family members, children, memories, rituals, values, activities, hobbies, art, and roles together, and often these are what sustain the partnership and allow their relationship to survive with or without political division. Being effective in listening and dialoguing over tough issues also requires a firm commitment to REPAIR when we injure the other, be it through insults, criticism or stonewalling. Saying something like “I’m sorry” does not mean I agree with your ideas, it means I don’t want to hurt you, so let’s start over. Inquire. Explore. Ask Open Ended Questions. When political discourse becomes framed in terms of right and wrong, without appreciation for the background and meaning that informs our partner’s point of view, conflict tends to escalate. Differences prevail over shared values, and dreams for the future may die on the vine. One way to explore areas that we push underground to avoid conflict is by asking Open Ended Questions. These are questions that try not to trap or limit the individual to stances or positions, just so that we can argue against them and prove we’re right. Instead, they are open-ended inquiries that invite exploration about the history and contours of our partner’s belief systems, about their pain and fears, their hopes and dreams and boundaries. Sometimes amid the poles of polarity we find common ground, or new ways to frame issues that bring us together when we feel split apart. Learn to Thrive in Your Relationship, Regardless of Your Political Beliefs The tips in this article may not unify the country, but they may give your mixed political relationship a foundation to survive, and even thrive. What’s clear is that it takes something to stay attuned and loving when politics threatens to infuse partisanship into our union. If you find you and your partner need help navigating the political waters, give me a call at 954.391.5305. I provide a complimentary consultation so we can discuss how I can help you and your partner move forward in a positive direction. I look forward to speaking with you! I provide counseling in Fort Lauderdale, Coral Springs, and Plantation, Florida (coming soon) as well as across the state of Florida through our secure online therapy (telehealth) platform. For more information about my approach to counseling, click here.